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9 entries this month
22:54 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 573
22:44 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 574
14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out20:40 Mar 20 2010
Times Read: 592
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
One for my fellow coffee addicts!20:24 Mar 20 2010
Times Read: 593
You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
You have to watch videos in fast-forward
You lick your coffee pot clean
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
You’re so wired you pick up FM radio
Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of coffee beans”
Instant coffee takes too long
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
You sleep with your eyes open
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
You can jump-start your car without cables
Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
You don’t sweat, you percolate
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you
Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house
A few Darwin Awards.03:40 Mar 12 2010
Times Read: 607
Peeper Plummets
1999 Darwin Award Nominee
(09 Nov 1999, Mexico) A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security.
Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars, whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the deceased.
Macho Men?
1996 Darwin Awards Winner
Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," he swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
Dying To Go
2009 Darwin Award Nominee
(12 April 2008, Florida) Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn M. had recently left a Pompano Beach bar, and now he was stuck in traffic. As the saying goes, you don't buy beer--you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself. "I need to take a leak," he told his friends.
Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall... only to fall 65 feet to his death. "He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. The car was idling on an overpass above the railroad lines.
Weird insurance policies00:08 Mar 12 2010
Times Read: 610
1, Death and disgrace cover
This protects against financial losses if a celebrity shames themselves in the eyes of the public, dies or suffers long term disability.
2, Kidnap and ransom insurance
This can even include insuring themselves against extra terrestrial adduction.
3, A white christmas
Rather than dreaming of a White Christmas, some people insure themselves against it.
4, England's World Cup chances
In 2006, one Suffolk football fan paid £105 to insure himself for £1m in damages for emotional trauma if England exited the World Cup early.
5, Over-sexed party goers
Last, but not least, several years ago, a troupe of male strippers took out personal injury insurance after one of its members was attacked at a hen party and suffered abrasions from finger nails.
00:39 Mar 07 2010
Times Read: 615
23:53 Mar 06 2010
Times Read: 617
How stupid do you have to be...
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) - 'Do not turn upside down.'
On Sainsbury's Peanuts - 'Warning: contains nuts'
On Boot's CHILDREN Cough Medicine - 'Do not drive or operate machinery after taking this medication'
On Mark's & Spencer Bread Pudding - 'Product will be hot after heating'
On a Sears hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos - 'You could be a winner! No purchase nessary. Details inside.'
On a bar of Dial soap - 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
On some Swanson Frozen dinners - 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
On packaging for a Rowenta iron - 'Do not iron clothes on body.'
On Nytol Sleep Aid - 'Warning: May cause drowiness.'
On most brands of Christmas lights - 'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
On a Japanese food processor - 'Not to be used for the other use'
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - 'Instructions:Open packet, eat nuts.'
On a child's Superman costume - 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
22:19 Mar 06 2010
Times Read: 618
Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning...
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