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*sorry for the informality and tense changes, just free-wrote my thoughts the other morning and there's some good stuff in here. I realize I contradict myself about halfway through, but we all contradict ourselves eventually*



I am forgetting a lot lately. work piles on work and I only get half of it done with a third of the care. Life is distracting, which is why sometimes you end up sneaking into the garage to gran the spare key, hoping your parents don't notice the pieces of your hair that your friend swiped with purple die when you were minding your own business at her house. Wait that was me, forgot my key. I was in a hurry. There's not enough time in a day to get everything done.



I didn't want to wear this today. I wanted to break out the short skirt and combat boots. Cute, slutty; can cute be slutty? Slutty is not cute that is for sure, but cute can be risque. So long as it doesn't turn into slutty then it ceases to be cute. 40 (degrees Fahrenheit) is still cold so jeans and a T-shirt it is! Iron maiden Hallowed be Thy Name T-Shirt if you need the specifics.



Fear of the Dark? No not really. I've never been afraid of anything. I thought I was afraid of nothing until my friend pointed it out:



"You are afraid that everything important in the world is going to happen without you [me] being apart of it."



Let me explain the meaning of important. Important in the political sense, the stuff that gets put in the history books, I want to be at the center of that. I know this is right because it made me angry when he said it.



I passed a boy in the hallway he didn't look at me directly, I wonder did he notice me. Does anyone anymore? Does anyone see how miserable I am? If they did would they care? I would care, which is foolish. You know better, that's why you stopped caring. I stopped caring.



Which is probably why I'm lonely but that's ok. I'm not making any moves to change that in the foreseeable future, so I can't be too perturbed by such facts.



There should be a [marital] Status--single and perfectly happy, wishing to stay that way--why do people say things like "my better half." and "I'm looking for someone to complete me." Who wants to go out with an incomplete person. If your partner is your better half doesn't that make you the shitty half? Who goes around looking for the lesser half. At least I'm not waiting around for someone to save me, now that would be just plain pathetic.



I have not liked anyone (in the romantic sense) in a long time. I got tired of betrayals and hearbreak.--nothing more than a scar on my wrist now--I've stopped giving a damn about personality, if I'm going to get fucked over either way he might as well be good looking for once. No one puts in near amount of effort I do and it frustrates me. (which could be a drive for my sadistic side. huh, never thought about that, will explore this later.)



Well maybe one would, can you love someone an ocean away? maybe love is the wrong word, I am not certain what that is. I have thought for mere instances that I was in love bu I think that word means something far greater than I have experiences, but I also believe people over use that word to the point it has become ambiguous. I have not loved all my romantic partners in the past, or even all of my sexual partners, but that is not a bad thing, It just reserve those deeper energies for people who have earned it. Everyone around me tries so hard to be in love with all their partners and it dosn't make sense because what makes all those short term relationships any different from a long term partner then? (also worth further exploration)



Why is sex for reasons as fleeting and trivial as love acceptable, yet when I use it as a means to further my goals it is wrong? That makes no practical sense. (So many questions and no one has answers for me.)



People have said to me many times "you're wise for your age." What does age have to do with it?I am observant, I am awake, I notice things. Maybe I'm tired all the time because I'm more awake than everyone else.

I like him but he dosn't like me back and this has never happened before. I'm confused.