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Being Sabrina’s Daddy: A Cautionary Tale

I always thought raising a daughter would be simple. Teach her right from wrong, make sure she says her prayers, and guide her toward a path of righteousness. You know, the usual—Bible study, Sunday school, maybe even a little church choir. A wholesome, God-fearing young woman. That was the dream.

But oh no. Sabrina had other plans.

Somewhere along the way, my sweet little angel took a detour... straight into the dark, gothic, blood-sucking abyss. One day, I’m teaching her about the Ten Commandments, and the next, she’s on a vampire website, talking about drinking “ethereal energy” and debating whether she’s a nightwalker or a shadow-dweller.

WHAT HAPPENED, SABRINA?!

I specifically raised this child to fear the wrath of the Almighty—not to worship at the altar of Count Dracula! She was supposed to spread the Gospel, not fang theories! I mean, for goodness’ sake, we didn't even let her read Harry Potter because of "witchcraft concerns"—and now she's writing poetry about the beauty of eternal darkness?!

I should have seen the signs. The obsession with wearing black. The refusal to go outside in direct sunlight. The phase where she exclusively drank cranberry juice in a wine glass and called it "The Elixir of the Night." The fangs she "accidentally" ordered online.

I blame the internet. And Hot Topic.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. Do I stage an intervention? Do I bring a priest? Do I just accept that my child has chosen the way of the bat instead of the way of the Lord? Would garlic even work in this situation?!

I suppose, at the end of the day, I still love my little gothling. Even if she’s more into Nosferatu than Noah’s Ark. Maybe I’ll just keep praying that one day, she sees the light. Literally. Because she refuses to open the curtains.

— A Very Disappointed, Very Confused Daddy