The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The Speaking Clock
17:40 Sep 25 2008
Times Read: 698

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new apartment.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," said the man, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, fucking sake, you bastard, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!"

Emotional Needs
16:34 Sep 02 2008
Times Read: 733




I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their

heart.



FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.



Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'



I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'



So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for

you in the bedroom?'



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.



We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'



She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT?'



I then said 'honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am

and not for the things I buy you?'



Apparently I'm not having any sex tonight either....