The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.



The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"



"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.



"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.



"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."



"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.



"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"



"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.



"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.



"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."



The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."



The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.



Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.



She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset.



"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"



The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo ... if you can explain our three kids."