The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A husband and wife were on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Help," she groaned to her husband.



He dialled 911 on his cellphone, talked a little, and then picked up his putter and started lining up his putt.



She raised her head off the grass and moaned, "I'm dying here and you're putting?"



He replied, "Don't worry, dear. The club located a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."



"Did they say how long it will take him?" she asked.



"Not too long," said her husband, practicing his putting stroke. "Everybody's agreed he can play through!"

A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.



The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it."



The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.



"Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Doug fir. 690 board feet."



They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.



"Yeller cedar. 242 board feet."



The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. So he drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.



He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?"



The Norwegian waslked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure."



The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?"



The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!"

Bubba and Cooter were standing at the base of a flagpole in Midland, Texas, looking up.



A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.



"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "But we don't have a ladder."



The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Cooter shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door.



"See how devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"



"I'd love to," replied her husband, "but wouldn't he'd get mad?"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the

last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.



Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the

latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed

with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain

rational.



In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the

bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.



A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He

started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to

get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a

tangled pile at his feet.



As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the

sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his

laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up

and asked, "What the heck is going on here ? "



The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit

out of a ghost"

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.



When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."



God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.



True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."



God was not pleased, but he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.



Do you know what that E-mail said?



No?



Neither do I; I didn't get one either

Jerry Garcia awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments.



Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano.



Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up.



As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmered, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!"



Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, one, two..."

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."



With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."



And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."



Sermon complete, he sat down.



The hymn leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

"Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?" asked Joe's wife.



"Would you play with someone who curses after every shot, cheats in the bunkers, and enters false scores on his card?" Joe replied.



"No!" she said.



Joe sighed, "Neither will Bob."

Pavarotti is standing at the pearly gates.



St. Peter opens them and says, "Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through."



Once inside the gates St. Peter is about to leave when Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the Pope."



St. Peter opens it up and reads it..."HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU."

"What a great meal!" said Ray. "I knew my buddy was lucky to have such a beautiful wife, but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook, too."



"Thanks, Ray," said his friend's wife, "but I must warn you: I expect my husband home in an hour."



"But I'm not doing anything wrong," protested Ray.



"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had!"

1. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.



2. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.



3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



4. What happens if you can't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.



5. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.



6. How can you tell when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.



7. What happened to the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He is fully recovered.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in ... (wait for it) ... Linoleum Blownapart!



9. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.



10. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and

make clockwise circles.



2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your

right hand.



Your foot will change direction.

I told you so

.....And there's nothing you can do about it

A man with a swollen foot went to the doctor.



After careful examination, the doctor gave him a huge pill. "I'll be right back with some water," said the doctor.



The doctor was gone quite a while and eventually the man lost his patience.



He hobbled to the sink, forced the huge pill down, slurped water from the sink until the pill cleared his throat, and then hobbled back onto the examining table.



A few minutes later, in walks the doctor with a bucket of warm water.



"Okay, once the tablet has dissolved, soak your foot in it for at least a half hour."

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.



It had been barking for hours and hours.



Suddenly, paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this." He goes downstairs.



Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing"



Paddy says, "I’ve put their dog in our yard ... now we'll fookin' see how THEY like it!"

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.



The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:





Dear Vincent,



I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.



Love, Dad.





A few days later, he received a letter from his son.





Dear Dad,



Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.



Love, Vinnie.





At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.





Dear Dad,



Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.



Love, Vinnie.