The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"



"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it."

Lord and Lady Bottomly were invited to weekend at the country estate of their friend, Lord Drippingtool.



In true Edwardian tradition, it was 48 hours of high-toned drunkenness and debauchery. Many a husband was cuckolded, many a maiden deflowered, rich food was consumed, and rich gossip exchanged.



As they bade their goodbyes, Lord Bottomly addressed his host in his most uppercrust British accent, "Thank you so very much, Lord Drippingtool. The food was excellent, the wine superb, the hunting fantastic, and, by the way, your wife is absolutely terrific in the hay."



As they sat together in their compartment on the train back to London, an outraged Lady Bottomly said, "Darling, you ate that man's food and drank his wine and you actually had the affrontery to say that his wife was good in bed?"



"Well," replied Lord Bottomly, "she wasn't, actually. But what could I say?"

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"



Surprised, the father answers, "Well sure, son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...and they change somewhat, depending on a woman's age.



"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."



"Onions, Dad?" asked the son.



"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."





Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"



The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Xmas tree."



"A Xmas tree?" asked the daughter.



"Yes -- dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

Recently the U.S. Department of the Interior changed the inscription on the metal bands used to tag migratory birds in the Pacific Northwest.



The bands used to show the abbreviation of the State of Washington's Biological Survey, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter:



"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on its tag but, I've gotta tell you: it was horrible!"

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring $50,000 to the 18th hole of your country club tomorrow by high noon if you ever want to see your wife alive again."



But it was well after 1 p.m. before he arrived at the designated meeting spot.



A masked man summoned him over behind a bush and demanded, "You're an hour late! What took you so long?"



"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 26 handicap!"

Corporate Lesson 1



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over

which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.



Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,

"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"



Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stockholders', you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Corporate Lesson 2



A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.



Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."



Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed

to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."



Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.





Corporate Lesson 3



A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give you one each." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



Moral of the story: Always let your boss speak first.

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.



Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"



"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"



He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years.



In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc.



One day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history.



Impressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: "Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"

1. If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to creat the energy of an atomic bomb. (I wonder who got paid to figure that out?)



2. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



3. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy, but I'm still not over the pig.)



4. A male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the ...?!)



5. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes ... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



6. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life -- quality over quantity.)



7. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm....)



8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)



9. Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)



10. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.



BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and exactly who was responsible.



SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and everybody and then leaves.



ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement - by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.



SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.



CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.



PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.



MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.



SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.



2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.



3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.



7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining all the time.





XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for nicking free photocopies from one's workplace.





PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.





ADMINISPHERE: The rarified organizational layers that start just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.





404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document could not be located).





OHNOSECOND: That minuscule moment in time when you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've just hit 'reply all').





WOOFies: Well Off Older Folk.





CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the ensuing sounds of dismay and disgust. Usually leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either.



On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.



He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling," he says, "I know this is your first time and you're very frightened. I promise you, I will give you anything you want, I'll do anything - just anything you want. What do you want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.



He hopes this will impress his virgin bride.



A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.



She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want ... number 69."



Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You want ... beef with broccoli?"

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.





In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest , the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:





1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin likely did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.



2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car.



3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.



4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.



5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.



6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.



7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.



8. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.



9. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We're real impressed.. We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.



10. Let's get this straight - We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.



11. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist... Isn'! that cute..



12. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.



13. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways. Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.



14. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's like a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.



15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?



16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit in the water hazard, it spooks our fish.



17. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is "Sir". No matter how old he is.



18. The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.



19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.





NOW ENJOY YOUR VISIT!