The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.







Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.







Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses and all the kings' men

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.







Georgie Porgy Puddin' and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too, 'cause he was Bi.





There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad ...

... she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront

apartment, and a sports car.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.



She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.



Trembling, he did as she directed.



"Now take off my boots."



He did as she asked, ever so slowly.



"Now take off my socks."



He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt."



He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra."



Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



"Now," she said, "take off my panties."



By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

There are only two things to worry about:

Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.



But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about:

Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.



But if you die, there are two things to worry about:

Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell.

If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.



But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands

with all your friends, then you won't have time to worry!

"Dad, what's ethics?" asked the man's young son.



"Well, son, you know how your uncle and I are in business together? Suppose a customer comes in and buys something worth $10 but gives me a $20 bill by mistake and doesn't ask for change. If I split the extra $10 with your uncle, that's ethics."