The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches

straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know,

I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a

job."



The social worker behind the counter says,

"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening

from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,

meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort

her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to

satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a

two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting

salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"



The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started

it."

Q: My husband wants to experience threesome sex with my sister and I. What should I do?

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.



Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. Is that normal?

A: Yes, perfectly normal and very, very healthy. Our advice is just DO IT. Semen is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per pint. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. It also adds protein to your hair and keeps it naturally lustrous. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, give him oral sex, and cook him a nice meal.



Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. Why does he do that?

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour, and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter-gatherer and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.



Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it on your own time. To help with the family budget you may want to videotape yourself while doing this, and then sell it over the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on your man and cook him a delicious meal.



Q: My husband is not interested in foreplay. Why?

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by giving him oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.



Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. Is that right?

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love for him by giving him oral sex….and don't forget to cook him a nice delicious meal.

Amusing and/or worrying Statements found on medical charts written by US medical professionals about their patients.



"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."



"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."



"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."



"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."



"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."



"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."



"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better."



"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."



"On the second day knee was better; on the third day it had completely disappeared."



"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."



"The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."



"Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Patient needs disposition; therefore we will get Dr. xxxx to dispose of him."



"Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful."



"The patient refused an autopsy."



"The patient has no past history of suicides."



"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."



"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."



"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. xxxx, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree."



"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."



"Patient's history is insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days."



"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."



"She is numb from her toes down."



"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."



"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."



"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.



He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."



Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"



St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken."



Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.



A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?"



"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"



"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"



"Never," said Ralph.



"Well, just relax and let it happen."



Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.



As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,



"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!"

A couple has a dog with a horrible snoring problem when it sleeps. The wife goes to the veterinarian to see if he can help.



Surprisingly, the vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.



"Yeah, right!", thinks the wife.



That night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.



Late that night, her husband returns drunk after a night out with the boys at the local pub. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begin snoring loudly.



His wife wakes up, and thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him, and the wife goes back to a sound an restful sleep.



A short while later, her husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroon. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon tied around his privates. He is very confused. As he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached tied around his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did but, by God, we took first and second place!

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals she isn't wearing any panties.



"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing an knickers?" her husband demanded.



"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replies.



The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties.



"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" her husband demands.



"I can't afford any on the money you give me," she replies.



He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to place her ball on the tee. The wind also take her skirt over head to reveal that see, too, is naked under it.



"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" her husband demands.



"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any," she replies.



The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o'Jasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.".

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep, so he went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.



The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. The man thanked him, and walked toward the barn.



The farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"



"That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer, "and needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn."



"Perhaps he is hungry," said the daughter, so she prepared a plate of food for the traveller and then took it out to the barn.



About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.



The farmer's wife was very observant. She suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. She, too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.



The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.



When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she burst into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"



"What?!" shouted her father. He angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"



The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands nextto his mouth, and yelled out ... "LAIDTHEOLADYTOO".

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be droppe d in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 3 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.



When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke -- the broken glass carved up his backside terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.



A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.



The next morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.



"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"



"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."



"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"



"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"



"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went......



The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.



Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.



"A can of paint?" exclaimed the minister.



"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."



The minister just shook his head and said that they were no longer welcome in the church.



"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

A woman had been in a coma for several weeks when one afternoon a nurse was in her room giving her a sponge bath. As she washed between the patient’s legs, the nurse noticed that there was a sudden increase in the beeps of the heart monitor. The more she applied the sponge, the faster the monitor beeped.

Excitedly, she later told the woman’s husband what had happened and suggested that he should consider the use of oral sex as a means of bringing the woman out of her coma.

The husband was initially sceptical, but when the nurse assured him that she’d close the curtains around the bed for additional privacy, he relented and agreed to try it.

A few minutes after the nurse had closed the curtain on the couple, she was waiting anxiously at the nurses station when suddenly the alarm sounded as the woman's heart monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.



The nurse ran into the room. "What happened?" she cried.



The husband, now looking distraught, replied, "I don’t know, she must have choked!"

A young boy walked into a pharmacy and went up to the counter."I'd like a pack of condoms, please," he said.

The pharmacist looked at him and asked how old he was. "I'm twelve" he answered. "And do you know what these are for" the pharmacist asked.

"Yes sir, they are for birth control and for the prevention of disease" the boy answered. Well, the Pharmacist thought, if the boy knew that much then it would be o.k. to sell them to him. So he got a pack and laid them on the counter. The boy looked at them and told the pharmacist "That wasn't the kind I wanted. I want the ones with ribs and the bumps on them."

The pharmacist asked the boy "Do you know what they would do to a woman?" The boy replied "No, but I do know they'll raise the hairs up on a billy goats back!"

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"



"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.



The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"



"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight................



The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, " Franklin , What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"



"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist........................



Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"



Lincoln replies, "Go and see a play."

Freda and, her friend, Linda were meeting for their regular lunch when, midway through the meal, the conversation turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.



Freda replied, "To be honest, so have Scott and I.”



"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.



"Oh, we could never do that. We'd be far too embarrassed!", responded Freda. "But if you guys do go, will you please tell me how it went?"



Several weeks passed before the two friends met for lunch again.



"So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Freda asked.



"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful!, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"



With that endorsement, Freda soon talked Scott into an appointment with the same sex therapist. They went to see him the following week and after the physical examinations were completed the doctor called Freda and Scott into his office.



"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.



"But doctor," Freda complained, "you did such good for our friends Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"



"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained very quiet.



After a while one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"



After a moment's thought, the third fellow says "Ok, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."



The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

''As soon as I clock off,'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.''

Further back the plane, the horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.



A little old lady sitting where she fell whispered, ''There's no need to hurry my dear, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

A humourous transcript of a cyber sex encounter which has more than a touch of banal reality:

Wellhung: Hello, SexyMiss, could you describe yourself to me?



SexyMiss: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?



Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.



SexyMiss: I want you. Would you screw me?



Wellhung: OK



SexyMiss: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.



Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.



SexyMiss: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest



Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.



SexyMiss: I'm moaning softly.



Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.



SexyMiss: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.



Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.



SexyMiss: It's, OK. It wasn't that expensive.



Wellhung: I'll pay for it.



SexyMiss: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.



Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?



SexyMiss: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my

nipples are erect for you.



Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.



SexyMiss: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.



Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!



SexyMiss: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.



Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.



SexyMiss: WHAT?



Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.



SexyMiss: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.



Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.



SexyMiss: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.



Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!



SexyMiss: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties



Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.



SexyMiss: What's the matter?



Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.



SexyMiss: Are you OK?



Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning red.



SexyMiss: Is there anything I can do to help?



Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??



SexyMiss: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!



Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.



SexyMiss: Come back to me, lover.



Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.



SexyMiss: I'm aching for you lover.



Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking in to the bedroom. It's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?



SexyMiss: Last door at the end of the hall.



Wellhung: I found it.



SexyMiss: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.



Wellhung: Me too.



SexyMiss: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.



Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.



SexyMiss: Why don't you take them off?



Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.



SexyMiss: I'm bending over. Give it to me baby!



Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.



SexyMiss: Hurry back lover.



Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.



SexyMiss: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.



Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!



SexyMiss: What's the matter now?



Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.



SexyMiss: Mmmm, yes. Come on.



Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.



SexyMiss: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!



Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.



SexyMiss: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!



Wellhung: I'm flaccid.



SexyMiss: WHAT?



Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.



SexyMiss: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.



Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.



SexyMiss: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.



Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your

candles.



SexyMiss: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes



Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.



SexyMiss: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!



Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect, and then end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There were three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears. They were carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. As she stood admiring the display, she was touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for a guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive. She decided not to mention this to him. Secretly, she was quite impressed by his sensitive side, all the while thinking to herself, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children!"



She turned to him. They kissed and then they ripped each other's clothes off and had a long and hot session of steamy sex.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"



The guy thinks for a moment, and says, "It was good. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F!"



He smiled and replied "S-H-I-T!"



She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.



He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".



The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.



The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T!".



The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"



The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go downa and gently tickle the the back of her knees, I tella you, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."



The frenchman replies, "Zat iz nothing, when I 'ave finished makein ze love wiz ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down 'er body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."



The redneck fires off at both, "That ain't nothin'. When I finish porkin' the old lady, I git out of bed and wipe my weener on the curtains. She freakin' hits the ceilin'."

1. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: " Do you think you can keep your head down thatlong?"



2. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."



3. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."



4. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."



5. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."



6. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."



7. Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good, sir, but, personally, I prefer golf."



8. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."



9. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."



10. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".

The boss complained in a staff meeting that he didn't get any respect.



The next morning he taped a small sign to his door that read, "I'm The Boss."



When he returned from lunch, he found that someone had stuck a Post-It onto his new sign:



"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is sure that he has a better education, so he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.



"License and registration, please," said the deputy.



"What for?" asks the lawyer.



"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign," explains the deputy.



"I slowed down, and no one was coming," replies the lawyer.



"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please," repeats the deputy.



"What's the difference?" asks the lawyer.



"The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says, a little more firmly this time.



"If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket," says the lawyer.



"Exit your vehicle, sir," says the deputy.



The lawyer gets out of his car.



At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO 'STOP' OR JUST 'SLOW DOWN'?"

Two blokes entered the pub for a drink, called the proprietor over, and asked him to settle an argument.



"So, are there two pints in a quart or four?" they asked him.



"Two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.



They thanked him for resolving their argument and moved to a table. When the barmaid asked for their order, they told her, "Two pints, please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy 'em for us."



The barmaid doubted them and told them so. "My boss? That would be a first for that tightwad!"



At that, one bloke called out to the proprietor across the room, "You did say TWO pints, didn't you?"



"That's right," the proprietor called back. "Two pints!"