The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A girl decides to earn a little extra money by doing odd jobs around the neighborhood. When she knocked on the door of a rather large home, a man answered and listened to what the girl had to say.

"So.. What kinds of work can you do?" He asks

"Almost anything!" She replied

"What would you charge me to paint my porch?"

"How about $50?"

"I have paint and brushes right inside the garage. My wife and I are right inside if you have any questions."

The man's wife heard the entire exchange and when he closed the door she asked, "She's going to paint the porch for $50? Does she realize it wraps all the way around the house?"

"I hope so! We were standing on it when we made the deal.", he laughed.



A couple of hours later there is a knock at the door. "That was fast!" the wife said.

"Come on in!" the man yelled.

When the paint freckled young woman stepped in the house smiling proudly, she exclaimed, " I'm all finished! I hope you don't mind, but I had enough paint to do two coats."

The man smiled. " I don't mind at all!"

The young lady walks up to him and whispers, " Just between you and me, that's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"

The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry.



The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher.



The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. Still, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married.



After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, "My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.



She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, "My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.



After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, "My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it's good to have sex." So they did.



After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, "My grandfather taught me that after praying, it's good to have sex." So they did.



On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, "So? How is the new husband?"



She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!"

A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.



"What would you like, sir?" she asks.



He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."



She walks away in disgust.



After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"



Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."



Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.



At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.



"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."



The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"



The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."



Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"



The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."



The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"



The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"



The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"



"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

John, the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.



The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!



John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of Texas highway when out of the corner of his eye he notices a sign. It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES



He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and so he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES



Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. . . .

Then he drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a little nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for my son?"



He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."



"Very well, my son. Please follow me."



The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented The nun stops at a closed door and as she walks away tells the man,

"Please knock on this door."



He does as he is told and another nun in a similar, long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, THEN . . . go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."



He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:





GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!

Mr. Dillon hates to go shopping with his wife, but Mrs. Dillon insists he accompany her regularly to her favorite department store where, without fail, he gets very bored because he prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Dillon loves to browse.



One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store's management:



Dear Mrs. Dillon,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below.



Things Mr. Dillon has done while his spouse was shopping at our store:



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House Wares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.



3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in house wares ... and watched what happened.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.



6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.



7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.



8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"



9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.



10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.



11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.



12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.



13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"



14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"



And last, but not least ..



15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"



Thank you.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"



Eighty percent held up their hands.



The Minister then repeated his question.



All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.



"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.



"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.



"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"



"Ninety-eight." she replied.



"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.



The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."