The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Sean got home in the wee hours of the morning after a night of drinking at the local pub. He made such a racket that he woke the missus.



"What on Earth's going on down there, Sean?" she yelled. "Get yourself up here before ye wake the neighbors."



"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs!" he shouted back.



"Leave it till morning, woncha?"



"I can't," he replied. "I drank it!"

1. Justice



The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe."



The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.



"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000."



The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski.



"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"





2. How NOT to Live A Long Life



Wife: "Let's go out tonight and have some fun."

Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on for me!"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer at his regular pub and offered the following toast: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!"



That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!



He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."



"Aye, did ye now," said Mary. "And what was your toast?"



Thinking quickly, John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."



"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" said Mary.



The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



"Aye, he told me," said Mary, "and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he'd only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through

a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it

and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only

grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you Justone.”"Me first! Me first!” says

the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a

care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.”Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says,

“I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on

display.



While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air

Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’d like a line service

monkey, please.”



The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a

monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to

the Chief, saying, “That’ll be $1,000.” The Chief paid and left with the

monkey.



Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very

expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.

Why did that one cost so much?”



The shopkeeper answered, “Ah—–that was a line service monkey. He can

park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required

ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no

mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He’s well

worth the money.”



With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a Monkey

in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. “That one’s even more

Expensive! What can it do?”



“Oh, that one is a “Maintenance Supervisor” monkey. She can instruct at

all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and

preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of Maintainers, and

even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed,” replied the

shopkeeper.



The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.

The price tag read, “$50,000″. Holy crap! What does this one

do?”



“Well, the shopkeeper said, I’ve never actually seen him do anything but

drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker - but

his papers say he’s a pilot.”

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: “Jack, what happened to you?!?” “It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”



“Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in…”

Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?” His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. “They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.



That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.



His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”



Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?” The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?” She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.” He frowned for a moment, then said, “Okay.” He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?”

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.



2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.



3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.



4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game.



5. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.



6. Introduction to Parking.



7. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.



8. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.



9. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.



10. PMS: Your Problem ... Not His.

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.



In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.



"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.



Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."



"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?



Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."



The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact t that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."



Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.



"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'



"Now what the hell would you say?!"

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.



"Twenty dollars," she whispers.



Ole had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty bucks, he can't afford to miss out.



So they go into the bushes.



They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.



"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.



"I'm making luff to my vife, Lena," Ole answers indignantly.



"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."



"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine dat light in her face."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him and, as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," then turns to the ostrich."What's yours?"



"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.



"The usual?" asks the waitress.



"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.



"Same for me," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."



Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"



That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.



The waitress then asks, "One other thing, Sir. What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately males) while he was performing their colonoscopies.





1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"



2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"



3. "Can you hear me NOW?"



4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"



5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."



6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"



7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."



8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"



9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"



10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."



11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"



12. "Now I know why I am not gay."



And the best one of them all...



13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.



One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"



"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



"I think you're bad luck."

A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?” Polly then replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man’s home! My old man’s home!’”

A man's wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear".



Worried he'd make the wrong choice, he asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?"



She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"

A man asked to speak with the pastor's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulse.



"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and their children are starving. They're about to be evicted unless someone pays their $800 rent."



"How terrible!" said the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"



The visitor dabbed his eyes with his handkerchief and sobbed, "I'm the landlord!"

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.



"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".



"Yes, sir!" answers George.



The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, how was your day?"



George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."



"Bravo mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says George.



"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.



"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!' "



"T'underin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.



"I put drops in her eyes."

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.



He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.



A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later,"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.



"Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board...."



A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"



Startled, his Mom and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"



"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too."