The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Sabastion was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."



Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Sabastion, how about Tom Cruise?"



"No worries boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."



So Sabastion and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Sabastion! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"



Although impressed, Sabastion's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Sabastion that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.



"No, no, just name anyone else," Sabastion says.



"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.



"Yup," Sabastion say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."



And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Sabastion on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Sabastion, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."



Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Sabastion, who again implores him to name anyone else.



"The Pope," his boss replies.



"Sure!" says Sabastion. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.



Sabastion and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Sabastion says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."



He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.



Sure enough, half an hour later Sabastion emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Sabastion returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.



Making his way to his boss' side, Sabastion asks him, "What happened?"



His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Sabastion?"

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.



He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family.



With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.”

One day a farmer goes into town to see a vet to see how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if there standing up in the morning there not pregnant, but if there rolling in the mud they are. So the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick-up and takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all once. Then he takes them home and unloads them in there pin. Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed. The next morning he gets up and checks on the pigs and there standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all twice. Then goes home, quickly unloads them in there pin, and goes right to bed. The next morning, very tired, the farmer gets up to check on his pigs, but they are still standing. Again, he loads them in the truck, takes them to the woods, and fucks them three times. Then he takes them home, unloads them, and goes straight to bed. The next morning the farmer is so tired he can’t even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. He tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. His wife replies neither, they’re all in the back of the truck, and ones laying on the horn.

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”



The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”



A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”



Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

A woman from the records department stopped by the maternity ward for information for a new baby's birth certificate.



"Father's date of birth?"



"February 1st," replied the new mother.



"Hmm," said the clerk. "Did you realize your baby's birthday is exactly nine months after your husband's birthday?"



"No, I guess not," responded the mother, "but now that you mention it, our daughter's birthday is today, too." The clerk smiled and said, "Maybe you should start giving your husband a tie for his next birthday!"

There were three Native American women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.



All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy, while the one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.



This goes to prove that the "squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides".

A Native American chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.



After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.



After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.



The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Sister Mary burst into the principal's office and cried, "Father, just wait until you hear this!"



"Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?"



"Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!"



"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.



"But that's not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"



"Incredible!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"



She said, "Father, I hit the ceiling!"



"So how much did you win?" he mused.

The newly married husband came home from work to find his bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in only a sheer negligee.



"Guess what I have planned for dinner tonight?" she asked seductively, then quickly added, "and you'd better not tell me you had it for lunch!"

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.



The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"



A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the bride demanded, "Who was that woman?!"



"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."

Little Johnny heard the word "whorehouse" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.



Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time."



Johnny replied, "I wanna go there.! I wanna go there!"



Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.



But on Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them.



Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. "Yes?" she asked.



"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.



Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.



Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his dad.



"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.



"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"



Dad blanched. "You did? Umm, how was it?"



Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.



However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire so, alas, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.



Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.



Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."



"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"



Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are."

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I'm having trouble sticking my head that far up my ass.

My Indian name is "Runs with Beer".

Cops never think it's as funny as you do.

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?



...me neither.

A husband shopped at Victoria's Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from $50 to $500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier!



Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.



She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. "This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don't put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the $500 for myself."



So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.



Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, "Dammit! For $500, shouldn't they at least iron it?!"

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.



One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows.



He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.



He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that bull is doing."



Mabel leaned toward him and whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your cow!"

The following were taken from actual job evaluations of their subordinates by mid-ranking officers of the British Royal Marines.



1. "Since his last appraisal, this officer has hit rock bottom and has started digging."



2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."



3. "I would not allow this officer to breed."



4. "This officer is really not so much a has been, but more of a definite won't be."



5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it's only to change feet."



6. "This lady has delusions of adequacy."



7. "He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve them."



8. "This officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."



9. "This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts the better!"



10. "This officer has a knack for making strangers immediately."

I work in a busy office and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience.



Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.



"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out in mock horror.



Then another co-worker, on the other side of the office, called out: "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"



The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."



The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"



The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"



The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"



The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."



The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"



The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"



The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"



The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."



The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"



The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."



The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"



The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

The husband got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.



He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"



The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

A professor asked her college class, "What do you want out of life?"



An attractive coed in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."



The professor asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be?"



The coed said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"



The little boy nodded in the affirmative.



"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"



The little boy nodded yes.



"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"



Again the little boy nodded.



The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''



Again the little boy nodded.



"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello. Mrs. Ward, please."



"Speaking."



"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."



"What do you mean?" asked Mrs. Ward nervously.



"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."



"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.



Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."



"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mrs. Ward.



"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.



At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was a perfect Mensa challenge!



They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.



They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.



"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."



"Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.



The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.



The rabbi consented to help, came over, and he and the priest entered the confessional.



A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."



The priest asks, "What did you do?"



"I committed adultery," said the woman.



"How many times?" asked the priest.



"Three times," replied the woman.



"Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," the priest instructed.



A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."



"What did you do?" asked the priest.



"I committed adultery," said the man.



"How many times?"



"Three times," replied the man.



"Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," said the priest.



The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.



A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."



"What did you do?" asked the Rabbi.



"I committed adultery," said the woman.



"How many times?" asked the Rabbi.



"Once," said the woman.



"Go do it two more times," said the Rabbi. "We have a special this week, three for $5."