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When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80

years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his

eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me

every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit

and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite

brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my

favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."



"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."



"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."



"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now".



"Ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"



"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."



"What about that eye patch?"



"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."



"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you shouldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."



"It was my first day with the hook."

A Skit from SNL



Behind The Music: Blue Oyster Cult



Bruce Dickinson.....Christopher Walken

Eric Bloom.....Chris Parnell

Buck Dharma.....Horatio Sanz

Alan.....Chris Kattan

Bobby.....Jimmy Fallon

Gene Frenkle.....Will Ferrell









Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.



Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!



Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.



Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you're Bruce Dickinson!



Alan: It's incredible!



Bobby: I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!



Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. "Don't Fear the Reaper" - take one. [ exits into the control booth ]



[ the group begins the song. Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]



Eric: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?



Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal?



Eric: Are you sure that was sounding okay?



Bruce Dickinson: I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell. So.. let's take it again.. and, Gene.



Gene Frenkle: Yeah?



Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I'm hearing.



[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell while dancing crazily. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Frenkle misses a beat on his cowbell.]



Eric: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bruce, could you come back in here, please?



Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! That last one was even better than the first!



Eric: Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.



Buck Dharma: It was pretty rough..



Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like.



Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the track!



Gene Frenkle: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing.



[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric's ear until Eric pushes him, causing Horatio Sanz to fall ]



Eric: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] Come on, people!



Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] That.. that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!



Alan: [ grabs Gene's shirt ] Don't blow this for us, Gene!



Bobby: [ cracks up ] Yeah, quit being so selfish, Gene!



Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?



Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby. Say it.



Gene Frenkle: I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson!



Bruce Dickinson: The cock of the walk, baby!



Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!



Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby!



Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.



Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!



Gene Frenkle: ..and I'll be doing myself a disservice -- [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] -- and every member in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this.



Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!



Gene Frenkle: Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]



Bruce Dickinson: Aw, baby..



Eric: Gene, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.



[ everyone agrees ]



Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?



Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.



Gene Frenkle: Thank you.



Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we're done here.. y'all be wearing gold-plated diapers.



Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean?



Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]



Eric: [ ready to lay the complete track down ] 1, 2, 3, 4.



[ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: "In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000" ]





http://snltranscripts.jt.org/99/99pcowbell.phtml

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.



A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."



"Damn!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."



"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"



"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, lots of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one sticks his thing out, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"



"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"



"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

Last Saturday morning Bob got up early, put on his long johns and dressed quietly. He made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway he went.



Backing out of the garage he discovered rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, Bob pulled back into the garage.



He came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. He found it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.



There, Bob cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."



To which his wife sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"