The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A World War II Royal Air Force pilot was telling a grade-school class about his days in the air corps.



"In 1942, the situation was really bad. The German air force was very strong.



"I remember one day when I was flying my fighter, protecting our bombers, when suddenly out of the clouds these Fokkers appeared."



Several schoolchildren giggled.



He continued, "I looked up and one was right above me. I pulled up, aimed, and shot down that Fokker. Then they swarmed everywhere! Suddenly I realized that there was another Fokker behind me."



By now the students were laughing out loud.



Their teacher interrupted. "I think I should explain that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft manufacturer."



"That's true," said the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts!"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”



Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”



Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”



So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse! ”



Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”



Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!”



Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”



So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”



Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”



Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”



To which Ma replies, “Hurt’s, don’t it ?!”

Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.



His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."



Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then tossed that drink down, too.



"But, I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.



Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes, smiled, and slurred, "Not anymore. He is!"

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to Heaven, and God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''



Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''



God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''



God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''



Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''



God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''



Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?''



She replies: "I believe you're in my chair.''

A man was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.



They took their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica. One night, in the men's room, the new husband finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.



"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"



"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist Board. Mine reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.



She got into his car and crossed her legs, causing her habit to reveal a bit of leg.



The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.



The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"



The priest removed his hand, but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.



The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"



The priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."



Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.



On his arrival at the rectory, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."





Corporate Lesson No. 1: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A man went to see his doctor and told him he was having a problem getting his penis erect.



The doctor checked him out and told the patient that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged by a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.



Then, seeing the totally dejected look on the patient's face, the doctor said there was a new experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.



The man thought about it a while, and decided that the the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with assurances that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for the experimental treatment.



A few weeks after the operation, the doctor gave the man the green light to go ahead and try out his newly renovated "equipment".



The man planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.



In the middle of dinner, he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely uncomfortable. To release the pressure he discreetly unzipped his pants ... and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his trousers.



His girlfriend was stunned at first but, then, with a sly grin on her face, said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"



With tears in his eyes, the man replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another dinner roll will fit up my arse!"