The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I don't know how many of you visit the MGM Grand Casino but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility. This happened to me and it could happen to you.



Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are about to get in after leaving the casino. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.



It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.



You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday ... Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow and ...

A man's wife goes kayaking for the day but never comes home. He calls the police, who immediately mount a search.

"Sir, I'm sorry to say that we found her body last night at the bottom of the bay," says the trooper. "But we have some good news and some great news."

"How's that?" he cries.

"When we pulled her up, she had two 25-pound king crabs on her." replies the cop.

"So what's the great news?"

"We got four more crabs when we pulled her up again this morning."

Feelings of inadequacy? Shyness? Wish you were more assertive?



Ask your doctor about Tequila®, the natural way to feel more confident.



Tequila® will ease you out of shyness and tell the world that you're willing to do anything. And Tequila® works almost immediately.



With a regimen of regular doses, shyness and awkwardness become a thing of the past and you'll discover talents you never knew you had.



WARNING: Tequila® may not be right for everyone.



Pregnant and nursing women should not use Tequila® although women who want to become pregnant should give it a try.



Side effects include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lust, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, a desire to sing karaoke, and may lead to all-night bouts of truth or dare, strip poker, or naked twister.



"Tequila®: Leave shyness behind™"

One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs.



As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing.



Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"



Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."



After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly.



"Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.



The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.



Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.



The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.



Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.



Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.



He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert, zere is zis man, zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love."



The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."



"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!"



Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and as the police car was being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.



"Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex."



Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."



Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"



Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!" grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.



Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station.



He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"



The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things:



1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.



Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.

Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."