The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A young man went to his new girlfriend's house for the first time. He waited in the living room while she went into the kitchen to fix them a drink.



As he stood there alone, he noticed a little vase on the mantel, picked it up, and, when she returned, asked her, "What's this?"



"Oh," she said, "that's my father's ashes."



Embarrassed, the young man bit his lip, and stammered, "Oh, geez, I'm, uh, oh..."



"Yeah," said his girlfiriend, "he's too lazy to go to the kitchen for an ashtray!"

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.



February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!



March - Got really excited! Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years!"



April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!



May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions on packet ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!



June - Tried to go water skiing ... Bummer ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.



July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!



August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was open.



September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??



October - Hate M &M's .... they are so hard to peel.



November - Burned turkey. Baked it for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!



December - Couldn't call 911 ..."duh" ... like there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!



What a year!!

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to...5 really

important Questions:



Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for "suck here".



Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."



Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.



Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they

take your house and car with them.



Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Our lager,



Which art in barrels,



Hallowed by they drink.



Thy will be drunk,



(I will be drunk),



At home as in the tavern.



Give us this day our foamy head,



And forgive us our spillages,



As we forgive those who spill



against us.



And lead us not into incarceration,



But deliver us from hangovers.



For thine is the beer,



The bitter and the lager,



For ever and ever,



Barmen.

A man told his doctor that he had a problem with sex. "Doc, I'm just too small."



"Which brand of beer do you drink?" asked the doctor.



"Budweiser."



"Ah," said the doctor. "There's your problem. American beer shrinks things. Try Guinness. That makes things grow!"



Two months later, the man returned to the doctor to thank him.



"I take it you're a Guinness drinker now," said the doctor.



"Oh, no, Doc," he replied. "I put the wife on Budweiser!"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side.



When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."



Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble.



"Oh, no," her grandmother replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."



She paused and wiped away a tear.



"If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

1. COWS,

2. THE CONSTITUTION, and

3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS



COWS



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can

track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall

where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens

wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.





THE CONSTITUTION



They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just

give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked

for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.





TEN COMMANDMENTS



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a

courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not

Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,

judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the man.



"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."



"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.



"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.



Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf; and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.



"Now it's time to visit heaven.



So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time.



Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another inheaven. Now choose your eternity."



The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.



He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"



The devil looks at him, smiles and says,



"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."

Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.



Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."

Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."



Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."

Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.



Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."

Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.



Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.



Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.



Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."

Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.