The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

1. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly, you're in bed with a relative.



2. Why is it we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



3. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



4. I saw a young woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "implants?" She hit me.



5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail; but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn! ... That was fun!"

The seafood restaurant's sign read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5."



Amazed at the great value, a customer asked the waitress, "Five bucks for lobster tails? Is that correct?"



"Yep," she said. "It's today's special."



He remained skeptical. "Are they little?"



"No," she replied, "they're big."



"$5 each? Are they old?"



"No. Fresh today."



"Wow! Great! Here's my five bucks."



She took his money, led him to a table, sat him down, leaned over close and began, "Once upon a time, there was a really big red lobster..."

Little Johnny's father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new mountain bike.



"Where did you get the money for the bike, son? It must have cost $500," he asked.



"I earned it hiking, Dad," replied Little Johnny.



"Come on, John," said his father. "Tell the truth."



"That is the truth, Dad!" Johnny replied. "Every night while you were gone, Mom's boss came come over to work late with Mom. He'd give me a twenty and tell me to 'take a hike'!"

A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home inTennessee.



To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.



Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.



He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.



After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.



They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.



Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.



To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.



Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat youself stupid. I could deal with that, too.



When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.



If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swate them, too. I could deal with that.



If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.



Yup, gonna be a bear!

The husband had long dreamed of taking a trip to Alaska. He told his wife how great it would be to stay in a log cabin with no electricity, to hunt moose, and to drive a dog team instead of a car.



"Honey," he asked his wife, "if we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?"



"You!" she replied.

Q. You know what they call the person who finishes last in medical school?



A. "Doctor!"

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day, a fairy godmother comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.



The fairy godmother tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."



He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.



The fairy godmother waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.



The fairy godmother tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"



He asks her,"Shall we?"



She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on it's head."

If water fills a watermelon, what's in a kumquat?

An Irish man went to the Ascot horse races and put a £100 ($200) bet spread across all seven races -- known as an accumulator bet -- and he won!



When he went to collect his winnings the bookie said, "I am sorry I don't have full £750,000 ($1.5 million) to pay you. I can only pay you £700,000 ($1.4 million).



At this, the Irish man got indignant and said, "You robbing bastard! Give me my hundred quid bet back."

A man walks into an Australian pub and orders a pint. While he's drinking he notices a big jar full of $20 bills and a sign that said: "This could be yours". Curious he asked the pub landlord what it was all about.



"You have to pass three obstacles to win the money," explained the landlord.



"Okay, what are the obstacles?" asked the man.



"Can't tell you until you put a $20 bill in the jar," says the landlord.



Okay, thinks the man, how hard could they be? So he puts a $20 bill in the jar.



"First, you have to drink a barrel of tequila in one go," said the landlord. "Then you have to go out to the back yard and pull a decaying tooth out of my pit-bull terrier. Last, but not least, there's a 90-year-old virgin upstairs who wants someone to show her a good time before she dies."



"No way!" says the man. "Firstly no one's gonna manage to drink a whole barrel of tequila in one go. Secondly, I'm not as stupid as I look, and thirdly you can't expect me to f*ck a granny ... I got a reputation to uphold! No way am I doing that!"



"Suit yourself mate," says the landlord, "its your $20."



A few pints later, the man got up and said in a drunken fashion, "Right...where's that barrel of tequila?"



The landlord showed him where the barrel was and the man downed it in one ... everyone in the pub was amazed.



Another pint later he got up again and said, "Show where your dog is...I'm ready!"



So the landlord takes him out into the backyard and locks him out with the dog. Everyone in the pub could hear the man screaming and the dog barking and growling. This went on for about 5 minutes then the man walks in, his clothes ripped and his body covered in blood. Everyone looked at him in shock.



The landlord attended to him saying, "You okay, mate!" ...



The man replied, "Yeah I'm fine, now lets get this thing over with ... take me to the old woman who needed her tooth pulled out!"

Every time the dentist tried to extract his patient's tooth, the man clamped his jaws shut.



Finally, the dentist took his assistant aside and told her, "Look, when I'm ready, I'll give you a signal and you pinch his balls -- hard!"



He did, she did, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily extracted.



"Now, that didn't hurt much, did it?" asked the dentist.



"No, not much," replied the patient, "but who'd have thought the root went so deep?!"

During war games, the Commanding Officer's Jeep got stuck in the mud.



The C.O. saw some men lounging nearby and asked them to help him get the Jeep unstuck.



"Sorry, sir," replied one loafer, "but we're classified dead. The umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."



The C.O. then turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels for traction!"

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.



He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.



"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.



"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.



The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"



"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.



The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."



"Of course," replies the second man.



I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"



"Dublin," comes the reply.



"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."



"Of course," replies the second man.



Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"



"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."



"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"



About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.



"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kelly twins are drunk again."

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open.” He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.



Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing proudly at attention.” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, “Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you.” The college guy says, “Right on, thanks a lot man.” So the farmer says, “Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn’ going on.” College guy “Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine.” Farmer “There is also going to be a lot of fightn’ so I hope you are ready.” College guy “I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape.” Farmer says, “Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?” College guy “Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?” Farmer says, “I don’t care it’s just going to be me and you.”

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness. And the winner is:



"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.



He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.



And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.



He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"



He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.



Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"



"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.



Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"



His son replied, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"





Broken Coffee Table $239.99



Hot Breakfast $4.20



Two Aspirins $1.38



Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre musuem.



After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.



However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.



When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."





Sabastion note: And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. Hehehe!

An excited young man got into a taxi and told the driver, "I just graduated from Harvard University and I can't wait to see what the world has in store for me."



The driver looked back over the seat and said dourly, "Congratulations. I'm Mitch, Harvard Class of 1959!"

A minister died and found himself in line at the Pearly Gates behind a man wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.



St. Peter asked the man, "State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven."



The man replied, "I'm Joe, the taxi driver, from Noo Yawk City."



St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Here, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."



As the taxi driver entered Heaven, St. Peter turned to the minister. "State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"



The minister stood up tall and said, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."



St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Here, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."



The minister was confused. "Hey, wait a minute. That guy drove a taxi and he gets silk and gold, while I spent my life ministering and I get cotton and wood? How can this be?"



"Simple," said St. Peter. "Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!"