The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-grade schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.



The children began to say:



"Red............cherry,"



"Yellow.........lemon,"



"Green..........lime,"



"Orange........orange."



Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.



After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.



"Well," said the professor, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."



One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!! Spit them out everyone, they're arse-holes!"

I was buying a large bag of Purina at the store and was in line to check out, when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.



I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to.



Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.



I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.



I thought the black guy was going to need assistance as he staggered to the door, laughing uproariously...

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.



Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.



"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."



Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



========================================



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet

per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to get serious, straighten up, and fly right.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



And the best one for last.................



P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.



S: Removed hammer from midget.

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh .



Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.



She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.



The first priest approached the window.



"Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."



He completely lost his composure and fled.



The second priest goes to the window.



"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."



Mortified, he too fled.



"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.



"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."



They took the bus.