The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.



In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.



The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.



Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.



"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."



They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.



"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"



"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."



"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.



"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.



One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.



She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request, but the beautiful lady said money was no object and that she was willing to pay $50,000 for the painting.



Not wanting to get into trouble with Bobbie Sue, his wife and cousin, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Bobbie Sue.



In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it ... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Bialystock, he made an amazing discovery - Bialystock had the longest private part he had ever seen!



"I'm sorry, Mr. Bialystock," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.



He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.



The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.



"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Bialystock is dead!"

A husband bought his wife a mood ring so he could monitor her emotional swings. After a week of her wearing the ring, he discovered that when she was in a good mood the stone on the ring would turn green. But when she was in a bad mood, it left a big fucking red mark on his forehead.