The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

4 DAY PASS, shake dat ass!!!!! ( silly song for Jon)
03:07 Dec 29 2006
Times Read: 536

You've got a 4 day pass,

so shake dat ass!

Drink up your beer,

and give out a cheer!

Oh baby, you got a 4 day pass!



You got a real soft bed,

so lay down your head.

And finally see some pretties,

with big soft titties!

Oh baby, you got a 4 day pass!



Don't waste your time,

leave the stress behind.

You've got a 4 day pass,

so shake dat ass!

That's an ORDER now,

SHAKE DAT ASS!!!!!!

Feel better soon honey!
23:37 Dec 27 2006
Times Read: 538

I wish i could be there to hold you, and help you feel better, but alas it will be 5 more months till I can do so. I pray you will feel better soon, and I send you all my love, softest kisses, a hug, and my arms to hold you all day and night!

Love Always, Your Beth

A New Year!
22:45 Dec 26 2006
Times Read: 540

As the New Year approaches, I reflect on all I've learned this past year. I see how the bumps along the road of life have only made me stronger in spirit. I see that there is always hope if we never give up.



I've enjoyed so many special moments with my sons like swimming at the lake, playing ball at the park, and the sweet snuggle & read a book moments. Those are the things I want to remember.



This year God gave me one extra special gift, when He chose to bring a sweet, broken hearted soldier into my life. I never imagined that becoming his friend, would lead to such a deep love. At first I thought about bolting , running from the intense longings of my heart. I guess I was afraid to risk the pain of a broken heart.

But...God wouldn't let me blow it, or run from the very man my soul longed to be with.



I'm so glad I told Jon I love him, even if it meant taking a huge risk. When I think of what I would have missed ..., well I don't even want to imagine my life without Jon it. Some how loving and being loved by Jon has filled up a room in my heart, that had never felt life before. As long as I can remember that place in my heart ached painfully, echoed with longing, and now it is satisfied, completely filled with joy. My heart no longer searches for real love, .. because it's filled with love, filled with love for my Jonathan!



This next year will be even better, as I wait anxiously to be with my soul mate again.

Happy New Year everyone!

The reason I love him......
20:38 Dec 25 2006
Times Read: 545

Why do I love him? I love him for...HIM! I love his smile, his laughter, his incredible imagination. I love the way he is true and loyal to his friends, and protects those he loves.

I love the way he feels in my arms, and the incredible way my heart swells when he touches me. I love the way his kisses fill my heart with happiness, and my body feels a burning passion for him alone.



From the first time he touched me, held me, kissed me, and made love to me, ...I knew right then and there that I never wanted any other man but him in my life. Now as months pass, and we talk and get to know each other even better, I find my self loving him more each and every day. He is truly my soul mate...the one and only man, I can trust with my heart. I know deep inside my heart, with out any doubt, there will never be anyone else for me. He is...wow I can't even find the right words to express the way I feel about him.







I guess I could say, I love him just the way he is, ..I wouldn't change a single thing.



I love you Jonathan, and I long for the day I can show you just how special you are to me!

Merry Christmas sweet heart!

Not moving this summer!
07:19 Dec 25 2006
Times Read: 549

For some reason today, it's like I got my second wind.



In the past few months I've allowed certain people to hurt me so badly, that I doubted myself and was willing to move to get away from them. But some how I woke up today with a new attitude. I realized that I was beginning to step into my old habit of allowing others to control me, or giving up on a dream because I was starting to lose faith in my self.



When I searched inside and looked at my own dreams I realized that I've come too far in this life to take steps backwards.

If I did sell the ex. the house, I would be handing him a present of about 30 grand, because if resold to an outsider the house is worth at least 160,000 if not more.



I also know it would cost me a large chunk of change to move, and I would have to leave behind the house my kids and I have been working so hard to fix up.



So why in the heck was I wanting to move? Because I was slipping back into my push -over mode. I was tired of dealing with the ex., and instead of looking him in the eyes and telling him who I am inside, I was doing the whole run away like a scaredy cat thing.



I'm no longer a 19 year old girl with no self confidence. I'm a 31 year old woman, who may not be perfect, but I like who I am.



So it may take me working two jobs, but I'm not giving up on my dream of being a home owner.



Now I step out in faith, apply for for work with out second guessing my abilities, and do what ever takes to keep this house for my kids.

I need to hold on to the fact, that is soon as I have enough work elsewhere , I can quit working with the ex. and be free from that stress. I'm determined that come hell or high water, regardless of my health, I will work my ass off to raise my children in a home of our own.



So no running away from my problems, no losing faith in my ability to keep my home, no hanging my head in the face of one who thinks I'm dirt.

I WILL be happy, my kids WILL be happy, and NO ONE is going to stop me from making it happen!



I believe the love Jon has shown me , has reminded me that I'm worth loving, and that I need to hold on to the hope I have in God.

Merry Christmas, and a New year of hope to you all!!!!!

Christmas teasing for my Jon! Just to make you smile:)
08:43 Dec 24 2006
Times Read: 556






I want my Jon to know I love him, miss him, and so want to bite and kiss him! Merry Christmas baby!!!!!!! Love Always, your Beth

I would do anything..................
03:16 Dec 24 2006
Times Read: 557

I love him so much, I'd do anything to make him smile. If there is any way to make his days brighter, I will find it. His happiness is so important to me. I long to show him what a special , wonderful man he really is.



I want to hold him, and warm him up, kiss his neck and tickle him till he gets me back. I want to drive him so crazy, he attacks me.

But most of all I want to be his Beth forever.



I understand why he can't be here right now, and I'm very proud of him too. But...I know how hard it is for him to be away from home right now. I just want him to know that in my heart, & in my thoughts...I'm snuggling up in his arms, resting my head on his chest, and listening to his heart beat.



I love my soldier, and my Christmas wish is that he will feel my love over all the miles that separate us.



I love you Jonathan!!!!!!!

It's funny how a certain person's voice can.......
06:13 Dec 21 2006
Times Read: 564

It's funny how a certain person's voice can bring so much comfort, and make you smile no matter how much pain you're in. It's like the world could be falling in around you, and yet the love you share with that person, helps you press on and believe everything will be okay.



I wonder if he knows just how much I love him? If not he will know when he gets home.

I want to be his best friend, his faithful lover, his Beth. I want to share all that I am with him.

I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anyone.



Despite how my body feels tonight, my heart is happy, more than happy, it's filled up and overflowing with love.



(Good night honey, thank you for ...just being YOU! I love you! Love always, your Beth)

Need to go into the docs again...
20:25 Dec 20 2006
Times Read: 566

I'm try to wait til the weekend , but the pain is getting so bad I can hardly stand it. I am taking it easy at work today, but am trying to keep my mind off the pain. I want to scream, I want to cry, but most of all I just want to be held.



I pray that God will help me continue deal with this overwhelming pain in a healthy way.

And I'll just try to find things for my kids to do on their vacation, to keep them busy.



I love you Jon, love your Beth

Help me get through this day.....
17:14 Dec 19 2006
Times Read: 572

Heavenly Father, I feel so sick, and my head hurts so badly I want to scream. I have so much work to do today, but feel like laying in bed. I know I must work anyways.

I'm tired of feeling like this, and tired of working with the ex. Lord let me give everything to you, all my worries and burdens. Let me trust you to show me just where to move to this summer, and trust you to take care of me and the kids. In the moments I start to feel alone, remind me you are with me, and also that Jon loves me too. Thank you for my kids, Jon, and your love.



I ask for your strength, your patience, and your grace. Amen

AAAAHHHHH!
00:10 Dec 19 2006
Times Read: 575

My ex mother in law still wants me to get back together with her son. She has no idea he doesn't want me, never has, and has been hiding his skanky girlfriend from her for almost a year.



I refuse to be the one to tell her, that her oldest son is a man whore, and dead beat dad.

She is too sweet, and too nice for that. I will tell her I've found a man who treats me with tender kindness, and love. She will have to deal with the fact I will NEVER EVER,EVER want to be with her son again, even if he begged. Emphasis, on the NEVER, and EVER part lol! I mean, why would I go back to being treated like dirt, or like I'm a little girl who is mentally retarded? Not to mention he probably has some nasty disease from his woman by now.



Most of all ....I love Jon, and the way he loves me, so I could never be with any man but him.



My ex mother in-law will just have to accept that it really is over, and she needs to let it go.

I love her, poor thing, I guess as long as I'm "single" she will continue to dream of me being her daughter in- law again.



AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!

Do you know?
21:51 Dec 18 2006
Times Read: 577

Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how special you are to me? Can you hear my heart beating faster at the sound of your voice.

When we made love, did you see it in my eyes, did you see the love growing deep inside me?



Never did I dare believe love could feel like this, make me so happy, or feel so complete, but you...you let me love you, and gave me your love in return. There will never be any man but you, for all others faded into nothing when I found you.



Do you know my love, how much I care for you, and this love will last an eternity?

When you get home, wrap me up in your arms, and look into my eyes, see this love, feel this love, and never be lonely again!





I'm your Beth faithfully now, and for always.

On my coffee break...........
21:42 Dec 18 2006
Times Read: 579

I went to my 5 year old's Christmas program this morning. I invited the exes mom, and she came to the program, gave me a huge hug and sat by me. We had a blast watching a stage full of cute little kindergarteners singing.

I have to be honest, and say I miss my ex mother in law. When her kids got all wrapped up in their own lives, I helped her through the grief of losing both of her parents. She helped me through the loss of three babies. We lead music for church together, and enjoyed singing around her piano. We've gone to concerts together, served meals to needy families together, and had so many long talks.

It's sounds mean, but I don't miss my ex. one little bit, I do really miss his mom though. I know he doesn't want me to be friends with his mom, but after 10 years of friendship, she and I have a close bond, that divorce hasn't broken.



She hugged me several times today and told me how much she misses me. I hope we stay friends no matter what her son thinks. She is a sweet, loving woman, and a wonderful friend.

He is in my thoughts, and in my heart always,
04:05 Dec 18 2006
Times Read: 582

I can't get him off my mind, not that I really want to, lol! Even the simple act of getting myself a cup of coffee, makes me wish I was pouring him a cup, and snuggling up with him too. I can't explain it, but every day I love him more. With each moment I am separated from him, I miss him, and realize how much I want him in my life.

I find myself thinking that I wouldn' t matter where I lived, or what I did for a living, if I could be with Jon...I would be happy.



I swear I 'm going to jump into his arms, and drowned him with kisses, till he begs for mercy when he gets home.



I am only asking Santa for one thing this year, that he will stop by Jon's hut, and sprinkle some of my kisses on Jon while he's sleeping.

I already have what what I've always wished for, my three sweet sons, and a special man I love with all my heart.



I love you Jonathan, and some day I hope to show you just how much you mean to me.

Love Always, your Beth

Help me deal with the pain,
01:27 Dec 18 2006
Times Read: 584

Heavenly Father, please help me deal with the pain, and not let the kids see how much my head hurts. I try not to be crabby with them, no matter how much I just want to lay in bed, and be held.



Help me to trust you, and believe you know best.

I'm trusting you to heal me, comfort me, and hold me when it hurts. i know I didn't make it to church today, my head just hurt too much, but I was with you in my heart.



I love you!

This love amazes me.....
05:41 Dec 17 2006
Times Read: 588

I'm continually amazed at the depth of love my heart holds for my mate. Not even in my dreams did I imagine loving a man so much my heart aches for him, and I long just to hear his voice and be in his arms once more.

Every time he calls me, I smile like I just won a million dollars, I feel THAT happy to talk with him.



It's strange but I realized the other day, that even though my mate is thousands of miles away, busy with all the work of a soldier in a war zone, ....he makes me feel so loved! I've shared more of my inner self with him, than I've ever shown anyone else. I was lucky enough to share my body with him as well, and long to give him even more of my love when he gets home.



I think of him all day, and even dream of him at night. I feel like I can talk with him about, and even laugh about anything I wish. He is so smart, yet never makes me feel stupid.

I never feel like have to pretend everything is okay, I can just be myself with him. Never in my life have I felt such a connection with anyone , like I feel with him.



I don't know what the future will bring, but my heart has already decided what it wants, and it tells me every minute if every day...." That I will love Jonathan for the rest of my life!"

There really is nothing in my past I could compare this love with , and I would even dare say Jon is my first real love.



Loving, and being loved by him has changed my life is such a positive way. I LOVE , loving him!!!

I love being in his arms, and seeing him smile at me. I love holding his hand, and laughing over the silly things in life. I could make love with him forever, sharing the overwhelming love spilling from my heart through my touch, and my kisses.

I love kissing him!



Oh my sweet soldier, your Beth misses you, and loves you more than you could ever know. This is no fleeting love affair, or lustful fling, but a knowing deep inside my mind and heart that you are truly my soul mate.



I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! ( Sweet dreams honey!)

For my mate, Merry Christmas honey!
03:58 Dec 16 2006
Times Read: 594

I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause,

under neath the mistletoe last night,

funny how he wore combat boots,

and held a rifle at his side!



I heard mommy sighing happily,

as Santa held her close and called her " dear,"

but then ..I'm afraid I had to close my eyes,

when Santa started pinching mommy's rear!



I saw mommy smiling so very bright,

her face lit up ..just like a Christmas tree.

I heard her say "I love you Santa Clause,"

and he kissed her till she giggled with glee!

He doesn't know...........
04:17 Dec 15 2006
Times Read: 598

He doesn't know what is waiting for him when he gets home. All this love, hugs, kisses , cuddles, back rubs, and pots of coffee ;) I have saved up for him. I know there are so many people who tease me for waiting for him, they think I 'm nuts or something. Well maybe they are right, I AM nuts lol, nuts about him!!! I can't promise him some things like materialistic things or anything like that, but I can promise him that my heart mind and body are his, and his alone! SO to all of you who doubt my waiting is worth it, I say " Jonathan is worth more than any man in this world, worth waiting for, worth loving, worth holding in my arms, worth it all!"



There is no alternative to waiting for him, my heart chose him before we ever met, and now no one else will ever take his place. He is my soul mate, my best friend, a man I respect and admire. He is sweet and kind, not just to me... but also my children. He has become the center of my heart, & I don't know how he did it, but he loved me past my fears till I trusted him fully.



He doesn't know yet, how deeply I love him, or how I long to hold him as he sleeps, long to make love with him , long to just be his Beth always.



I love him with all of my heart, love him so much it still scares the hell out of me, but he is worth it!

Unsure of tomorrow.......but still dreaming
04:02 Dec 15 2006
Times Read: 599

( I guess some things the doc. told me yesterday, sort of caused me to think about what I really want in life.)



Some people say hold onto your dreams, well I think life is a changing dream. See I once had a dream of having a man want me, love me, & need my love so much he would make me his bride, then we would have children together, he and I would grow old together. I also dreamed of singing for people around the world, sharing the songs that flow from my heart to my lips. I wanted to make my life shine.



But now, years later I know that those dreams may never come true, ...but then again I have a new dream.



I dream of being free of this pain & the embarrassing struggle to remember ,and process information...., to be free of passing out, and feeling tired, then trying to hide it. I dream of simply being alive, so I can be a great mom , & be there to rock my grand-babies some day. I dream of singing jazz and blues with my friend Sinclare , and making people smile.



Even thought it's silly, I still dream....that one day a man will fold me in his arms, bring me next to his heart, and tell me he loves me so much, that he can't imagine his life with out me. I dream that for the first time in my life, my heart won't get get broken, because that man will want my heart forever, and he wont let anything stop him from making me his own.



I dream that my life will touch others , and that I will reach out to people who are sick, lonely and hurting. I want to be remembered not for any fortune or fame, but for my heart, that 's all I really have of worth to give anyone.

Loving you....
21:33 Dec 14 2006
Times Read: 602

Loving you, is the most natural thing in the world. There is not one thing I would want to change about you. I love your silliness, your freaky side, and all those things that make you , YOU!



I can't wait to get to know you even better, to understand you in a deeper way.

I'm blessed, and honored to have a man like you in my life.



Loving you is an adventure, an unexpected passionate joining of souls. You voice makes me blush, my heart beat faster, my face smile till it almost hurts. You opened a door to my heart, that had never seen light, a door that was waiting for you.



Loving you makes me happy!

The more I get to know you, the more I love you. You are never boring, with that ever present twinkle in your eyes! You make me laugh, and your love makes me cry happy tears.



Loving you feels right, beautiful, and I never want it to end!



I love you Jonathan!!!!

A quick journal for my mate.....
05:19 Dec 14 2006
Times Read: 607

I just wanted to tell you... how much you mean to me. I feel blessed to have your love, and to give you mine . My life is so much better with you in it. You complete me in a way I never thought possible. I love you, my hard working, sweet soldier! Love Always, your Beth

A day at the doctors.....
00:04 Dec 14 2006
Times Read: 611

Well I bit the bullet, and went into the docs today. She ran like zillion blood tests, and had me go get a CAT scan.



Apparently the head injury I received when I was raped and beat up a while back, is the cause of my pain, memory loss, passing out, and other problems. Medications may help, but I guess from what she said it could take years to heal.



Two good things came out of it though. Now I know whats wrong with me, and have hope to recover from it. I also explained things the ex., and he felt really bad and said he will not give me a hard time anymore. He's even willing to be flexible on the work situation. I think me telling him, if he doesnt quit stressing me out , I won't be able to take care of the kids , scared him lol! It would really cramp his style to have to watch 3 little boys all the time.



Oh...., and I got a candy cane form Santa today!!

The local firemen visited my kid's school, and as I was walking over to pick my kids up, one of the firemen dressed up like Santa gave my youngest son and I candy canes. To my son he said " I know you've been a good little boy", but to me he said, " I 'm not too sure about you though, but then again Santa likes naughty girls!"

LMAO!!!!! Santa really does know me!



Oh.... and to my mate Jonathan, I love you, and miss you, and so want to hug and kiss you!!! ;)

Dealing with the pain....
07:32 Dec 13 2006
Times Read: 615

My migraines are getting worse every month. I should be sleeping but instead I'm throwing up, and trying not to scream from the pain.



I'm glad the kids are all asleep, so if I need to cry, I can just go ahead and cry and not worry about them seeing it. I may just have to say fuck it, and go to the doctors in the morning. Screw the damn medical bills, I'm so wiped out from loss of sleep. My head aches never really go away anymore, and are growing worse. I have nausea & dizziness every morning now, and have to make myself eat. I don't know whats wrong, but I do know I don't have time for this shit. I'm going to need to work my ass off, and save up $ to move this summer. I would love to buy a modest real house instead of a damn double wide.



I'd give my kidney for vacation , lol....just to walk on the beach, any beach at all, and have my mate's arms around me.

Well time to throw up again, good night.

Kicked out of the coven...*sobbing* LMAO!!!
03:07 Dec 13 2006
Times Read: 621

Well , I say a fond farewell to the coven who forced me to join them, then never even bothered to get to know me...so I ignored them right back, lol! I shan't miss you at all, and I'm so glad to have their mark erased from my page.

I hope to find a coven that cares about getting to know me as a person, not just getting fucking points for their coven. I don't like being used by anyone.



So to the coven who kicked me out...kiss my ass, you never gave a shit about me the first place!

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

I will offically be moving this summer.....
21:18 Dec 12 2006
Times Read: 626

As much as it will be difficult to leave the house, my children & I have worked so hard to make a home..., it is for the best. Yes it hurts to know the ex & his g/f will move their shit into the very bedroom I turned into my own little nest. I will also leave behind some large furniture, that I saved a long time to purchase, but no possession is worth the stress of living so near or working with my ex.



I plan on buying a newer double wide, 3 bedroom manufactured home in PF Idaho, and hopefully it will be in the same area my sister lives in. It's sort of humiliating to know the ex. and his g/f will have the home I always wanted, the home I dreamed of raising my kids in, but I also know the kids will be happier in Idaho.

I asked them about it last night, and they literally cheered that "yes, they wanted to live by their cousins again!!!!!"



So once again our lives are changing, and moving forward. I pray my mate understands my decision to move away from the ex., and not have to deal with all that drama. I'm tired of the pain, tired of the stress, and ready to live my life to the fullest. It will mean a little change in life styles and jobs, but the peace it will bring to the kids and I is priceless. $ doesn't mean anything more than providing for my kids. The love I have found in my children and my mate, makes me one rich woman indeed. I'm already smiling about moving back to Idaho, ...plus the fishing there is awesome! ;)



Jonathan, if your reading this...I hope you understand my need to move and to see my kids and I happy and be free from the control we've been under for so long. I love you!

He just can't see it...
04:48 Dec 12 2006
Times Read: 629

He just can't see that the way he treats me is SO wrong, and disrespectful. How his attitude towards me, is so hurtful and degrading. How everything I say, ...is stupid to him, & I'm always some how wrong. I don't want these tears to fall, I don't want his words tonight to hurt me, but they do.

When he talks to me I feel so worthless, so stupid, so....sad. He doesn't believe that any guy will love me, and want to make me his own. In his eyes, I'm dirt, no ...lower than dirt.



But Jon, Jon makes me feel beautiful, wanted, and special. Jon inspires my heart to grow , and love him even more. SO I will wipe away these tears, and think of Jon, not what the ex. said tonight.



I can't believe words spoken from one who has no respect for me. I could walk on water and not be good enough. I must cling to the words of one who loves me, and shows me every day that he wants me.



I love you Jonathan Allen, you are the most wonderful man in the world. I can't wait till you get home, so I can feel your arms around me again!!!!

Planning for the summer....
18:44 Dec 11 2006
Times Read: 633

I'm seriously thinking of moving back to Idaho this summer. I could sell my house to the ex. so he could have it for the company, and get away from him at the same time. That would place me in a different sate than the ex., and not have to see him, but be close enough for the kids to see him a couple times a month. The kids would be able to keep their rooms in the house for when they visit their dad and feel comfy.. It would also place me closer to my sis, so we can see each other, & trade baby sitting again.



I've come to see that living 10 minutes from a control freak ex, and having to put up with him showing up with no notice really sucks, and moving will remove that stress from my life.

When I find a new job, I don't want to see, or talk to the ex., unless it is about the kids.



I just want to move forward with my life and be happy. I hope my mate will understand the need for me to get away from the stress and drama of the ex. , and start a new life. It's time for the kids and I to have peace.



( I love you Jon!)

For my mate....
04:15 Dec 11 2006
Times Read: 636

When you come home, my arms ..... my heart, all that I am is waiting to shower you with love! I don't want to just give you "sex" when you get home, I want to show you with every touch, and the sweetest kisses, that to me... you are the most special man in the world.

Every night I dream of holding you, and making love with you. Every day my mind and heart echo your name, and my love for you grows deeper still. There is no place I'd rather be than in your embrace my Jonathan, you...make me so very happy! I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life giving you all the love growing in my heart, that was meant just for you. Good night sweet heart...stay safe, and remember you are loved!

Some guys are fucking pigs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
09:56 Dec 10 2006
Times Read: 642

Okay, I was at my fave bar tonight, you know just hanging out with my friends, and there was this guy there, who would not leave me alone.

He kept grabbing me, and tell me I was going to go home with him. I told him over and over again, I have a boyfriend, and no...I would NOT go home with him!!!!!! He yelled at me across the bar for a half an hour , saying "come on, let's go to my house!"

I was so embarrassed, but then he grabbed my wrist and turned it really hard, I had to yank free of him. It pissed me off, and scared me, so I had a buddy walk me to my car, and I went home. Why do some guys think that a girl out alone is just after sex? I was trying to have some fun, and never flirted with that guy, in fact I avoided eye contact with him.



I'm so tired of being seen as a target for some guy to score. I was dressed in an elegant long black formal dress ( went to a Christmas party with Amber), I was NOT dressed like some prostitute. So why would a guy assume I'm desperate for sex?



After tonight , I'm not even sure if I want to go out anymore. I was raped and beaten almost to death once, and I'm not sure I could recover fully, if it happened again. Being a single girl this day in age sucks, you don't feel safe...it really sucks!! :(

Well I'd better get some sleep, I hope I dream about laying safe and warm in Jon's arms.

( I miss you SO much honey!!!!)

what do you do?
19:50 Dec 09 2006
Times Read: 645

What do you do, when you find the man who makes every inch of your heart complete? What do you do, when his touch is so satisfying, so passionate and wonderful, you never want him to stop touching you? How do you tell him, that you love, cherish, and desire every inch of his body, and all of his heart? Are there really the right words to express how deeply you love him, or how special he is to you?



Is there anyway to let him know he is the only man you trust your heart, and body with? Why do words fail to express what your heart calls out day after day....., that you want to be his forever! If only he could see the pictures in your heart, of both of you walking hand and hand on the beach, and making love on the sand!



Does he know that you will love him for the rest of his life, and that when ever it happens you want to be the hand holding his , on the day God calls him home?



The only answer I have for now, is that..I will love him, love him with all of my heart, and do my best to show him every day that he is a man above all others, none could compare to him or take his place in my heart. Even before we met face to face, I wanted to be with no other man but him. I will cherish this man, protect and love his heart, make love with him till he falls asleep smiling, bring him gallons of coffee ;), and rub his shaved head!!!! ;)



Since I've never love a man like I love him, this is all new to me, these feelings and longings all brand new. In truth I don't think I ever really loved any other man, my heart...longed for someone else...a sweet, funny, smart, naughty, soldier named Jonathan!



I love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A quick journal entry...about him....
00:03 Dec 09 2006
Times Read: 650

I cant stop thinking about him, or how good it felt to be in arms. With him, I have a sense of feeling complete, and just knowing I was meant to be with him. Later tonight I will be going past the motel he stayed at on his leave, and other places we went together..like where we went dancing. I know that my heart is going to overflow with happiness as I look at the window and remember every special moment we spent together on his leave. I find it hard to explain how I feel about him, or how he makes me so happy, all I know is that I love to love him, and be loved by him. He is so special, and dear to my heart.

He truly is the only man I'll ever want or need.

I love him, just for him...for the silly, sweet, freaky, wicked man he is! ;)

I love you Jonathan!!!

Flu season
20:59 Dec 08 2006
Times Read: 652

I just got my oldest son to fall asleep. I had to go pick him up from school, because he's not feeling well. It was a good thing the school called when they did, because I had some stuff to do for work in downtown Spokane, and was ready to head out.



I feel bad that Jacob will still have to go to the ex's house this weekend, I know he'd much rather be laying his own bed, letting me spoil him. but he will be okay over there I guess, I will try not to worry.



My buddy is "making" me go out tonight. He wants to buy me a shit load of drinks to get my mind off stuff, but I know him too well to get let him get me drunk. He's a nice guy, but I wouldn't put it past him to take advantage of me if I drank too much. He is right about it not being good for me to sit at home this weekend.

I need to laugh, and stay positive, no matter what life throws at me.



I will say it is amazing how hearing Jon's voice, and laughing with him, has somehow made me feel like everything will be okay. I don't know how he makes me so happy even in the tough times, but I sure love him for it! what a sweet, special man , I'm blessed to love, and be loved by.



I won't be on-line tonight, since I'll be out, but I want to wish you all a great Friday night! :)

( Oh... and Jon dear, I'm making you a little video tonight;)

Smarty pants soldier!!!! LOL!
01:27 Dec 08 2006
Times Read: 655

There is this "soldier" who likes to call me and tease me! And he called me tonight telling me about his newly shaved head, well my dear...., if you only had a clue what I would do with that head of yours, you'd be begging, not teasing! ;)

( A have a fetish for shaved or bald heads.....OMG... I can barely control myself right now, knowing he shaved it!!!!)

Love you honey, sweet dreams. SMOOCH!!!!!!!

Job interview...
22:28 Dec 07 2006
Times Read: 656

Well my interview went well today, and they want me to come back next week. I hope and pray I get this job, because the company is 5 minutes from my house, has health benefits, and will pay me enough that I can keep my house.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high, in case it doesn't work out, but it would be blessing to not have to worry anymore. I will continue to work part time for my currant company till at least summer rolls around. I will only work at night for my currant company, and not deal with the ex. hardly at all. I think he feels bad about the $ he took, and I hope that's true, because it effects his kids not just me.



I've decided not to let anything the ex. pulls, or says, to get me down or stress me out. I need to take care of my kids , and myself, and ignore that controlling moron.



( I think he is jealous as hell over the fact Jon really loves me, I don't think the ex. believed anyone would want me for anything deeper than sex.)



I'm having a great day! :)

Tell me what your will is !
19:27 Dec 07 2006
Times Read: 657

I'm trying to decide what to do about my house.

Trying to block out the ex., who wants my home badly, and listen to God instead. What does He want? I know that moving again will cause my oldest son to go back into his shell. He just started genuinely smiling again, snuggling up to me again, and hasn't lashed out at me in a long time.

I believe that if God wants us to stay here, He will provide the job I need to do so.



I will do what ever He wills.

Loving my soldier,
15:37 Dec 07 2006
Times Read: 660

It's not easy being separated from my dearest one. And yes, if I allow myself to, I worry that he will get injured or worse, and even fear that I will never get to hold him in my arms again.



But then I remember about all of his fellow soldiers, the ones who are counting on him, and need him to help them in the work our country calls them to do. It's at that moment my fears fade to pride, and I hold on to the knowledge that my soldier is well trained. He is sneaky, smart, and has a fighting spirit. I know that there is a chance he might not come home, but then again I could be killed in car accident right here at home too.



So instead of worrying about what I can't control, I'm just going to send all my love, and let my wonderful soldier know he is missed and wanted. These month apart are a learning experience for me, a true step in faith, as I trust God to protect Jonathan, and also be there for him when I can not.



This Christmas, Jon may not be here in person, but I will be with him. For he took my heart with him, when he left my arms that summer day.

My heart is his, now and always, ...every day I see more clearly, that no other man could ever take his place.



I love my soldier, even though it will be months before I can kiss his sweet face, I love him!!!!

Adopting a couple of soldiers....
06:57 Dec 07 2006
Times Read: 661

I was thinking tonight about all of the ladies and men in the military who day after day, get nothing at mail call, and I decided it was time I do something about it. So I went to the support our troops website. and adopted a couple of soldiers to be pen-pals with.



I think our troops need all the support and love we can give them. If you have the time, please consider adopting a soldier yourself. You will make some great friends, and let our armed forces know they are not forgotten, and that we care about them.



( Besides, Jon will soon get tired of all my perfumed up letters, so I'd best send some of my crazy mail to a few others , lol!)

Feeling much better....
06:17 Dec 07 2006
Times Read: 662

The combination of getting a a little rest, and hearing from my mate, has helped me feel alot better. My stomach is finally settled down, and my heart.....well some guy over in Afghanistan, not to name names or anything ;) pretty much soothed my heart, and made me smile again. Dang I love that man!!!!!! I hope I make him smile too.



I' m really looking forward to my son Eric's Christmas school program. He loves to sing, just like his mom. ( I don't think there is anything sweeter to God's ears than the sound of little children singing.)



You all have a great night, I know tonight I will sleep like a baby, and have sweet dreams of my mate. (I hope you are feeling better honey! I love you!!!!

Love your Beth)

late afternoon snuggles, and a phone call....
00:35 Dec 07 2006
Times Read: 667

I had finished up my work early, and since I was tired from being sick, I snuggled up with my little 5 year old and dozed off. I love the feeling of a sweet little boy, snuggled next to my heart.



But that wasn't all....the phone rang, and who should it be, but my mate calling from Afghanistan! At the sound of his voice my heart felt lighter, happier, and all the stress, and worry from what's going on in my life melted away. Laughing with him...., even just having him tease me, some how made me feel like , everything is going to be okay. I don't know how he does it, how he can make me smile, and my heart beat wildly, but he does it from thousands of miles away. He is the only man that can make me laugh, and smile like a fool, no matter how hard things get, what a sweet man! Just imagine all the kisses he's getting when he gets home!!!!!!



I love my soldier, and no matter what happens over there, I will be right here to love him, and eagerly waiting for his return. I'm so going to run up to him , jump into his arms, cover him with kisses, and give him all my love when he comes home this summer, ....I hope I don't knock him over, lol! I love you Jonathan, and don't you forget it....oh and by the way any biting you do....you know I'll bite you back right??? ;) LMAO!!!!!

feeling ....dizzy
17:44 Dec 06 2006
Times Read: 671

Well two of the kids woke up sick this morning and stayed home, the other I dropped off at school. and me, I almost passed out at the bank this morning when I dropped off some stuff for work. I'm making myself choke down a few crackers even if I puke it up later.



I so need a nap, but ..I'll suck it up and get back to work.

I apologize for venting so much, I just cant talk to my kids about this, because they need me to be strong, and I don't want to whine around to anyone. Some days it would be nice to be held when I'm sick, and taken care of, but like most of you out there, life doesn't hand us roses.

What ever it takes....
23:45 Dec 05 2006
Times Read: 686

I don't care what others say or do, I don't care what life throws in my path, I will do what ever it takes, to show you I 'm not giving up on our love. Your life, and focus has to be of the war you're in, and the friends who depend on you.

Us? As long as we talk about our fears, and work together to get through our misunderstandings, we will be just fine.

I'm learning so much from loving you, what makes you worth the risk of a broken heart, what makes you so special, that I would wait forever if need be.



In my heart , no man exists but you, and no one can compare to you. I only want you, your love, your body.



So what if I'm scared? I WILL NOT RUN FROM YOU, love means growing as a person, and yes risking everything for the one you love.

You are worth the risk...so worth it.

I'm yours!

Email sucks, lol!
19:18 Dec 05 2006
Times Read: 689

Have you ever tried to tell someone how you're feeling inside, in a damn email? Have you ever misunderstood the meaning, or even the humor someones trying to get across because you cant see their face? EMAIL SUCKS!



It's so easy to feel cut off or, start to worry, when you cant touch, or hear the one you love.

You just have to come to the understanding that no email can really replace a real live conversation, and be forgiving.



I hope and pray my mate will forgive me as I' m getting used to this whole long distance relationship thing. I will have to learn to wait, and not react to anything, and just remember...EMAIL SUCKS!!! ;)



I'm having a wonderful smart ass day, try it...it's a great stress reliever, and fun too!!!!! LMAO!!!!



Oh , and Jon dear, I'm so going to bite you...and yes..JUMP YOU IN THE AIRPORT , when you get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( You think I'm kidding? I'm dressing up like a naughty catholic school girl, with no panties on!

That right, I'm not going to be scared of loving you, or your spankings..lol)!

A morning with my mechanic, a very special time....lol!
19:02 Dec 05 2006
Times Read: 695

Sorry, just smarting off to keep things light.

I just got back from the mechanic, and will go back after I get my youngest from school, since there is more to be fixed.



Today is a day to laugh my head off at the craziness of the world, leave the worrying to some other poor bastard, and believe that this too shall pass. I've got my kids, I'm still alive, oh and there's this wicked, naughty soldier I'm absolutely nuts about , so really I'm very blessed. I've called upon some friends who work in business, and law, to straighten out the mess the ex. created. I'm also telling the ex, and others to shut the hell up, and trusting my mate fully, letting him love me, and not worrying about the doubts others have. I'd be an idiot to push away the one man who's ever really loved me. I'd be stupid, to deny myself the best thing that's ever happened to me, just because I've been hurt in the past.



So while I make smart ass jokes with the mechanic, and hand him a crap load of $ to support his gambling habits, ( just kidding), I will smile. Why? Because for one, the ex. can do anything he wants to hurt me, and I don't fucking care. He will not ruin my life, scare me, or take away the love I have for my kids or my mate. In fact, I wish the ex. all the luck in the world with his ugly whore, his best friend.. liquor, and everything that means nothing.

I already have everything that matters...I have love.

I will not run away, I will not be pushed away, I'm here as long as you want me...
06:58 Dec 05 2006
Times Read: 695

That little boy long ago, who watched his grandpa pass away? I long to scoop him into my arms, hold him to my breast and let him weep till he falls asleep. Lord above I want to kiss that little boy's forehead, and tell him it wasn't his fault, that he doesn't have to hold onto the pain for the rest of his life, and that his grandpa would want him to be happy.



And now this dear sweet boy is a man, ...a hurting, tired, special man, who still needs to be held, and perhaps even weep, or just be snuggled close and let the pain comes out.

I want to be the arms he weeps in , the ears to listen to his sorrow, and the one who makes him smile again. If he wants me, there is NOTHING that will stop me from loving him! Only he can send me away, and even then I will love none other till the day I die.

Never the fool
00:37 Dec 05 2006
Times Read: 702

Your feelings are not foolish, your thoughts are not foolish. You have the right, and the freedom to be honest about what you want , and what you need. You are not the bad guy, but you are loved, more than you could ever know, you are so very loved. ( I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!)



It's not your fault...., that my heart feels this way. You are much more than I deserve.

Can't sleep
08:49 Dec 03 2006
Times Read: 715

Well the kids have been asleep for hours. My head hurts so bad , I want to scream, and some how laying down doesn't help. I want a hug so badly, but I'll live. I'd do some office work, but when it gets bad like this I can't focus on my work.



I love you Jon, and hope you feel better soon honey!

I will always be here for you!
03:37 Dec 03 2006
Times Read: 778











My dearest one, I'm sorry I can't comfort you, and sooth away your pain. I wish I could hold you against my heart as you sleep. But as with any war, there is not much I can do across the miles that separate us. All I can do is love you, and try my best to show it.



I know you're resting right now, and I pray you will be blessed with sleep, and will awaken feeling better. I love you my dear sweet Jonathan!

What a precious man
18:53 Dec 02 2006
Times Read: 786

















Never in my life have I felt such a strong connection to any man. Never before has any man understood me, and loved me with out trying to mold me into some one I'm not.

Never before have I felt so loved, wanted, and yes...even cherished. It's all I ever wanted, and after time had passed I thought it wasn't meant to be.



Don't get me wrong, I know what love is, for the very day I found out I was pregnant with my 6 babies I loved them deeply. But other than my children, and perhaps my best friend of over 22 years ( B.J.) I haven't felt free to be myself with anyone. With my kids, I'm relaxed, and can joke around, just be myself.

With my friend B.J. , well she knows me inside and out, just like I know her.

But till he came into my life, no man had really understood me, or how I need so much more than just a wam -bam, thank you mam, sort of relationship. I wanted love, and to give my heart to a man who wanted it.

He, ....I cant even describe how he moves my soul, I love him so much, a tear is running down my cheek this very moment. I guess it still hard to believe that he really wants me, but I'm so glad he does. He is the only man I've ever called my soul mate.

I never felt that way about any man before Jon, (and certainly not my ex. husband. There's times I wondered if for any of the 10 years I gave him, he ever even saw me or heard a word I had to say. Most of the time he just mocked me, or treated me like an idiot. ) But with Jon, I feel like his equal, his friend, his mate, .....like we can really share our hopes and dreams , then help each other reach them.



I also see the way my kids respond to the attempts Jon makes to get to know them.

( Now to make it clear, I would never date a man just to give my kids a more active, or caring father. I know that above all else I need to be loved, and give love to the man my heart desires.) But with Jon, .....my kids are eager, and I do mean all three of my kids are eager to get to know him. My youngest two sons are very outgoing, and I heard them just this morning talk to each other in their own room about Jon.

They had started playing soldiers, and actually fought about who was going to be be "mom's boyfriend Jon. Cause he's a cool soldier."

LOL, they are making Jon pictures, and all kinds of stuff little kids do for a man they love.



Now my oldest Jacob, he is shy, BUT......he also wants to get to know Jon better. He gets to stay up later than his brothers, so at night he and I play board games and talk about what ever he wants to. Lately, he often asks questions about Jon, ..and is worried Jon will be shot and not come home. Jacob really wants to spend time with Jon, and is excited at the thought of fishing with Jon. I shared with Jacob that Jon hurt his knee, and Jacob came up with ideas about how to make Jon comfy when fishing, like we could fish off a dock, and Jon could sit in a chair, or we could go with one of my brothers and his kids in my bros. boat.



I find all this pretty cool, because after the ex. and I broke up, I promised my self I would never again spend years with a man, who would ignore me, or my kids. Being rejected by the one you want to be loved by, hurts worse than being hit.



But...with Jon, not once, NEVER has he tried to control me, change me, or belittle me in any way.

Instead some how Jon makes me feel beautiful, special, and...happy!

I hope that I make Jon as happy as he makes me. How I love my tired, hard working soldier.

How I miss my loving , sweet Jon. How I would love, to spend my life wrapped up in his arms.

Jonathan, you have taken down every defensive brick around my heart, wrapped me in tender love, and filled me with joy.

I love you!!!!!!!