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Trust is a very funny thing. I try to trust everyone that I know. But no one trusts me back. I try to tell my friends things that are hard for me to deal with and I try to build a realtionship. And all I get back is a wall of nothingness. Sure we talk, but never about anything important to us. I dont know if its that they dont care of if they dont understand that for any relationship to work you have to have trust. But how I can want to trust them or tell them things when they dont even trust me enough to keep a simple secrect?

My life makes sad sense. I can't have the boy I like becuase he loves my best friend. I can't love myself becuase I dont see me worthy enough. Im an attention whore becuase I need to feel that someone loves me at all times. Yet I want to be alone, I have the feeling that everyone in pretending. That I am just a pawn in a cheap game of life. My saddness is easily seen and covered up even easier with a fake smile and witty remarks. I try to not think about all the sadness becuase my life isnt bad. I over analyze everything people do and say. How someone looks at me. If someone at a coffee shop is nice to me more once I began to think they like me. I'm patheic

I spent friday night, saturday, and most of sunday with the loves of my life. Amber, Michael and I went to Denton to see Chris (veganvamp) and spend the weekend with her. We went shopping for "real" food. That was fun b/c we pushed Chris around in the cart.:-p Michael, Chris and I all slept in one bed, which was interesting. We played games and watched cartoons and then we and hung out in down town Denton, which is little and cute. There was a two story book store that was sooooo great. Thats when I remembered that my family had been there before. One of the best parts was going to Tomato, which is this great pizza place. It took like 30 mins for our pizza but when it got to us it was SO worth it. It was freaking thick. like at least four inches thick, thats ALOT of pizza. Fast foward through vintage/ thrift stores, tattoo parlors (there is a creepy guy store if any one is interested) and comic shopes and we find ourselves back at chris' waiting for michelle and johnny. and when they get there, all hell breaks loose. :-p

So when johnny is around other people, he somehow gets them to act like a 12 year old. not saying thats bad, but thats what happened. oh that and i molest him :-D Well we made tons of noise and at about 2 or so we thought about sleeping. again, chris michael and i slept in the bed, amber had the couch and michelle and johnny slept on the floor. well, i made michae trade spots with me so i was on the right side of the bed. well then michael fell asleep and chris and i stayed up talking till about 4 or so, and then when to sleep.

The next day was pretty much the same but with johnny and michelle.

ANYWAYS

I love my friends, they made a weekend rock my socks off. Im completey and totally in love with each and everyone one of them.

I have the weirdest feeling of wholeness right now. I have three of the best friends I have ever met. I want to see them all the time and they never bore me. I'm happy with most everything when theyre around and when they leave I know that Im going to see them again soon so it makes me happy.



Ive never had a group of friends before that Ive not felt weird around. Michelle is someone I can tell anything to and I dont feel weird around or anything. She reads me really well, they all do. And she sings A*Teens with me :-p Michael was a friends ex who I hated for a really long time. There were issues the sprung from lies that created anger from both sides. But now, like Michelle, I feel like I can tell him anything and he'll understand. That and he's my movie god :-D Johnny is my little Marine. He's really sweet, randomly too. He's leaving soon and I think it might break my heart alittle.



I love these people. They're simply amazing.