The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I don't think you realize... no matter how foolish this sounds.. I feel lonely when not talking to you.. Your absence leaves a dent in my otherwise boring sub-par life.. -laughs at myself- I hope you return soon... -looks up at my stars- Until then my friend..I shall be waiting for you



-sits up in a tree under the moonlight-

-pulls up my chair and wraps myself in a blanket, eyeliner stains covering my face-

So... I won't be eating tonight... not that I do not want to.. I just can't. This happens every once and a while when I am agitated, food just will not stay in my stomach. I should not complain... I understand there are others out there that have worse infliction than mine.

I am still uncertain if we are moving -sighs softly- We may be, we may not be... my mother is a very complex piece of work, who is so desperately trying to get back with the man who is her poison, in turn making her my poison... this is a very unhealthy environment for me... please get me out... anyone.



I just randomly broke down... my underlined loneliness decided to rear its head and make me cry like it has so often done as of late. It makes me laugh. I used to be so strong, such a kind sweet girl... one who liked to help others in need and make those who are sad become happy. Sadly... due to my current... emotions... I have no urge to meddle with others... maybe a few I deem worthy.. but no one in real life at this time. I need to take my eyeliner off.. I look like I would be on a cd cover.



That brings me to another thing... make-up.. I hate it in a way... it itches and makes me look like a barbie.. why can I not be pretty without it... It's sad that me showing my facial flaws instead of covering them up is deemed wrong.



Sorry for many journals in a short time.. I am sorry...

~Ren

I feel like I am drunk, like I have consumed a large amount of booze.. I guarantee I have not.. but tell that to my lethargic movement, and watery eyes. I guess this is what you call depression is it not?



My life is not perfection as some may assume... my life has been trial after trial, trying to trick me to end my life. Well, I may be smarter than these trials, but as of late... my ability to distinct these trials from normal life is difficult. I know this body is mine, in a way, and also not mine, in a way. I know I must somehow consume a certain type of drink to survive, but at the same time if I consume this drink the other half of me has the ability to get deadly ill from it. My life is filled with choices that I wish that I did not have to make.



The sun has been bothering me more lately, I guess the side-affects of not being completely what I was born as are kicking in. I could hardly drive today... this will be a problem. This morning I woke up at, I believe 5:30am, and I have not been back to sleep since. I guess you can say I skipped... school today, in reality I had my father call me in because I could not deal with people... -insert laughter at how pathetic I am here- I have just not been in the right... mental state to deal with in person communication right now..



I just got done raking our entire front yard... not enjoyable... and I gave up and went inside before the back-yard was finished. So I am honestly waiting to be bitched at for that by my mentally unstable mother. It is pathetic that you must make your child feel so low, that they wish to drop out of high school and run from you. Why is this so sad? Because I am an honor student who has dreamed of attending Le Cordone Blue since very young... and now that I have the chance.. my depression is kicking in and I do not wish to go to school.. much less participate in it when I do.



Is it sad right now I sit here, contemplating the meaning of companionship? The need for someone like yourself to live your life with... I wonder if I will ever get married one day... live happily with my new family knowing exactly what I am.. where I came from... who their real ancestors are... I do not care if I marry male or female... or any inbetween.. I will adopt children and be a single parent if I must.. I just wish to love someone... to have someone allow me to love them... I used to be so afraid of pregnancy.. so afraid of intimacy.. and now all I want is to bare a child when I am at the age of 25 and done with school.. I want to give this child the love I never got... even if I am alone in doing so. I believe I may have found what I needed though, to live out my future... in lack of better terms, happily... even if it means no children.



In other news.. I have been listening to "I know I'm a Wolf" by Young Heretics on repeat... I am in love with this song... it fits me. It honestly makes me feel ways I thought I would never feel again... Here have the link, listen for yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiSFPN37hhE



goodbye..

~Ren

It seems mom wishes this could be worked out with her boyfriend (ex boyfriend I do not fucking know) and if it can then I have to change (yes apparently it is all my fault) as an addition to the two reasons yesterday she also told me today that since I didn't put the dishes away he was pissed (had no idea mom even did dishes), and because I do not help out enough around the house (bullshit I totally do, I just don't when I have school work/commissions)... So basically we are hoping to be moved out by late/mid-december.. if at all ( I am now at wits end and WANT, to leave) and we don't have any place around here we could possibly afford at this point in time.. My mom has this thing being worked out with her friend (because he owns rentals) that he will buy a house a town over so my mom can rent it... but until then we may be staying at my grandmothers and fathers and I will NOT have internet.. I will have my phone and that is it.. (it has a date plan but only 2 gigs.. so I will be pretty fucking depressed without my internet.. since all my good friends are here). If my moms friend can't do that we would have to get rid of our pets.. which means we would not have internet or a dog or cat.. Just Ren, basic cable... and her phone.. I do not know how to feel.. I'm like trying really... really hard not to cry.. and I know I can never make the money I will need for food.. (we will be living on ramen and 60m rice, I wish I was exaggerating but with me not being able to get a job and my mom not making much it's going to be really hard). I am just really.. really stressed. I spilled my guts to a teacher at school today who seems to understand.. but I can not talk to mom without her blaming me for this... I would talk to my school counselor but my mom would probably get really really pissed... (she did last time)...

If I had someplace I could actually go I would be packed and out of here tomorrow.. but I couldn't afford an apartment if I wanted to... and I am not one of those artists that can just so miraculously make my apartment rent through art in a week.. so that's out.. But I just.. I just can't live like this.. I probably won't be eating much so if you hear me complain about hunger ignore me (I refuse to eat at the table with him right now, or even be near him, I get home and go straight to my room, I despise him). It doesn't help I can not focus on school right this.. I have actually considered dropping out.. I do not know what to do with myself right now but cry and try and pretend I am alright... put back on my mask and act like everything is normal while completely breaking down inside...