I miss Damien so much. Just waiting for him to land in Hong Kong so we can talk again.
I haven’t written here properly in a long time. There are a million things I’ve thought about and thousands I should have said. Tonight I’m writing here again because I’m in pain. I’m alternating between anger and tears. The anger is probably better. It probably makes me stronger. I’m having a war in my head. Logic versus emotion. Part of me wants Damien to get back so I can curl up with him and part of me wants to be on my own so I can... I don’t know. Scream? Cry? Cut? Curl up in a ball and think of nothing?
I want to cut right now. My head’s whispering “Go on. Do it. Just a little one.” but I’m fighting it. I’m using what I have with Damien to give me the strength to fight the urge. But it’s still hard. I know what it’s like, even after all this time. The slight scraping noise as the skin parts under the blade. The deep vivid colour as the blood wells up in the wound. The warm of it as it trickles and flows across my skin. The sudden calmness. The release. Non-cutters don’t get it. I guess it’s an addiction.
I’m cried tonight and I’ve been angry. I’ve laughed at the whole situation with Damien, Aph, CaptainLucy and WardrobeWitch. I’ve looked at it logically and I’ve being engulfed by the emotion of it all. I guess I laughed with them because part of me sees it for what it really is but I also laughed so they wouldn’t see how much it was hurting me. Once I was alone, the tears came and I let them. I’m sick of fighting the same battle over and over again. There are always different supporting troops but the real enemy is me.
Ellie is a stupid shallow little bitch who hides behind others and behind the anonymity of the internet. I know that. I know drama is never far away from her and I know she’s spread hate around. She’s pissed off my friends and she’s hurt them. She threatened to ruin Aph’s birthday and, if she had, there would have been hell to pay from us. She deleted her LJ last month after another drama incident but now she’s started a new one. And instead of trying to leave everything behind, she’s carried it with her.
She’s taken pictures of me and Aph from Damien’s FB profile and from my MySpace and posted them to a community on LJ. Then she insulted us and got others to do the same. Logically I know she’s trying to hurt us and get a rise from us. Aph pointed out that she’s attacked the most emotional members of the group and WardrobeWitch suggested that she was using us to get at Damien and CaptainLucy since she knows how they feel about us. She’s the sort that likes to stir up trouble. Logically I know all of this but my emotions are another matter.
What follows is the screen capture Vomit took of the community:
Aph is amused at being called a slimy barnacle.
Ellie posted these pictures without our permission and technically should be paying me for use of the modelling one since I own full rights to that set.
I don’t see what’s wrong with my purple falls. Everyone as Corni loves them and it’s not the first set to ever look like that.
I am not, nor did I ever claim to be, a cybergoth. I wear what I like.
I’ve done more than one or two photoshoots in my life. In fact there have been times I’ve done more than two in as many days.
I don’t wear falls for all my shoots. I often won’t have them in for months at a time. The first and second pictures were taken a month apart. I didn’t have a pair in during that gap.
I never claimed to be the biggest alt model ever. But I do have a fan base. Ellie has a hate group.
There’s a reason my name is Raven and it’s not just to be all dark and Goth. The same applies to Karloff.
I didn’t do my roots before that shoot because the photographer asked me not to. Similarly, he asked to do that particular set of shots.
And wtf is wrong with my eyebrows. Yes, they’re pencilled in. I’m not the only person in the world who does it. And my natural ones were so pale they didn’t show up very well on film.
Photoshopped? You could do the same in Paint. With one finger. While wearing a blindfold. You’re lacking in talent.
“because to be an alt model today you don’t have to be fit, good looking or talented”? This coming from someone whose picture looks like they were just reeled in from the sea on a hook? And being fit does not equate to stick thin. Oh and talented? What about that oh-so-famous mainstream model Jordan who got where she is by having huge fake breasts?
“Even plus size models work out and take care of themselves”? So exercising regularly isn’t working out? How about the fact I ride every week, I’m not adverse to walking places and I can walk a mile to a gym, do a strenuous 3+ hour workout and still walk back?
Fail whale? Die bitch. Go board the failboat and don’t forget to take a deep breath underwater when it sinks.
Hobbits? You’ll find they’re pirate costumes and it was an official theme.
Yes, I may sound like it’s not bothering me that much but it really is. It hurts to read that stuff, mainly because of how I feel about myself. I feel fat and ugly. I often think I look terrible in my outfits. Ellie has put me in a really bad place, made all the worse by the fact Damien and I will be apart for two weeks from tomorrow. There’s already bad stuff going on in my life. I didn’t need this to make me worse. Now I feel even more ugly than before. I feel incredibly undesirable and it’s really because the comments just reinforce my feelings about myself.
Damien pointed out that very few of the commenters have pictures of themselves as their avatars. I know most of them are cowards and just trying to make themselves feel bigger by attacking others. But knowing something as fact and convincing yourself of it are two very different things.
I have a mental illness. I don’t talk about it much. To be honest, I’m kind of ashamed of having it. I feel like I should be able to make it go away. I hate the fact I can’t conquer it yet. It has to be a case of yet. Damien makes me believe I can beat it. I’m talking about the depression. It’s such a horrible hateful illness and I do think it’s influencing my thoughts right now. I walked to the garage to buy H&H and to try and clear my head a little and all the food in there made me feel ill. I didn’t want to be near it. The idea of eating right now horrifies me. I don’t want to put anything in my body. My abdomen feels tight and it’s felt like my stomach has wanted to empty itself more than once. I know it’s all psychological but their comments along with my own hatred of my body make me want to never eat again. I need to get rid of that thought before it can take hold. I’ve been there before. I’ve starved my body of what it needs. I know it’s bad but the temptation is still there.
I hate this, all of this. I hate how pathetic she is. I hate how much this is hurting me.
Your result for The Four Elements Test...
Creativity, Intuition, and Knowledge
With water as your dominant nature, you are adept at working with your senses and are a highly creative individual. You are open to new ideas and think fast on your feet, always taking the well being of others into consideration when you make a decision. You are likely devoted to making things the best they can be, and your flexibility and impulsivity open you up to try anything just to learn and grow. Professions such as artists, writers, actors, advertising professionals generally share water as their dominant element, though other careers can incorporate this element into their field. You will bring abstract thinking and a natural sociability to your work.
Water elements are prone to being highly sociable. Even if they are introverted, they enjoy investing in relationships and take time to understand the people around them. Water personalities have a unique ability to remember people’s feelings, which enables them to avoid hurting others. A sense of wonder, openness to new ideas, and hunger to learn new things are all hallmarks of the water element, along with an appreciation for art, music, and beauty. In excess, however, their natural altruistic nature can lead them to become paranoid or too devoted to others to the point that they overlook their own well-being.
If you’re an extroverted water personality, try spending some time alone once in a while. It’s not a punishment! You’ll give your brain some time to recharge. Introverted water personalities, because of your desire to learn and intense curiosity, you might overload your brain. Introverted or extroverted, it’s important to give yourself time to relax and recharge. Read a book, practice meditation (become an observer of your surroundings and your thoughts), or go for a walk. Water personalities need peace to balance out their high energy nature.
No matter what, always continue to explore the world and share your sense of curiosity with others. Your thirst for new ideas, your desire to express your feelings, your creative approach to problems, and your ability to share emotional bonds with others makes you a remarkable and inspiring person.
What similarities do the other elements share with the Water Personality?
Based on the ranking of the other three elements, the following information might give you a clearer idea of which areas of the Water Personality are more prominent (for example: if Earth was your second-highest element, then the qualities that Water and Earth share might be more prominent in your personality).
Fire's Relation to Water ~ you are 26% Fire
- high emotional energy
- excitable
- deep thinker / daydreamer
Wind's Relation to Water ~ you are 40% Wind
- prefers possibilities
- open to new ideas and adventurous
- enjoys creative expression
Earth's Relation to Water ~ you are 38% Earth
- people-oriented and intuitive
- enjoys one-on-one company and listens well
- considerate / sensitive towards others' feelings
What are some of the differences between the Water Personality and the other elements?
If you felt as though some of the information about the Water Personality wasn't exactly like yourself, then here is some information about the other elements' energy levels, thinking patterns, and relationship styles that might appear in your personality.
Fire's Differences from Water ~ you are 26% Fire
- Fire prefers concrete facts and figures
- Fire has a structured belief / religious system and sticks to it
Wind's Differences from Water ~ you are 40% Wind
- Wind is relaxed and carefree
- Wind enjoys casual or open relationships
- Wind is emotionally stable or even apathetic
Earth's Differences from Water ~ you are 38% Earth
- Earth prefers to stick to real, hard facts and what can be sensed
- Earth is a calm and emotionally stable element
- Earth is traditional and conventional
And just if you're curious about the other elements, here are brief summaries:
Fire Personality - Energy, Strength, and Success
Fire is an excitable, high-energy element with an appreciation for concrete facts and logic when solving problems. They strive for success and to gain respect, and connect well with others on a level of thought.
Wind Personality - Playfulness, Spontaneity, and Excitement
Wind is an easy-going, low-emotional energy element with an openness to new ideas and abstract manner when solving problems. They enjoy free and casual relationships, and appreciate spontaneity, excitement, and variety.
Earth Personality - Stability, Compassion, and Practicality
Earth is an emotionally stable element with a great sense of practicality / logic when solving problems. They appreciate order and tradition, and are loyal / have compassion for others.
Take The Four Elements Test at HelloQuizzy
It's September. Where is this year going? It seems to be racing by. On the bright side, I've officially been with Damien for eight months now, my longest relationship ever, and we're still happy :)
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