A Tale Of Much Ranting18:48 Nov 14 2008
Times Read: 742
I’m not going to apologise for the length of this entry. You don’t have to read it but I need to write it.
My body aches all over. There’s stiffness in most of my joints and my right shoulder keeps making a popping noise as though it isn’t moving properly in the socket or possibly as if it isn’t properly lubricated with synovial fluid. I’ve hardly moved from my bed since I curled up here on Wednesday. I haven’t seen anyone since then and I’ve purposely been avoiding my flatmates. I’ve hardly spoken to anyone. Just Damien and Aph really. They’re the only ones I feel up to speaking to.
I’ve had so many supportive messages on LJ that it makes me feel like crying. I’ve never had so many people care about me before. And genuinely care, not just act like it. When I feel better I’ll thank them all. Their support means more than I can ever say. I know that sounds clichéd but it’s true. Right now I’m not really up to talking to a lot of people. Damien says I need to be at home with the people that love me and I know he’s correct. I want to be there more than anything right now. I’ve come so close to going to the airport and getting on the first available flight. The main factors stopping me are the money, the determination not to run away and my apparent inability to make it beyond my own room. If I overcome the last of that list, I don’t care about the consequences, I’m going home.
So many things are a mess right now; from my room to my mental state. The antidepressants don’t seem to be working at all this week but they definitely were previously. Apparently the ‘old me’ was starting to show again. To use that phrase favoured by parents, my room looks like a bomb went off. There are clothes and papers and books everywhere. If only there was a completely genetics assignment among them. It’s due in one week, next Friday, the same day Damien arrives. It seems so long until I see him again and yet nowhere near long enough to do a decent assignment.
Assignments really matter this year since my final year is worth 80% of my degree but at this moment of time I just can’t get excited about any of it, not even genetics which I have always loved. There’s so much work to be done. Assignments. Dissertation. Lectures. Extra reading. Background reading. Revision. Exams. Apparently our dissertation is due almost two months earlier than a lot of other universities’ and that’s not taking into account that we start a month later.
I wanted to get my own copy of a particular genetics book but, having looked at it on Amazon, I’ve since changed my mind. I refuse to pay £90 for one book. I’ve bought quite a few books for my personal collection recently but they aren’t exactly happy subject matter. There are two on suicide, one on accidents, one on cancer, two on love and hate, two on substance abuse, one on not fitting in, one on human cruelty and one on murder. Obviously those are just broad descriptions. My current reading material is on sleep disorders. Maybe I need to find something a bit happier to read at some point...
This is probably going to be a pretty disorganised entry but I just need to transfer this stuff from my head.
James is still a bastard and it annoys me to hear him talking to the Freshers the way he used to talk to me. We aren’t on speaking terms and act like each other doesn’t exist but I do get to take a perverse pleasure in the fact that he can’t seem to bear to be in the same room as me. If he’s in the kitchen watching TV when I go in to cook or wash up he’ll disappear off to his room. I don’t know why he sits in there to watch it anyway. He has his own television.
I swear he’s trying to drive me mad with his music though. For the past week he has played the same song repeatedly and keeps propping his bedroom door open while doing it. He and Philippa started a music war earlier in the week and it started to get on my nerves so I joined in. Apparently I automatically win due to my music generally being louder in it’s nature. Give me Grendel over The Killers any day.
He’s decorated the outside of his bedroom and included in that decoration is a sign about fighting the ban on fox hunting which I swear he put up just to annoy me. I don’t disagree with drag hunting but I do disagree with fox hunting. I can’t remember what I watched, it may have been Mock The Week, but part of it was about hunting being an absurd way of exterminating ‘vermin’. The comparison used was having a mouse in your house and they said you’d put down a trap for that, not get drunk, put on your best clothes and chase it around the house with a pack of cats. Very true.
I know I shouldn’t let him get to me but one day I am going to end up finding out if it’s possible to imprint someone’s face in a frying pan like they do in the cartoons. Apparently he’s pissed off a lot of people and isn’t speaking to Amy either. I saw his Facebook status one day and it said that he was the most hated person on campus and needed someone to talk to. Well he has only himself to blame for that and he did have me to talk to until he ruined it. This is something that I know I’m not to blame for.
Philippa has been annoying me lately as well. I’m sick of hearing about Sarah again. Sarah this and Sarah that. This is the same Sarah that had no sympathy last year when I was taken to hospital. I’m also sick of hearing about how she ‘needs a man’. Although I’m officially no longer single, I do sympathise. But I’m still sick of it. She keeps finding guys she likes but she’ll never do anything about it, just come and moan to me about how she likes them and wants them but won’t do anything. She’s fickle as well. I am so close to telling her current infatuation that she likes him, consequences be damned. If would be a fine thing if the worst of everyone’s problems were things like not having a boyfriend because you haven’t tried, rather than something like, say, having terminal cancer!
I’m really tired at the moment. I just seem to need to sleep a lot. I’ve found that it’s possible for me to wake up around lunch time and go to sleep again for the night at around tea time. With my medication, this shouldn’t be happening. My appetite is all over the place. Some days I’m hungry and other days I feel like I’ll be sick if I even try to eat. I made pasta last week and it took me four days to eat all of it. I’d planned for it to last me for two.
Why does it seem like so few people online have any concept of spelling and punctuation? I’m not asking for written masterpieces but is it so difficult to learn to spell basic words? I want to take over the world and put in place a new plan, one where people are required to take a test before being allowed online. I think it would go a long way to tidying up the internet. And it could definitely do with a thorough cleaning.
I’m sick of idiots online who don’t understand the difference between ‘model’ and ‘whore’. Just because I have provocative pictures of myself, doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you. The worst ones are the men from places like Turkey that torment me almost daily. They’re constantly asking to see me on webcam and it irritates me even more when their entire knowledge of the English language seems to consist of ‘sex’, ‘fuck’, ‘webcam’, ‘now’, ‘yes’ and ‘bosom’. If I could kill people over an internet connection there would be a lot of dead people out there. I’m not restricting it to men because I’ve had some bother from foreign women as well.
Believe me, I really appreciate the lovely compliments I get from people but there is a limit, a line which should not be crossed. And yet far too many people do cross it. I love seeing originality in compliments and comments from people. It makes me feel like they aren’t just a zombie sheep following the crowd. So people, take note. ‘Hello nurse’ is not an original comment when my main picture has me in a nurse’s outfit. A look through my profile comments will show that. Yes, some are from friends messing around but too large a number of people honest believe they’re being original.
Speaking of originality, my original Christmas present plans for the whole three people at uni I’m buying for were nixed when I started to add up prices so I had to change my plans. However, I have now bought the presents for them and for almost everyone I’m buying for. Damien keeps trying to guess what his is but I won’t tell him. He should like it though. I certainly hope he does. I hope Aph likes hers too. Part of it is a little silly but I’m hoping she likes all of it.
I know I’ve really been ranting tonight but ranting can make me angry enough to push back the depression for a while. There are still so many things I could talk about but I’m getting tired and I’m either going to curl up and sleep or force myself up and grab a shower. It might help my aching muscles. For some reason my right nipple is really sore as well. I don’t think that’s normal. Possibly more ranting to come later. I wish all the flatmates would go away for the weekend. I just want the flat to be quiet.
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