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I think I need to remind everyone that I don’t take drugs or drink alcohol. I’m a very descriptive and visual person so if I give a vivid but bizarre description of something, then that’s the way I saw it in my normal state. It is not alcohol or drug induced so please remember that.



Thanks for your time.

In the early hours of Monday morning I had a revelation. I was staring at the ceiling while waiting for someone to write a reply on messenger when everything suddenly went blue. All I could see was normal save for it being in different shades of blue. I felt like I was submerged in a lake of melancholy, staring up at the normal world through thousands of tainted tears. It was at that moment I realised the truth: I don’t need to save the world.



This was a fact I’ve known for sometime but it’s in my nature to want to fix things. I always want to make everything okay for everyone else. I make myself ill making sure my friends are okay. But I’ve come to the conclusion that friendships are fickle. I’m useful but I can be set aside until I’m needed in favour of spending time with others. The main reason for this is probably that I’m a good listener and a deep thinker but deep thoughts can take me to a dark place.



Happy friends don’t like the think of the dark place and they’re happier leaving me to battle my demons alone because they won’t get their hands dirty that way. They don’t realise, however, that each time they abandon me, they get a little more of my blood on their hands.



I’m fiercely loyal. It may take me a long time to trust someone but once they have my trust they can hurt me a thousand times over before I’ll take my trust back. Now, though, I realise that this needs to stop. I can’t keep breaking off bits of my soul to keep everyone else happy. People have crossed me before and regretted it but never the ones closest to me. But they’re going to feel my wrath this time. Next time someone abuses my friendship I’m going to abuse theirs right back. It won’t be pleasant but people need to know that I’m not their for them if they can’t be there for me.



Going back through documents recently I came across saying that I’m sure you’ve seen on the internet. They seemed appropriate so I thought I’d add them here.

I just wanted to talk. Why do you always shut me down? I was trying to ask for help but you left me in the Dark Place again.

I have rediscovered how much I like Ritz crackers. Yum.



I'm in a good mood today, still on a high from the conversation that lasted all of Thursday morning, and I'm going over to Philippa's for dinner tonight.



It's days like this I need, especially since I don't think the tablets work.

Yeah, that's me. But I'm about to write you an entry to explain why.

As of today, I will only be online for a minimal amount of time each day until my life is a little more organised. I have not yet started an assignment that is due on Friday and I can barely cope with lectures at the moment, nevermind life.



Mentally, I'm less stable than usual and I've got a big dilemma which has arisen due to two people in my life. It's all too confusing. I need a break.



I will check in here once each day so feel free to send me a message.



Catch you all later.



Raven