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I have nearly a month to report on but I haven't been able to face typing it all up. It's been a bad month for me. Really bad. Maybe I'll do a summary soon. It won't be on my own laptop though. It committed suicide.

I slept for a little while but the nightmares woke me again. They’re worst, each more violent and bloody than the last. Is it not enough that I have to watch my loved ones be killed every night? Do I need to be physically tortured while enduring that? Must I watch them chased by those monsters while a blowtorch is taken to my skin, searing my flesh off and leaving the stench in my nostrils after I’ve woken up? Why do I have to watch Damien die over and over again? Why does my mind come up with more horrific ways to kill him and torture me? Why?



I feel like something’s broken inside me. I don’t just mean the physical stabbing pain in my abdomen. I mean... I don’t know how to explain it. The darkness is here. The depression is winning. I just want to give up and sink into it. I want to let the darkness take me so I don’t have to keep fighting this battle.

The depression is bad right now and I'm sick of fighting it. I've lost interest in pretty much everything. I just want to give up. Most of my conversations, the few I bother holding, hold little attraction and I find myself imitating normal reactions again, the way I tend to when I'm feeling nothing.



I'm watching similarly afflicted friends improve and heal and yet I feel like I'm clinging on by my fingernails. Gripping a lifeline for all I'm worth but I'd gladly let go if I could. Damien wants me to live but maybe I should give him his freedom from me. Then he can find someone who deserves him.

Not that it's been a happy day for me.