A Suicide Letter That Could Fit Most Of Us
02:48 Feb 17 2008
Times Read: 764
This is Adam’s letter. The parts I’ve changed are in bold, otherwise it might as well have been my suicide note or anyone else’s.
To the man and woman who chose to conceive a child, the result of which was me, when it fit in with their five year plan;
To the teachers who never really cared, no matter what they say;
To my fellow geeks, dweebs, et. al., who will no doubt receive more abuse upon my passing, as my tormentors will no longer have me to kick around;
To my fellow students who made my life a living nightmare when they should have focused on their education;
To those who never cared, never spoke, probably never knew my name;
To the one true friend, whose caring was the only thing that prevented this even from happening sooner;
To the God, if he does exist, who chose to play a cruel, cruel joke on me when he placed me where he did and surrounded me with so many uncaring faces;
To all of you, goodbye.
I am leaving a world to which I never truly belonged or fit in. Do not weep for me, or mourn my passing. I say this not because I expect to be missed, but to allow those who truly did not care go on with their lives with a clean conscience and dry eyes. I know you don't want to weep for me. So don't. But I do ask you to listen to the final words of a young woman who has taken charge of her own destiny.
Perhaps my parents might feel something inside which causes them to shed tears. They may pretend that it's sorrow for their "loss", but I hope it is something else. Perhaps sorrow for bringing a child into this world when they really didn't have the time or desire to raise her. I wasn't the product of love, born of a desire to prepare another human being to grow and lead the human race. I was merely the next acquisition, the next task, the next project on their list of things that bring significance.
No child should be brought into this world for the mere purpose of being just another possession. I am not an asset to be cataloged and listed on your tax forms beside your house and car, or fought over during your divorce proceedings. I am a human being. I'm sorry that it took this to make you realize that. If you don't yet get it, then I'm even sorrier.
What about my teachers? Will they be sorry to see another student become a statistic? Certainly the administration and Lecturer Hall will mourn, as my death will not reflect well on them as an institution. Well, I apologize for making the statistics for your administration worse. But I don't expect an apology for the false sympathies of people like Mrs. Gray, and the broken promises of others like Mr. Moran.
As for my fellows students, those who made a more significant impact on my life, I know better than to expect my tormentors to mourn.
But if I’m going to address those who belittled me, I’d be remiss if I failed to include the guys in my life. I guess that’s not entirely accurate, as the ones I refer to fall in two basic categories: those who refused to be in my life, and those who I would rather have excluded from my life. In the former category, Ben, Scott, and dear Nathan, who turned me down when I asked him to the middle sixth formal, humiliating me while we were in Biology with I don’t know how many other classmates. In the latter category are too many to mention, though I must single out the two Michaels and Ronnie for their tremendous dedication to the cause of destroying any shred of self-esteem I might dare to foster. Why can’t you accept the things that make other people different rather than insisting everyone conforms to your will?
Sure, some did offer friendly gestures. Paul often would greet me and ask about my life. Not that I ever felt comfortable enough to tell her anything; I never trusted her enough to give her the chance. What was the purpose? Did you really give a flip about the shy, quiet kid who sat near you in fourth year English? Or was it all about creating an illusion that you care, just to guarantee my voting for you as a prefect.
I can only conceive of one person in this world who will truly be sad at my parting. D, a great friend, you talked me out of this decision three times before. You even talked me down when I had a bottle of pills ready to swallow. That is why I did not tell you anything this time, and why I do this in secret, alone. I wish you were coming with me on this great adventure, into the final frontier. Where ever I go, yours will be the one face I carry with me. The one soul I will miss. Yours is also the only forgiveness I ask and beg for as I depart from this life. I love you, and always will.
There’s another group I have not yet addressed: those not like me who left me alone. Or I should say ignored me. I appreciate your sparing me any further harassment, but your inaction, your withheld hellos and how are yous did more to hurt than any name calling. Your inaction effectively excluded me from student life, from the human race. You left me isolated and alone, and no words I could say can convey to you the suffering you caused. I could name names, but in doing so, I would do more now for you than you ever did for me in life.
I do not know if what awaits me at the end of this letter. Will there be a void? Or will I come face to face with God? I just don't care any more. If you're anything like your people, I wouldn't want to know you. You preached to love one another, yet I've felt everything except love from Christians. Even if I could know you were different, well, I still reject you. You have left your "followers" to treat people like me poorly. You have allowed so many of the people you "love", including me, to suffer. So you want me to trust you with my life? I don’t want to spend eternity with a careless deity like you, or with the company you keep.
As my final moments tick away, I wonder what impact these words will create. It depends first on this journal entry being found, as I doubt whether school administration will want such venom spoken publicly about their lack of caring. Still, the Internet is a remarkable place where even the least significant individual can be heard. Will anyone listen? Will anyone take action? Will students pause and pay attention to the hurting hearts around them? And even if they do, will it be a temporary salve for their egos, to convince themselves they’re really not bad people… or will real change happen?
My heart certainly goes out to my fellow outsiders. With me gone, some of you will certainly feel more of the pain and hurt that I did. No one understands you. No one cares how your day is going. No one bothers to get to know you as anything more than a nerd, a geek, a loser. You can do nothing for their social status, save the occasional boost to the ego they get from putting you in your place. Some of you, like Ems, will find outlets in writing. Some, like Joanne, will have an escape in art. Some, like Helen, will live their lives pursuing unicorns that they will never, ever catch. I never had a talent to lose myself in, or a dream or unicorn to chase for long enough to keep myself going, and so I have taken the path most dreaded. Some of you may soon join me, and I look forward to welcoming a brother or sister to the land where you will never suffer the loneliness and rejection that faces you now.
Farewell forever. I am going to another place. Where, I do not know. But logic dictates that it can only be an improvement. Perhaps my passing will only prove a footnote in a student intake book. Then again, perhaps the sacrifice of one might bring hope to others. If my death makes life for one person a little more bearable, or a little more enlightened, do I really die in vain?
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."
- N. J. Donnell
Singles Discrimination Day19:01 Feb 14 2008
Times Read: 788
Happy Singles Discrimination Day everyone. Okay, it's normally called Valentine's Day but it sucks when you're not in a relationship. Not that I'm ever in one for more than three weeks anyway. And my last one lasted 36 hours.
It might be a good idea to have one day in the year set aside to show how much you love someone but do you really need a national day to do that? Shouldn't you show the person throughout the year?
It's not even so much the idea that I'm against. It's, as with Christmas, the over-commercialistaion of the day. Do they really need to inflate the price of roses? Or sell you a box of overpriced chocolates that don't even taste nice? It may be good for the economy but it's sickening for singletons.
If you have to go out on February 14th, your senses will probably be assaulted by Valentine's overload. The run-up to the day is bad enough but the day itself is horrid. Everywhere you go couples are attempting to eat each other's tonsils while surrounded by life-size teddy bears, a field of red roses and enough chamagne to sink a Naval destroyer.
People seem to go mad with money at this time of year. With credit cards still cooling down after the Christmas spending spree, people let lose and indulge their loved one. A bit of indulgence isn't a bad thing but I don't think spending £200 on someone you've been dating for three weeks is such a great idea. Likewise, giving someone your last Rolo may be a really sweet idea but I've seen the madness on eBay at this time of year. People have paid three pound or more for a single Rolo. Think how much the seller must be making. All they have to do is spend around 45p on a packet of Rolos and sell each as the last one. They did it in my old school but at least they were only 20p.
I hated Valentine's Day in school. I was thankful in the final few years that we were off on the actual day but they still had the Valentine postal service the day before half term. It may have been for charity but I hated it. I couldn't wait until the end of the sixth period when the whole thing finished for another year.
The postal service was run by the sixth form and there were many options available. You could buy a singing valentine for someone, a last Rolo, a fake carnation and probably many other things that I blocked out.
I didn't mind the singing valentines because they sang Only You which starts with the words Looking from a window above and because it always embarrassed the person or persons that it was purchased for. Even the teachers got embarrassed when it was their turn. However, that was the only part of the whole thing that I didn't hate.
Throughout school I was an outsider. I was one of the freaks. I knew I couldn't be like them. I didn't like the same music, films or artists and I accepted that. But I couldn't accept myself. I still can't most of the time. I wasn't considered pretty in school. I was the fat kid that people laughed at. They ruined my self-esteem and it still exists in torn into pieces these days. People say I'm beautiful but I can't see what they see.
Today is another day of avoidance for me. I avoid going where couples might be and I avoided checking my post. I need to see if I've got new mail but I refused to do it today. The most exciting thing that might be there is something like a letter from the Student Loans Company but it's still something I need to check for. I chose not to go today because they would only think I was expecting something special and pity me when there was nothing. I'll check tomorrow when I won't be judged. I hate being judged.
On the topic of pity, I think we should remember the people, such as my friend Racheal, born on February 14th. I might have to deal with being asked if I was actually born on February 29th but they have to put up with something quite different. Imagine not being able to celebrate your birthday because all your friends are spending it with their other half. And imagine how other people would react. Think about this next time you're spending the day with your loved one.
Think also of the people who are alone. Maybe they can't be with their loved one or maybe they just aren't in a relationship. This could be by chance or by choice. But spare a though, also, for those that were in a relationship that finished on February 13th. It happens. Sometimes it's someone cruelly deciding they don't want to buy anything but sometimes it's just the way things work out. Think of these people when you're about to spent £35 for some roses that have been forced to be perfect for you.
You buy perfect roses for a perfect person but will you still be with them five years from now? Will you even know where they are? Will you remember their name? I suppose it depends on who ends the relationship. Maybe you'll suddenly think about whatstheirname that you dated for a while and wonder if their hair was blonde or brunette.
On the other hand you might remember everything that was ever said to you, every caring touch, every gentle caress and every contour of their body. That's hard on anyone. They say you either love someone or you never did and I think it's true whenever you'll let someone hurt you time and time again if you get to be with them for just a little while.
People always seem to hurt you in the end. Sometimes it's pure thoughtlessness and it's emotional pain. But what if you were in an abusive relationship. They can make it feel like everything is your fault. Some of them will hurt you mentally and emotionally but others do it physically. It's more obvious when they give you a black eye or cut your face but bruises and cuts on other body parts can be hidden. All you have to do to hide them might be to wear a long-sleeved top.
Then there's another thing to consider. What if you're clumsy like me? I'm forever walking into things. It's rare for me not to have a bruise somewhere on my body. But consider this senario. I don't always make the best choices so say I got into an abusive relationship and one day he punched me really hard on the collar bone/shoulder area. If I didn't want to tell anyone and said I walked into a door frame, would anyone question my words? People know how bad I am. They've seen me walk into door frames and bang my head by opening a cupboard door when standing too close to it. Would they know to help me? Would they save me? Would you?
That's just an example but there are people out there, living in that kind of relationship. You might live near them or work with them. Or they might be your best friend. So think carefully next time someone has an injury. Maybe it was an accident, maybe they did fall off a ladder or trip while carrying a jug of boiling water, or maybe they need help. They could end up dead if things turn bad. Don't let someone become a statistic by sitting back and doing nothing.
I'm getting very morbid now. Personally I could have happily killed some people last night. I had a lecture at nine this morning and they were making a lot of noise after the Valentine party at the bar. It was keeping me awake and I would have turned my room into a sniper's nest if I'd had a rifle. I had mental images of me sighting down the cross hairs at them and it was the only thing that kept me from screaming.
This was only intended to be a paragraph long but, as usual, once I started I found so many thing to say. Now I better go and find some things to say for my assignment. Happy V Day everyone. There's a film title I think you should bear in mind: V For Vendetta.
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