Well that's another year almost gone. And a decade since the panic about Y2K, the millennium bug and the end of the world. Hopefully 2010 will be a good year. Today is the one year anniversary for Damien and me. I may not know what the coming year may bring but at least I know I'm going to start it with the man I love.
Scars are strange things. They tell their own stories. People will judge you for them and judge you harshly if you made them yourself. They'll pity you if it was an accident or someone else made them but they struggle to understand the reasons behind you tearing your own flesh open.
We self-harmers, and former self-harmers, though we may never quite think of ourselves as recovered, have suffered and sought release. We hide our scars. People have trouble seeing us past the smooth white skin on our bodies. But some do see and think we're beautiful anyway.
We tend to cover the scars with clothing, long sleeves and scarves and socks pulled high. We make excuses but we still get the looks, those horrid, knowing, condescending looks. They make us ashamed of ourselves and our scars, ashamed of finding a way to deal with the pain and of hurting ourselves just so we can go on living for another day.
They create campaigns and support groups in an attempt to reduces the number of suicides. They say they want to reach out to those that hurt themselves. So why is it when a photographer choosing not to airbrush the scars on one of his models into non-existence for the outside world some of the people from said groups turn on him?Their comments included remarks on how she was very beautiful but the scars ruined her pictures. He responded in defence of his work and his model but his words fell on deaf ears.
We may hate them at times but our scars are part of us. They are daily reminders that we have made it this far, that, despite all the hard times and the pain we've endured, we are still here. So perhaps scars should not be a trophy as worn my so many confused teenagers for attention but, simultaneously, they should not be hidden just to appease the narrow-minded.
We are our scars and our flesh, our blood, our bones. We are our smiles and frowns, the laughs we don't supress and those we desperately try to. We are our talents and our flaws. And, scars or not, we are all human.
Okay so I suppose I really should do some sort of update. It won't be all inclusive but it'll be more than there is at the moment.
October finished with me heading to Whitby with Damien, Aph and CaptainLucy. We left the house at 6am on the 28th for an 8:30am flight and breakfasted at the airport after we got through security.
The flight was fine, we got our luggage quickly and caught the Metro to Newcastle station. It was mostly waiting and eating until we caught the train to Middlesbrough and then a bit more waiting there until the train for Whitby arrived. I love travelling by train. We saw dozens of pheasants near the tracks, plenty of livestock in the fields and, of course, I had my eye out for horses.
We arrived in Whitby around 3pm, got a taxi to our flat and then puzzled over how to get in as there was no front door. Thankfully there was one at the back. Along with a fairly useless parking space. Two rows of houses backed on to a alley. Others could get into their spaces because they didn't have one just wide enough for a car, with two high walls stopping any chance of swinging in.
We got ourselves settled, unpacked, watched TV and ate takeaway. Then we slept.
Most of the week was taken up by shopping. We generally paired off, with me and Damien going together. Obviously. We occasionally did stuff other than shop though.
On Thursday 29th, Damien and I hung out with some of his friends in the town and then spent part of the night with them in the resolution where there was a free gig going on. While there, I was reminded how useful it is to have breasts. He sent me up to get our drinks and the bar was pretty crowded. I literally got served right away though. Well the bartender had a choice of the dozens of men at the bar or a redhead wearing a corset and low-cut half shirt that's slowly unhooking itself. Score one for being female.
During the day we also met up with Megatron whose band was opening at the Spa the following night. Since he was a Whitby Virgin we showed him around. And scared him by showing him the stage.
Damien bought me a gorgeous black rose. It's amazing, just like him.
Friday 30th - more shopping and then to the Spa for the bands. We also met up with Orla and saw Vicki and some of her friends.
Saturday 31st - more of the same. Plus, Halloween! I carved the pumpkin for it.
Sunday 1st November - more shopping. Purchases included a pinstripe and red rose patterned satin waistcoat for Fran's Christmas present and a one of a kind PVC and metal corset for me. There were many others made during the week though.
Monday 2nd - shopping of course. And drinks with Vicki and others before they left (or was that on Sunday?). Lunch in the Shambles. No chicken for some reason.
Tuesday 3rd - the final day of shopping in Whitby and lunch in the Magpie cafe. Which, for some reason, does not do poultry. It sells fish, obviously, it is a coastal town, and other meats but not chicken. Weird.
Wednesday 4th - back to reality. We left Whitby on the 8:52am train, caught our connecting train at Middlesbrough and killed some time in Newcastle station. The others discussed times they'd fallen and done things to their teeth. I didn't want to tempt fate but it didn't matter. As well headed to the Metro I slipped and fell down concrete stairs. My backpack didn't help matters when it pulled me further off balance and then hit me in the back of the head as my forehead hit a step. There was much pain and bruising but we made it back home despite it and the rain. One thing that cheered me up on the return trip was seeing three wild deer sprint across a field and leap a ditch as we were taking off.
Anyway, that was Whitby for 2009. Roll on April 2010.
Riding during November and December has been interesting. We have a new instructor who teaches when Tom isn't there. She's a showjumper called Jo and is actually quite a good teacher. I've been alternating between Tula and Teddy. Tula is still skittish and I've gotten quite nervous riding her. Teddy has been an angel and will halt when I ask even if everyone else is bolting.
A few weeks ago they levelled the indoor surface with the tractor and left it sitting in there. It's presence upset the horses and they kept taking off and bucking. Sonia and Louise both came off. Teddy is really good for me right now because he is quiet when that happens. I've felt bad when I've tacked him up recently though. It's so cold in the mornings and he's been clipped so I feel guilty taking his rug off when it's time to ride. He still gets spoilt though.
Poor Maria has a cough. She's had it for about a month so they've taken her out of work. Hopefully she'll be better soon.
Monday nights are still gaming nights. It's Ravenloft (D&D) now. Wednesday night still means going to the bar. Saturday mornings are still for riding. And I still haven't got a job. I've tried to get a job in Dogalicious twice now. In July it was already taken an hour after I found out about it. Then last month I phoned and the immediate response was "What job?" After we established that they were looking for staff, I had a phone interview, emailed them my CV and never heard from them again.
Damien and I have been into town quite a few times. We got most of our joint Christmas shopping sorted in November and we went to the Continental Market a couple of times while it was there. He finally got to try a kangaroo burger and a bison one too. I'm not sure what he'll end up trying next year.
I also went around the Market with my mum, mostly to just spend some time with her. In 2010 I really must spend some more time with my family. I'm always with Damien these days.
Saturday 21st November was Cornucopia. The theme was Pretty In Pink/Prom so I suggested to Damien that we took the theme and twisted it. Some cutting and sewing later, I had two PVC prom outfits ready for us. He wants me to make even more stuff for him and is encouraging me to do it for the others that want it as well. Hopefully next year I'll have the confidence to believe I can do it. I already have the creativity.
I didn't use my journal here at all in November. That's weird. And literally the first time in years that I haven't written in it for a whole month.
December 5th - Mum and I went to see the pantomime at the Grand Opera House. This year it was Aladdin. It was funny and the 3D effects for the genie etc were actually quite good. I was impressed by them. Some of the costumes were amazing and I loved Jasmin's dresses. They were beautiful.
Monday 7th - Thyroid clinic hospital appointment. The appointment went well once we finally found the clinic. They're working on the hospital so you can't get in the usual way. We had to wait for ages to have blood taken though. About 45 minutes. The queue wasn't that long and I was in and out quickly so we can't figure out what was taking so long. Three months to the next appointment but I should be coming off my tablets soon for a trial period. They took my height and weight and I realised afterwards that their records will be irrelevant. I was wearing three inch platforms.
Saturday 12th - Cornucopia. No theme. I reached my goal of taking over 100 pictures. I seem to have become something of an unofficial photographer for the night.
Monday 14th - Psychiatric appointment. Another new doctor but this one wants to make sure I only see him and don't get messed around. He seemed good and Damien and I both liked him. It was a 9am appointment though so we headed to my parents' house afterward and curled up to sleep some more before getting lunch and going back into town to go around a few shops.
Sunday 20th - Snow! I made a snow cat at the cemetery for Granny and a snow car and snow woman on the Cavehill for Neil. I fell twice on the way back down from his tree, twisting my knee badly the second time, and I knew I'd never make it down the last hill on foot safely. My solution? Since I was bound to end up on it anyway, I got down on my bum and skied myself to the bottom. It worked and the snow was so compacted, I didn't even get wet.
Monday 21st - Yule. We celebrated with a party and ritual. I was in charge of the food and Damien was in charge of the ritual but we both helped each other out. They were like beasts trying to get at the table but they appreciated it and made their thanks known. After eating we had a game of Atmosfear and then prepared for our Saturnalia celebration. Our little group is growing. Now I'm just waiting to see if what I've seen will come to pass.
Wednesday 23rd - Damien and I went into town and then to my parents' house. Then he headed round to see Steven and Jan while I met Helen and Leanne for dinner. Then we both headed to the bar to see the usual SciFi lot. I got there just before he did but we were both too late. Everyone else had just left. We stayed for a drink and then walked around to the taxi rank to come home.
Thursday 24th - My tonsils, which have been sore since Sunday, were so swollen that they were touching. I resorted to taking painkillers just so swallowing would be bearable.
Friday 25th - Christmas Day. I spent the morning with Damien and then we both headed off to see our families at around 11am. Everyone liked their presents which I was glad about and David has asked me if I'll customise his Bettie Page shirt some more. Creativity bonus score. Most of my presents were books which is what I wanted anyway. There were one or two which I already had but that always happens with me. I have so many that people generally buy duplicates when trying to surprise me.
I've finally got a decent digital camera of my own. Everyone should be afraid. Mostly I've just taken pictures of the cats so far.
Mum bought David and me a giant Space Hopper each. I immediately pumped mine up and bounced up and down the hall until I had to stop because giggling was making me cough too much. I've been on it a few times since though. I love it. I need to convince David to get his out and race me.
Dinner was quiet but the food was nice. With painkillers I was able to eat it. I had been worried I wouldn't be able to. Fisho sat on one of the spare chairs during dinner and I saved him some turkey. The cats and Max all had chicken for their dinner.
Saturday 26th - a day spent reading and doing very little before returning to Damien's. He's still doing what he was when I started this entry - gaming. I think I've lost him to the XBox for the foreseeable future.
The coming week looks like it's going to be busy. I'm planning to go back up and see my mum at the start of the week, Adam and Lana are coming over tomorrow, Auntie Mary and I are going to the Retro shops one day, I've to see Davy at some point, it's Sophie's party on the 29th and Katherine's on the 30th and I've to fit in seeing my friends from school before some of them go away again. At this rate the last week of the year will be the busiest.
Got a couple of things from Fran's family:
A patterned black jewellery box - they know my colours
A blue leopard print scarf - pretty, and I did decide I need more blue things to wear
I'm sitting watching Damien play games on his new XBox 360 (and playing a bit myself) and I suddenly had a weird thought. What's it like to be a girl who doesn't understand gaming? To sit there and just not 'get it' when your boyfriend is killing people or achievement farming or playing the same level for the umpteenth time to get the last 1%? I haven't got a clue. Admittedly there are times when I feel like dragging Damien away from his games but that's another story. I've played games for as long as I can remember. I really can't figure out how 'normal' girls see it. Oh well, I guess I don't really want to anyway.
I've realised that I've changed. A year ago I was on the verge of killing myself. Everything seemed hopeless. Damien's changed that. I'm looking toward the future now. I know it probably sounds soppy but his love has begun to make me better. I realised that when I read old journal entries today. I cried when I remembered the pain of those days. Things aren't perfect now but sometimes they're pretty close. And when I'm curled up with his arms around me, I believe that it will all be okay.
I got a few presents from Davy this afternoon:
Kittens slimline calender
Packet of flying saucers
Tin of mints
Set of earrings
Green scented candle
Purple eye shimmer
The eye shimmer and earrings were wrapped in reversed Crunchie wrappers. Typical Davy, lol.
Just a summary of what I got for Christmas this year.
From My Parents
Old Shite's Almanac - A. Parody (book)
Donough O'Brien's Little book of Banana Skins (book)
Rant! (book)
Derek Acorah's Amazing Psychic Stories (book)
The Cat Who'll Live Forever - Peter Gethers (book)
Enter At A, Laughing - Brian McKeown (book)
The Big Book Of Excuses - Tracey Turner (book)
Cat Miracles - Brad Steiger and Sherry Hansen Steiger (book)
The Cat Who Came In From The Cold - Deric Longden (book)
One Dog At A Time - Pen Farthing (book)
I'm Dreaming Of A Shite Christmas - R. J. Clarke (book)
206 Bones - Kathy Reichs (book)
Mock The Week: This Year's Book (book)
Cake Wrecks - Jen Yates (book)
Nemi III - Lise Myhre (book)
Fantastic Feats and Ridiculous Records - Adam Philips (book)
12.2 Megapixel Samsung Digital Camera
4 Mg SD Card
Camera Case
Card Reader (SD)
Giant Space Hopper
Tin of Roses
Box of Toffifee
Box of Turkish Delight
Chocolate Buttons
Mini Rolos
M&Ms with 'Chef' Dispenser
Stocking Contents
Beaded Black Reindeer Ornament
Black Fishnet Gloves (Elbow Length)
Squishy Lion Ball
Magic Bean Seed Kit
Collapsable Wooden Cat
Enter The Matrix (PS2 Game)
The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers (PS2 Game)
Long Black Socks
Long Black Socks with Neon Tiger Stripes
Long Black Socks with Neon Skulls And Cross Bones
Camper Van Candle
Special Edition Chocolate Orange
Mini can of Sprite
Two bars of popping candy chocolate
3 giant Quality Street Chocolates
Thortons strawberry flavour fondant pig
From David
Mock The Week (book)
Pirate Boat Paper Animation Kit
Bagpuss Mug
The Mighty Boosh Live Future Sailors Tour Special Edition (DVD)
Freddy Got Fingered (DVD)
Box of Malteasers
From Auntie Mary
Ace Of Cakes - Duff Goldman and Willie Goldman (book)
60 Years of Badminton (DVD)
A Cat Called Norton - Peter Gethers (book)
Amazing Gracie - Dan Dye and Mark Beckloff (book)
Horsey Wit - Jane Brook (book)
A Steroid Hit The Earth - Martin Toseland (book)
From Fran
Custom-made Black Leather Baphomet Corset
From Lucy
Purple TUK Shoes
From Megan and Debbie
Trinket Box
Jewellery Tree
From Lana
Mini Liquid Eyeliners
12 Pots of Micro Glitter
Gingerbread
From Dawn
Black Notebook
Pencil
From Heather
Bead Necklace
4 Colour Eyeshadow Set
Sun Goddess Shower Gel
Cherry Blossom Bubble Bath
A Shortened Summary
22 Books
13 Things that can be consumed
6 Items of clothing
3 DVDs
3 Toys
3 Jewellery related items
3 Make-up items
2 Bathroom items
2 PS2 games
2 Stationery items
2 Make and do Kits
2 Ornaments
1 Mug
1 Camera with accessories
Two weeks to Christmas. A week and a half until we celebrate Yule and nothing is organised. And why didn't I write here in November?
COMMENTS
-