Three Days And A Thousand Thoughts01:05 Apr 14 2009
Times Read: 690
Three days to write up: Saturday, yesterday (Sunday) and today (Monday) and I really can't be bothered but I know I should.
Saturday
Saturday was my last day on the yard until June. Tula is still lame but the vet is coming out to see her this week. She came to meet me again when I went to tack up which was sweet.
I had to help Sonia catch Teddy. I think she's really lost her confidence around horses. She was asking me about uni and what I want to do when I graduate. I mentioned genetics and then had to try and explain what it was. How the hell do you explain genetics to someone who has never even heard of it without going into detailed explanations about DNA etc? I was somewhat flummoxed.
Tom was teaching us again and he's glad to be back. It was a nice small ride as well. Me, Megan, Kathy, Sonia and Milly. Just five of us. Although we did have one non-regular (Milly) who, to be brutally honest, was rather shite. She barely had Olga moving forward. As in, I could have halted for a minute and caught up with her in seconds at the pace she was going.
We did some flatwork and a bit of jumping. I've really lost my confidence jumping. Probably because I don't get to ride regularly at uni. Or at all actually. I haven't been near a horse once this year. Some equine degree this is. The jumping went fine but we weren't doing anything particularly large. Just a couple of cross-poles and a two-foot upright. I really shouldn't get nervous since I've jumped a four foot upright on a 13.3hh pony. Then again, I don't have the same connection with J.C. as I do with Tula and Teddy. I still think he's a lovely horse though.
J.C. was being used in the next ride so I handed him over, tried not to laugh when Milly's grandmother asked if Olga would mind having her picture taken and gave Tom a farewell hug. Then it was up to the barn to say goodbye to Tula. Who was lying flat out on her side with her head rested on a raised pile of hay. She looked so sweet. I wish I's had a camera with me to capture the moment.
Maria was lying down as well but she was sternally recumbent. Tula shifted into that position when I spoke to her but ate her carrots quite happily while lying down. Then she got up when I walked away to retrieve polos for her, presumably to see what else I had. I would have loved to have been sitting on her back when she stood up.
Farewells said to the horses and ponies in the middle barn, I headed down to say goodbye to Megan, Fred and Debbie. Megan and Kathy arrived back from their post-lesson hack with Fred dribbling foam everywhere. I got covered in it while feeding him a polo and ended up getting a tissue and wiping his mouth. Ciara was less enthusiastic about sharing her saliva with me.
While Megan mucked out I held Fred while he chowed down on hay and carrots. It was quite nice. I like to hand-graze them. It's... calming, relaxing... Or something like that. It was something I enjoyed being about to do with Tula when I had her on loan last summer.
After leaving the yard it was the usual Saturday routine for a few hours. Lunch. Home. Shower. Faff about achieving basically nothing for a while. Then back over to Damien's who was still with his own family.
Then there was the disaster about going out and then not being able to face it. So I watched Doctor Who which was alright. Although, the girl escaping in the flying bus at the end was a bit... meh. I'm looking forward to the next special though.
Short summary of the following few hours: Damien came back. I had a small breakdown. I showed him my entries here about the alt model's comments and F.e.b. and then he ended up skim reading the entries right back to the start of the year. Which was weird and a little embarrassing when I couldn't remember half the things I'd written. It's not as though he can't just come here and read it himself but I guess I never really expected him to.
He offered to stay with me rather than going to Jan's party. I said she'd kill me if I kept him back. I really wanted him to stay but people can't stop living their lives because of me. He said that he wouldn't be, that part of being in a relationship is being there for each other. I guess I've been in so many screwed up ones that I'm so used to giving and not getting anything in return. I got lucky this time. I said as much to Avalon last night.
Despite his worries, I sent him off to Jan's party, hoping that I wouldn't have to call him back. I was ridiculously restless. I didn't know what to do with myself. Cue a fairly major breakdown. Cue extreme paranoia about there being people waiting for me outside the house. Also cue an itchy leg which caused me to reopen a cut on my ankle and bleed all over the place. A cut resulting from stupid cheap razors. Finally, cue me panicking Damien a bit by texting him to warn him in case I'd bled anywhere and not cleaned it up. He worried I'd been cutting. God, I want to so much right now. I want to ease this ache inside. Nothing purely mental can do that.
Texts went back and forth for a while with him offering to come home and I finally admitted that the company would be nice. He got back really quickly and claims that me saying that is the closest he's ever got to me saying when I want something. He said a straight 'yes' would have pretty much had him out the front door without an explanation. What did I ever do to deserve to matter so much to someone so good?
Curling up next to him made things better. It's strange how in two years I went from a person who couldn't bare to be touched to someone who actually gets comfort from physical contact. Not from strangers. I don't think I'll ever be that kind of person.
Sunday
Sunday started around 3pm with a call from my mum to say she'd be over to get me at half past. The day was fairly uneventful. Dinner. My dad needing an explanation of how the twist salt worked. David feeling sick. Fisho sitting on my lap eating turkey from a fork. Spotty coming over twice. Creaky Bones giving me £10 and egg for easter. Dessert. Internet. My dad moaning about me watching Air Crash Investigation again. Boredom. Etc. Etc. Just an average day.
I had a chat with Barry about feeling guilty about Damien coming home early. I know I shoudn't feel bad about it but I can't help it. I'm programmed to keep a low profile and stay out of everyone's way.
Monday
Generally another day of boredom. Got up. Read a book. Went online. Played ball with Max. He had fun and made me giggle. Rubbed a potato over my finger. Apparently it will get rid of the growth. Changed my hair colour. It's now fushia pink. Hopefully it will help to improve my mood. I've noticed I seem to be down more if my hair is especially dull or faded. Came back over to Damien's. Watched Red Dwarf: Back To Earth. It wasn't too bad. Now writing this. God I'm so bloody boring.
I've been thinking about things a lot. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I can't escape the thoughts. I'm not sure if they're so dark at the moment because I'm going back to uni in a few days and I really don't want to. Especially since there is the potential for Damien and me to not see each other until mid-June.
I'm not going to go into detail about everything I've been thinking about. There's too much and some of it is really too personal to say. I've been contemplating relationships though. I'm now officially in my second longest but I was wondering if my longest really counts. We were very young, early teens, and it was all very innocent. Mostly us hanging out while with our other friends. Seven months of mostly that, does it really count?
I've been thinking about sleeping with someone too. I'm not about to talk about sex. I'm mean literally sleeping with them. I definately find it a lot easier to sleep when I'm curled up next to Damien than when I'm alone. And it's not just his bed. I don't rest so easily when I'm alone in it. I used to hate the company of others and adore being by myself. Now I'm not sure. I'm not exactly fond of being alone right now but I'm not sure I want to be around others either.
I want to run and run and keep going. I want to escape and not look back. I want to be free. I don't want to keep on breathing. This isn't normal. Normal people don't wake up disappointed that they're still alive. Does Damien know how bad I am right now? Does anyone? I thought I was better than this but I guess I was wrong.
I keep thinking about running away. I could disappear and, at least at first, my family would probably be at Damien's and vice versa. I'm sure he'd probably check on me if I was offline for a day or two and I feel honoured that he gives his time to me. It's just... I don't know if I can keep on doing this. I don't want to have to keep fighting. I'm not living for myself anymore. I'm living for him. If I die he'll be sad. He says he'd blame himself. I want him to be happy so, by god, I'll suffer and go through hell if I can make him happy in the process.
COMMENTS
-