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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."



Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."



Her boyfriend decided to go over and help her with the puzzle.



She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studied the pieces for a moment and looked at the box, then, turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."



He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...," he sighed,



"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.



As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.



"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.



"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."



"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.



"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.



"It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.



Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.



Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.



So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:



1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

A very old man, Mr. Stewart, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.



One day he appeared to be very sad. Nurse Gayle asked if there was anything wrong.



"Yes," said Mr. Stewart, "my Private Part died today."



Knowing her patients were forgetful and often confused, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Stewart, please accept my condolences."



The following morning, Mr. Stewart was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas when he met Nurse Gayle.



"Mr. Stewart," she said, "you can't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."



Mr. Stewart replied, "Didn't I tell you yesterday that my Private Part died?"



"Yes, you did tell me that, but what does that have to do with it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Gayle.



"Well," he replied, "today's the viewing.

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.



"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"



"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."



About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.



"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.



"I took your advice."



"Didn't you compliment her?"



"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that, too."



"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.



"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it don't stink much."

Its been a crazy emotional day. I was so pissed early for several reasons. The internet and cable were both not working right. Comcast (SUCKS) was giving me the run around. When I get really angry and feel like it is out of my control I cry which I hate. Well the internet has been working a little better and I put the first season of the Muppet Show in the DVD player. Now I am giggling and have a good time. Kind of crazy!



The cable guy just left. It may sound crazy but I would date him, if he asked. He's nice and good looking in a redneck sort of way.

***Disclaimer*** This post is going to be a rant and pity party. If you don't want to know or don't care, don't read it!



Starting now.....

I do not understand why people think that I owe them so much. What about what people should owe me? I give of myself until I have nothing left to give and all I get is people wanting more. I am tired of it. I don't have to support or save the world. I DONE! As of now, I don't give a fuck if you are going to have to live in a box under 635, its not my job to take care of you. Its not my job to support you and your child. So you've been fucked over by men, well guess what, who hasn't?!?!?! You gave one man the best years of your life. Not MY fucking problem. All I have got to say is get your shit together and get out. You will NOT make my life difficult. And I will NOT feel guilty because you have no place to go. You are a grown woman, take care of yourself. Its not everyone elses job to take care of you. You treat everyone like shit and you have a chip on your shoulder and you wonder why you are alone. You are going to push your son away. Is that what you want???



And you! Yes you may have Fibro but that doesn't mean its your daughters fault and it doesn't mean that she has to wait on you hand and foot. It would be one thing if you picked up after yourself and weren't such a slob, but don't blame the fact that your house is trashed on anyone but yourself. I can look around and all I see is YOUR mess. Get off your lazy fucking ass and put shit in the trash, put your dishes in the sink and put your shit away. Don't trash the house and wonder why your daughter hasn't cleaned up your messes. She's 16 years old. She needs to be a kid. Not your slave, your keeper, your maid or your breadwinner. You also wonder why your husband doesn't want you. You treat him like shit also. He works his ass off so that you don't have to work and all you can do is bitch and be nasty. Get a clue.