>> >>>
> >> >>>Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
> >> >>>and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
> >> >>>groceries.
> >> >>>
> >> >>>Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
> >> >>>up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
> >> >>>head.
> >> >>>
> >> >>>One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
> >> >>>and
> >> >>>walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,
> >> >>>and
> >> >>>she
> >> >>>looked very strange.&nbs p; He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
> >> >>>that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
> >> >>>brains in for over an hour.
> >> >>>
> >> >>>The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
> >> >>>doors
> >> >>>were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When
> >> >>>they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
> >> >>>the back of her head.
> >> >>>
> >> >>>A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
> >> >>>noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
> >> >>>back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she
> >> >>>felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
> >> >>>out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in
> >> >>>for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
> >> >>>
> >> >>>Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
> >> >>>
>> > A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
>> >
>> > When behind him he hears:
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
>> image
>> > of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
>> > toward him.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
>> > quickly behind him
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> FASTER...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > FASTER...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
>> > in, slams and locks the door behind him.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
>> casket
>> > clapping
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Clappity-BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Clappity-BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Clappity-BUMP...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > On his heels, the terrified man runs.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
>> is
>> > pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Bumping and clapping toward him.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The man screams and reaches for something, anything, But all he can
>> find
>> > is a bottle of cough syrup!
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> And,
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The coffin stops
> An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to
> > dress up and go out.
> >
> > The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon
> > between her legs.
> >
> > When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
> >
> > She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
> >
> > Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked
with a
> > potato tied to his tallywhacker.
> >
> > The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
> >
> > And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a
> > dick-tator.
>For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
>Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage,
>WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get
>a little sausage.
>
>Men are like....
>
>1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
>2. Men are like.Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they
>are.
>3. Men are like .....Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
>4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
>5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
>head right for your hips.
>6. Men are like .. Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
>7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
>8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to
>mature.
>9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of
>emotion.
>10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little
>while.
>11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how
>many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
>12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very
>bright.
>13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are
>handicapped.
>
>
>
>
>You Got Served!
>
>
>
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
> >>
> >> the following reasons:
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 1-------- I do physical labor.
> >>
> >> 2.------- I work at great depths.
> >>
> >> 3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
> >>
> >> 4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> >>
> >> 5.--------I work in a damp environment.
> >>
> >> 6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
> >>
> >> 7.------- I work in high temperatures.
> >>
> >> 8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Reply: Dear Penis,
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have
> >>
> >>raised, the management denies your request for the following > >>reasons:
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
> >>
> >> 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
> >>
> >> brief work period.
> >>
> >> 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> >>
> >> 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting
> >>
> >>other locations.
> >>
> >> 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated
>
> >> in
> >>
> >>order to start working.
> >>
> >> 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> >>
> >> 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
> >> wearing
> >>
> >>the correct protective clothing.
> >>
> >> 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
> >>
> >> 9. You are unable to work double shifts.
> >>
> >> 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
> >>
> >>completed the assigned task.
> >>
> >>11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering
and
> >>
> >>exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious
> >>
> >> looking bags.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Sincerely, The Management
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Five reasons not to be a penis .
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 1. You're bald your whole life.
> >>
> >> 2. You have a hole in your head.
> >>
> >> 3. Your neighbors are nuts.
> >>
> >> 4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
> >>
> >> 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
Boy this hit the nail on the head.............
>Someone else besides me finally said it.
>How many are actually paying attention to this?
>
> There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian
>Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. And then there
>are
>just Americans.
>
> You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
>You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and
>that's OK.
>
> But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, camel
>Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.
>
>
> You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,
>so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
>
> You have the United Negro College Fund.
> You have Martin Luther King Day.
> You have Black History Month.
> You have Cesar Chavez Day.
> You have Yom Hashoah
> You have Ma'uled
>Al-Nabi
> You have the NAACP.
> You have BET.
>
> If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.
> If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
> If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
> If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" our lives,
>we'd be racists.
>
>
> We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of
>Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who
>pays for
>that?
>
> If we had a college fund that only gave white students
>scholarships, you know we'd be racists.
>There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the
>US, yet if
>there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.
>
> In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for
>your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call
>us racists.
>
>
> You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not
>afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us
>racists.
>
> You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
>But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up
>a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society,
>you call him a
>
>racist.
>
> I am proud. But, you call me a racist.
>
> Why is it that only whites can be racists?
You know you are too old to
Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking
on the door.
9. ! ; You have to have another kid
chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy
only.
7. When someone drops a candy
bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ...." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have
a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a
&nbs p; costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in
the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors
should not go Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN
anyway.
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
>Pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
>He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the
>same glass twice."
>
>An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
>Glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to
>pieces.
>
>
>He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
>need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
>
>
>The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and Drinks it,
>throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
>Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
>
>He says, "In America we have so many illegal Aliens that we don't
>Have to drink with the same ones twice.
A little boy and girl go trick or treating.
They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says,
"Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you suppose to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black.
Heads hung low, they leave.
Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.
This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.
"Ch ocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."
>> EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE YOUR CHILDREN READ IT TOO!
>>
>> After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get
>> on-line . She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her
>> Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
>> ByAngel213:
>> Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today.
>> It was really weird!
>> GoTo123:
>> LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you?
>> Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
>> ByAngel213:
>> Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't ! see
>> Anybody when I looked out.
>> GoTo123:
>> Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?
>> ByAngel213:
>> Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
>> GoTo123:
>> Did you have a softball game after school today?
>> ByAngel213:
>> Yes and we won!!
>> GoTo123:
>> That's great! Who did you play?
>> ByAngel213:
>> We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like
>> bees. LOL
>> GoTo123:
>> What is your team called?
>> ByAngel213:
>> We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are
>> really cool.
>> GoTo123:
>> Did you pitch?
>> ByAngel213:
>> No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my
>> parents get home.
>> I don't want them mad at me. Bye!
>> GoTo123:
>> Catch ! you later. Bye
>> Meanwhile......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for
>> her profile. Wh en it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He
>> took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.
>> Her name: Shannon
>> Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
>> Age: 13
>> State where she lived: North Carolina
>> Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this
>> information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him
>> He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her
>> parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday
>> afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats.
>> Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the
>> eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this
>> in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find
>> her now.
>> Shan non didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from
>> the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her
>> from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always
>> overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an
>> only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't
>> be so overprotective.
>> By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.
>> Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her.
>> It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second
>> base position to see a man watching her closely.
>> He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she
>> looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden
>> fear she had felt.
>> After the game, he sat on a bl eacher while she talked to the coach. She
>> noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she
>> smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had
>> found her.
>> Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks
>> to Shannon's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to
>> the park to get his car.
>> Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came
>> to go to Shannon's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat
>> there until time to make his move.
>> Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the
>> living room.
>> "Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she
>> couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the
>> ballpark sitting on the sofa.
>> "Sit d own," her father began, "this man has just told us a most
>> interesting story about you."
>> Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never
>> seen him before today!
>> "Do you know who I am, Shannon ?" the man asked.
>> "No," Shannon answered.
>> "I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."
>> Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14.
>> And he lives in Michigan!"
>> The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see,
>> Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of
>> them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a
>> group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to
>> find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You
>> told me enough about yourself to mak e it easy for me to find you. You
>> named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position
>> you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a
>> breeze."
>> Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan?"
>> He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was
>> so far away, didn't it?"
>> She nodded.
>> "I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky.
>> The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are
>> taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the
>> time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a
>> little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them
>> enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I
>> hope you've learned a lesson fro m this and won't do it again. Tell others
>> about this so they will be safe too?"
>> "It's a promise!"
>> That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and
>> thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic
>> situation.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes.
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping"
around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! Happy Thanksgiving!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
>>>toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
>>>said,"Grandma,
>>>how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
>>>
>>>Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
>>>and
>>>watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
>>>comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
>>>
>>>Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
>>>adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she!
>>>started
>>>hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>>>
>>>The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
>>>door,and
>>>there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your
>>>Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin'
>>> her
>>>boyfriend."
>>>
>>>The minister fainted
>
> There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
Toys.
> The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at
The
> Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to
Rant
> about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
Whole
> line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
> march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
Up
> that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really
> beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
> Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
Marbles.
> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
It
> around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
> Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
Hysterics
> he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
>
> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
Think
> you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is
To
> give Elmo two test tickles.
>
Last week I was in Atlanta, Georgia attending a
> conference. While I was
> in the airport, returning home, I heard several
> people behind me
> beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned
> around and witnessed
> one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever
> seen.
>
> Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in
> their camo's, as
> they began heading to their gate everyone (well
> almost everyone) was
> abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and
> cheering. When I saw
> the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being
> applauded and cheered for it
> hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded
> American who still
> loves this country and supports our troops and their families.
>
> Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping
> for these young
> unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the
> line everyday for us so
> we can go to school, work and home without fear or
> reprisal. Just when I
> thought I could not be more proud of my country or
> of our service men
> and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years
> old, ran up to one of
> the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi,"
> the little girl then
> she asked him if he would give something to her
> daddy for her. The young
> soldier, he didn't look any older than maybe 22,
> said he would try and
> what did she want to give to her daddy. Then
> suddenly the little girl
> grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the
> biggest hug she could
> muster and then kissed him on the cheek.
>
> The mother of the little girl, who said her
> daughters name was Courtney,
> told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine
> and had been in
> Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining
> how much her daughter,
> Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began
> to tear up.
>
> When this temporarily single mom was done explaining
> her situation, all
> of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second.
> Then one of the
> other servicemen pulled out a military looking
> walkie-talkie. They
> started playing with the device and talking back and
> forth on it.
>
> After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier
> walked back over to
> Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke
> to your daddy and he
> told me to give this to you." He then hugged this
> little girl that he
> had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He
> finished by saying
> "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you
> more than anything and
> he is coming home very soon."
>
> The mom at this point was crying almost
> uncontrollably and as the young
> soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and
> her mom. I was
> standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire
> event unfolded. As
> the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their
> gate, people resumed
> their applause. As I stood there applauding and
> looked around, there
> were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young
> soldier in one last
> act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss
> to Courtney with a
> tear rolling down his cheek.
>
> We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and
> their families and
> thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end
> of the day, it's
> good to be an American.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments, Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but i t will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp. After paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John then quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!!
Any Questions?
25. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
>
> 24. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
>
> 23. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
>
> 22. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
>
> 21. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
>
> 20. You watch the Weather Channel.
>
> 19. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
>
> 18. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
>
> 17. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
>
> 16. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
> won't turn down the stereo.
>
> 15. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
>
> 14. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
>
> 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
>
> 12. Y ou feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
>
> 11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
>
> 10. You take naps.
>
> 9. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
>
> 8. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
> than settle, your stomach.
>
> 7. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
> pregnancy tests.
>
> 6. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
>
> 5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
>
> 4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
> drink that much again."
>
> 3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
>
> 2. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
> instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
>
>
> And the number one sign you are getting old is:
>
>
> 1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
> doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then
> you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy
> it.
>
> Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the
> seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was
> out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She
> came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
> she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
> not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About
> that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
>
> They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, In
> desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet
> around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.
> The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
> her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying
> "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".
>
> The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one
> FRAMED before.
The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore from Alabama . Judge Moore was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Com mandments in his courtroom foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and now they are trying to strip his right to practice law in Alabama The judge's poem sums it up quite well.
America the Beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.
Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.
Our children wander aimlessly
pois oned by cocaine,
Choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain.
From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.
We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.
We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges
who throw reason out the door,
Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.
You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?
How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?
If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:
Then God will hear from Heaven
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.
But, America the Beautiful,
if you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.
~Judge Roy Moore
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry
because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you
love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute
of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~
Please read until the end.
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until
the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my
college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every
human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their
reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello
anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I
went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden
everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... An overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside
of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there
standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for
acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I
realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman
was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If
they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something.
He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and
embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my
every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more
breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a
resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed
gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you.
God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat
down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me,
Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of
the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in
hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being
part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son,
instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I
spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this
and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
If you think this story has touched you in any way, please send this to
everyone you know.
There is an Angel sent to watch over you.
In order for h im to work, you must pass this on to the people you want
watched over.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will
leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Keep this going
_________________________________________________________________
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.
When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.
Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at
him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
McDonalds, Chuck E Cheese, Discovery Zone... Some of you might not be
>parents, but you may have nieces, nephews, grandchildren or friends with
>children. This will pertain to you too. As I read the following, my heart
>sank. I urge each and every one of you to pass this on to as many people as
>you can. I cannot stress how important this is!
>
>This is very disturbing news. In addition to the following true story...
>
>One son lost his watch, and was very upset. We dug and dug in those balls,
>trying to find the watch.
>
>Instead, we found vomit, food, feces, and other stuff I do not want to
>discuss. I went to the manager and raised hell. Come to find out, the ball
>pit is only cleaned out once a month. I have doubts that it is even done
>that often. My kids will never play in another ball pit. Now read this:
>
>PRETTY SCARY!!
>
>Hi. My name is Lauren Archer, my son Kevin and I lived in Midland,TN. On
>October 2nd, 1999 I took my only son to McDonald's for his 3rd birthday.
>
>After he finished lunch, I allowed him to play in the ball pit. When he
>started whining later on, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to the back
>of his pull-up and simply said "Mommy, it hurts." I couldn't find anything
>wrong with him at that time. I bathed him when we got home, and it was at
>that point when I found a welt on his left buttock. Upon investigating, it
>seemed as if there was something like a splinter under the welt. I made an
>appointment to see the doctor the next day, but soon
>
>he started vomiting and shaking, then his eyes rolled back into his
>
>head.
>
>From there, we went to the emergency room. He died later that night. It
>turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle
>that had broken off inside. The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a
>heroine overdose. The next week, the police removed the balls from the ball
>pit. There was rotten food, several hypodermic needles: some full, some
>used; knives, half-eaten candy, diapers, feces, and the stench of urine.
>
>If a child is not safe in a child's play area then where? You can find the
>article on Kevin Archer in the October 10,1999 issue of the Midland
>Chronicle.
>
>Please forward this to all loving mothers, fathers and anyone who loves and
>cares for children!
>
>Don't think it's just McDonald's either or that this is something that just
>started. When my oldest son who is now 9 was small the area Burger King
>closed their play area for awhile for "remodeling" because in another town
>there had been an incident similar to the one described above that happen @
>a Burger King.
>
>A little boy had been playing in a ball pit & started complaining of his
>legs hurting. He later died too. He was found to have snake bites all over
>his legs & buttocks. When they cleaned the ball pit they found that there
>was a copperhead nest in the ball pit. He had suffered numerous bites from a
>very poisonous snake.
>
>Repost this if it scares the shit out of you! Repost this if you care about
>our kids!!!
>
>AND FYI:
>
>In Florida and other places on the East Coast a group of people are putting
>HIV/AIDS infected and filled needles underneath gas pump handles, so when
>someone reaches to pick it up and put gas in their car, they get stabbed
>with it. 16 people have been a victim of this crime so far and 10 tested HIV
>positive. Instead of posting that stupid crap about how your love life will
>suck for years to come of you don't re-post, post this. It's important to
>inform people, even if you don't drive, a family member might, and what if
>they were next? CHECK UNDER THE HANDLE BEFORE YOU GRAB IT!!! IT MIGHT SAVE
>YOUR LIFE! Tell as many people as you can about this serious issue, Repost
>with the title: ***IMPORTANT NEWS***
VERY INTERESTING-
1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq .
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq .
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq .
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq .
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel .
10. Amos cried out in Iraq !
11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem .
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq !
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.
16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq .
17. The wise men were from Iraq
18. Peter preached in Iraq .
19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in Iraq!
And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq ! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible . The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia . The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers . The name Iraq , means country with deep roots.
Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.
No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq .
And also, this is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages...
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)
Koran (9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!
A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I
live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't
carry this stuff."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
I was walking around in a store. I saw a
> > >> > cashier hand this little boy his money back saying
> > >> > "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to
> > >> > buy this doll."
> > >> >
> > >> > Then the little boy turned to the old woman
> > >> > next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't
> > >> > have enough money?''
> > >> >
> > >> > The old lady replied: ''You know that you
> > >> > don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
> > >> >
> > >> > Then she asked him to stay there for 5
> > >> > minutes while she went to look around. She
> > >> > left quickly.
> > >> >
> > >> > The little boy was still holding the doll in
> > >> > his hand.
> > >> >
> > >> > Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him
> > >> > who he wished to give this doll to.
> > >> >
> > >> > "It's the doll that my sister loved most and
> > >> > wanted so much for this Christmas. She was so
> > >> > sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."
> > >> >
> > >> > I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will
> > >> > bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
> > >> >
> > >> > But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus
> > >> > can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to
> > >> > give the doll to my Mommy so that she can give
> > >> > it to my sister when she goes there."
> > >> >
> > >> > His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My
> > >> > sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that
> > >> > Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I
> > >> > thought that she could take the doll with her to
> > >> > give it to my sister.''
> > >> >
> > >> > My heart nearly stopped.
> > >> >
> > >> > The little boy looked up at me and said: "I
> > >> > told daddy to tell Mommy not to go yet. I need her
> > >> > to wait until I come back from the m all."
> > >> >
> > >> > Then he showed me a very nice photo of him
> > >> > where he was laughing. He then told me "I want Mommy
> > >> > to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> > "I love my Mommy and I wish she doesn't have
> > >> > to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go
> > >> > to be with my little sister."
> > >> >
> > >> > Then he looked again at the doll with sad
> > >> > eyes, very quietly.
> > >> >
> > >> > I quickly reached for my wallet and said to
> > >> > the boy. "What if we checked again, just in
> > >> > case you do have enough money?''
> > >> >
> > >> > "OK" he said "I hope that I have enough." I
> > >> > added some of my money to his without him seeing and
> > >> > we started to count it. There was enough for the
> > >> > doll and even some spare money.
> > >> >
> > >> > The little boy said: "Thank you God for
> > >> > giving me enough money!"
> > >> >
> > >> > Then he looked at me and added "I asked
> > >> > yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have
> > >> > enough money to buy this doll so that Mommy can give
> > >> > it to my sister. He heard me!''
> > >> >
> > >> > "I also wanted to have enough money to buy a
> > >> > white rose for my Mommy, but I didn't dare to ask
> > >> > God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the
> > >> > doll and a white rose.''
> > >> >
> > >> > "My Mommy loves white roses."
> > >> >
> > >> > A few minutes later, the old lady came again
> > >> > and I left with my basket.
> > >> >
> > >> > I finished my shopping in a totally
> > >> > different state from when I started. I
> > >> > couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
> > >> >
> > >> > Then I remembered a local newspaper article
> > >> > 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in
> > >> > a truck, who hit a car, where there was one young lady and a
> > >> > little girl.
> > >> >
> > >> > The little girl died right away, and the
> > >> > mother was left in a critical state. The family had
> > >> > to decide whether to pull the plug on the
> > >> > life-assisting machine, because the young lady
> > >> > would not be able to recover from the coma.
> > >> >
> > >> > Was this the family of the little boy?
> > >> >
> > >> > Two days after this encounter with the
> > >> > little boy, I read in the newspaper that the
> > >> > young lady had passed away.
> > >> >
> > >> > I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch
> > >> > of white roses and I went to the funeral home where
> > >> > the body of the young woman was exposed for people
> > >> > to see and make last wishes before burial.
> > >> >
> > >> > She was there, in her coffin, holding a
> > >> > beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of
> > >> > the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
> > >> >
> > >> > I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that
> > >> > my life had been changed forever. The love that this
> > >> > little boy had for his mother and his sister is
> > >> > still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a
> > >> > fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all
> > >> > this away from him.
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> > The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
> > >> >
> > >> > "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of
> > >> > control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms
> > >> > tearing up the country from one end to another, and
> > >> > with the threat of bird flu and terrorist
> > >> > attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God
> > >> > out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
> > >> >
> > >> > For those that prefer to think that God is
> > >> > not watching over us....go ahead and don't believe.
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> > Have a blessed day!
> > >> >
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon??
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be And I shall eat dessert every single day
Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using
> a bowl of Lifesavers.
>
> The children began to say:
>
> "Red............cherry,"
> "Yellow........lemon,"
> "Green.........lime,"
> "Orange.......orange,"
>
> Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
>
> After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
>
> "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may
> sometimes call your father."
>
> One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:
>
> "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!
>
In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared
down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of
terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled
with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of
determination. Like any parent, she wanted her
son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now
that was no longer possible..
The leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took
her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever
think about what you wanted to be once you grew
up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do
with your life?"
Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."
Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can
make your wish come true."
Later that day she went to her local fire
department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix .
She explained her son's final wish and asked if
it might be possible to give her six-year-old son
a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than
that. If you'll have your son ready at seven
o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an
honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come
down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on
all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if
you'll give us ! his sizes, we'll get a real fire
uniform for him, with a real fire hat-not a toy
one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire
Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear
and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right
here in Phoenix , so we can get them fast."
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him
from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and
ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the
truck and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in
Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all
three calls. He rode in the different fire
engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the local news
program. Having his dream come true, with all the
love and attention that was lavished upon him, so
deeply touched Billy that he lived three months
longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop
dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in
the hospice concept that no one should die alone,
began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a
fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked
if it would be possible to send a fireman in
uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he
made his transition.
The chief replied, "We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.
Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see the
lights flashing, will you announce over the PA
system that there is not a fire? It's just the
fire department coming to see one of its finest
members one more time.
And will you open the window to his room?
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck
arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder
up to Billy's third floor open window
16 firefighters climbed up the ladder into
Billy's room.
With his mother's permission, they
hugged him and held him and told him how much
they loved him.
With his dying breath, Billy
looked up at the fire chief and said,
"Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
"Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand,"
the chief said.
With those words, Billy smiled and said,
"I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing.."
He closed his eyes one last time.
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's h ow far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Thought For The Day
>
> "Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart.
>You're blessed with both!"
>
> Don't be flattered,
>
>
>
> This message was sent to ME!!
> I just wanted YOU to read it,,
>> hope this helps us all to understand exactly what is going on in our lives and hope that it helps our pain no matter what it is because we all have our own trials to deal with.......... punky or dee.........
>>
>>
>> Love this story or not - you will not be able to have tea in a tea cup again without thinking of this.
>>
>> There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."
>>
>>
>>
>> As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, "You don't understand. I have not always been a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "Don't do that." "I don't like it!" "Let me alone," but he only smiled, and gently said; "Not yet!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy!
>>
>>
>>
>> I'm going to be sick" I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; 'Not yet.'
>>
>>
>>
>> He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then ..... then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. "Help! Get me out of here!"
>>
>>
>>
>> I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet'.
>>
>>
>>
>> When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! "Ah, this is much better," I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please,Stop it, Stop, I cried.
>>
>>
>>
>> He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering "What's he going to do to me next?"
>>
>>
>>
>> An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
>>
>>
>>
>> The moral of this story is this: God knows what He's doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.
>>
>>
>>
>> So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this .... Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter
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