The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Anatomy Lesson
13:43 Mar 31 2006
Times Read: 691

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.







"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so with! out me nothing would happen".



"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge,! " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."



"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."







"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."



"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.



Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, t he stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.



The Moral of the story?



The asshole is usually in charge !!

Law of
13:41 Mar 31 2006
Times Read: 692

Law of Mechanical Repair: As soon as your hands are coated with

grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly

proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you

were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely

proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly

sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly

correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,

they will stop making it.

You never learn to swear until you learn to Fish or golf

Get our of Iraq Plan
13:40 Mar 31 2006
Times Read: 694

Bulletin from the Pentagon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.



These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:



1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.



The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday!

Tequila and Salt
13:35 Mar 31 2006
Times Read: 695

* * * Tequila and Salt * * *



This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read

it every day.

You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be

just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like

you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude

remarks.



So............If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including

the one that sent it to you.

If you get it back, then they really do love you.



And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt

and call me over!!!!

Loss of a Friend
16:41 Mar 29 2006
Times Read: 713

I am really sad today. I think I have lost a valuable friend. He has always been kind to me and was one of the first few people I met when I came to this site. He is such a sweetheart and you know who you are. I will not say his real name or his sign in name. I don't want people upset with him over this. But my feelings are hurt that he just doesn't understand and doesn't try to understand. But the real problem is he don't want to understand. He does not approve of the lifestyle I have chosen and he sees me as a child. I am 36 year old woman who can make her own decisions. I chose to be a slave to my Master. I am happy as a slave and he doesn't understand it. He understands how you can play the role in the bedroom, when it is all fun and games. But I didn't only want to be a sex slave. I am a sex slave and more. But only to my Master. I am the one who chose to be a slave and not the other way around. I hope he can one day understand that my heart is breaking because he was cruel to me. He called my Master names and said I was acting like a child who wanted to please her Daddy. Well I can see where he gets the idea, but there is more to it than that. It takes a special person to live this way and I am one of the many special people who have chosen this lifestyle.



To my lost friend and you know who you are. You will always be in my heart and I will always love you, but until you can understand, there will always be things we can't discuss. And I don't want to always be on guard when we talk. I have always been myself with you and now you don't want that. Now that you know the truth, you have changed in the way you talk to me and deal with me. I am so sorry that you do not understand. Please, try to understand why I am doing this. It is to save myself alot of heartache in the future. I am sorry if I have caused you any pain, but please understand. I can't and won't choose between you and my lifestyle. Because you will loose in the end. Because I have to be true to myself first and foremost. Please understand and know that I will always love you my friend.

The Jackass Story
15:31 Mar 28 2006
Times Read: 717

This is a long one people, but it's hilarious, hahah.









The Jackass Story







This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.



A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' '



I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?''



Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.



When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and hung up.



Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.



He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!''



It would always cheer me up.



Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea.



I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''



He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.



I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''



The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.



The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.



I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.

There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."



I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.



A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.



After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.''



I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''

''Yes, it is.''



''Can you tell me where I can see it?''



''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.''



I said, ''What's your name?''



''My name is Don Hansen.''



''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''



''I'm home in the evenings.''



''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''



''Yes.''



''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down.



After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:



First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''



I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up.



The jackass said, ''Are you still there?''



I said, ''Yeah.''



He said, ''Stop calling me.''



I said, ''No.''



He said, ''What's you name, pal?''



I said, ''Don Hansen.''



He said, ''Where do you live?''



''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.''



''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.''



''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up.



Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.''



I said, ''Hello, Jackass!''



He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''



''You'll what?''



''I'll kick your butt.''



''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up.



Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.



Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.



After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!



Name withheld to protect the guilty.



===================================





Hahaha omgroflmfao...Now that took some good solid planning ppl!



Thank you Batchyld for letting me borrow this story.

In The Beginning
22:59 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 719

In the beginning





In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.





Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.





And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.





So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.





God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.





God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."





God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.





Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.





God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"



And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.



God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.





Then Satan created HMOs.







Thought for the day ....... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections

and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Daddy Longlegs
22:50 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 720

>A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

>

>He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

>

>Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of

>nature through such innocent eyes.

>

>Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to

>see what work of God had captured her attention.

>

>He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

>

>"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

>

>"They're mating, " her father replied "What do you call the spider on top?"

>she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

>

>"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his

>heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied

>No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

>

> The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then

>took

>her foot and stomped them flat and said.....

>

>

>"We're not having any of that gay shit in our garden"

10 Reasons Eve Was Created
22:49 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 722

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created





10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.





09. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.





08. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.





07. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.





06. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.





05. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.





04. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.





03. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.





02. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!





And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...



01. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Walking Eagle
22:46 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 725

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.



He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers."



At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.



The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.



A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they'd come to select the new name given to the President.



They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Funny Pics
20:15 Mar 24 2006
Times Read: 740




































You got some 'splaining to do, lucy.

Funny Signs
20:12 Mar 24 2006
Times Read: 741

Marriage Cartoons
20:09 Mar 24 2006
Times Read: 742

This N That
13:09 Mar 24 2006
Times Read: 749

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor sectio. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.



The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This beer is used for washing our hair".



The cashier, without blinking and eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

_ _ _



Census Taker - - A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, 'les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four. "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?" The woman answered, "Heck No, there hundreds of times we didn't get nothin".!!



_ _ _ For Sale: Old Ford Tractor:, Missing Steering Wheel and Seat. Perfect for someone who has lost their ass and doesn't know which way to turn!.



_ _ _ Dog Talk: A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German Shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat". "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?", asked the collie; "I can't replied the poodle, "I'm not allowed on the couch".



_ _ _ Opposite Emotions: Students were in their Emotional Txtremes class. "Let's set some parameters," said the professor. "What's the opposite of Joy?" He aked one student. "Sadness," she replied. "The opposite of depression"?, he aked another student "Elation", he replied, "The opposite of woe?', the teacher asked a Texas woman. The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup"!



_ _ _ We'll have it Soon? A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No Ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out thedoor and said, "That isn't true, Ma'm. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, 'Never, nerver, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on it's way. Now, what was it she wanted"?. The clerk smiled and said, "Rain"!!

As I've Matured
12:46 Mar 24 2006
Times Read: 755

Click on the link below or copy and paste it to your address bar. This is really cute. A must see.











http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/life/life.htm

I'm Fine, How Are You?
12:40 Mar 24 2006
Times Read: 756

I'm Fine - How are you?

>

> There's nothing the matter with me,

> I'm just as healthy as can be,

> I have arthritis in both knees,

> And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

> My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,

> But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

>

> All my teeth have had to come out,

> And my diet I hate to think about.

> I'm overweight and I can't get thin,

> But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

>

> And arch supports I need for my feet.

> Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.

> Sleep is denied me night after night,

> But every morning I find I'm all right.

> My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.

> But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

>

> Old age is golden I've heard it said,

> But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

> With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,

> And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

> And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,

> Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

>

> The reason I know my Youth has been spent,

> Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!

> But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,

> Of all the places my get-up has been.

>

> I get up each morning and dust off my wits,

> Pick up the paper and read the obits.

> If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,

> So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

>

> The moral of this as the tale unfolds,

> Is that for you and me, who are growing old.

> It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,

> Than to let people know the shape we are in.

>

> I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?

Men Never Listen
13:52 Mar 22 2006
Times Read: 763

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into

the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.



A nurse noticed his predicament.



Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch

any of the buttons on the wall."



He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he

had promised not to touch.



Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled A

TR.



Who would know if he touched them?



He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his

bottom.



What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things

like this.



Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced

the warm water, gently drying his underside.



When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed

his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable

pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender

loving pleasure.



When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the

ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.



Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a

nurse was staring down at him.



"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the

ATR button.



"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your

pillow."



MEN NEVER LISTEN

10 Thoughts To Ponder
20:04 Mar 20 2006
Times Read: 767

10 thoughts to ponder



Have you ever thought about the idea that:





Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.



Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at

which one can die.



Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see

him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach

a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.



Number 6 - Some people are! like a Slinky.....not really good for

anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them

down the stairs.



Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in

hospitals dying of nothing.



Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It

pays no attention to criticism .



Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred

dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?



Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT: We know exactly where one cow with

mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows

in America! but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of

illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should

put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

5 Lessons To Make You Think
18:38 Mar 20 2006
Times Read: 770

5 lessons to make you think about how you treat others







1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.



During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I

was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"



Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward

our quiz grade.



"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.





2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 P.M., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his

address and thanked him.



Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:





"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,

Mrs. Nat King Cole.







3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.



By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.



"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.





4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.





Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.



Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.





After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

The peasant learned what many of us never understand!



Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.







5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."





As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".



Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Snow Plow
13:15 Mar 13 2006
Times Read: 777

Clear Day

One winter morning ..



One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio

over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are

going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must

park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so

the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and

moves her car.



A week later while they are eating breakfast again,

the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12

inches of snow today. You must park your car on the

odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get

through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.



The next week they are again having breakfast, when

the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14

inches of snow today you must park ....." Then the power goes

out.



Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look

on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the

snowplows can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice that all

men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

About Drinking Water
15:39 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 784

ABOUT DRINKING WATER







The following will probably amaze and startle you...









One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.



Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.



Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.



A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or



Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.



Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?



(No kidding, all of the above is true...)



Of course, too much water may have strange side effects (see picture below) ..













Now that I have your attention, go get another glass of water! -- BUT BE VERY CAREFUL

A Woman's Poem
15:29 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 786

A Woman's Poem









He didn't like the casserole



And he didn't like my cake.



My biscuits were too hard...



Not like his mother used to make.



I didn't perk the coffee right



He didn't like the stew,



I didn't mend his socks



The way his mother used to do.



I pondered for an answer



I was looking for a clue.



Then I turned around and smacked him...





Like his Mother used to do.

WINTER BLONDE
15:27 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 788

WINTER BLONDE



As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.



When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.







At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.



When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says..





"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

My Goldfish Died
15:26 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 789

My Goldfish Died

>

> Little Amber was in the garden, filling in a hole,

> when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in

> what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing.

>

> He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?"

> My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without

> looking up, "And I've just buried him."

>

> The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big

> hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

>

> Amber patted down the last heap of earth, then

> replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking

> cat."

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AIN'T TOO BRIGHT?
15:24 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 791

Hello, is this the FBI?"



"Yes. What can I do for you?"



"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.

He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"



"Thank you very much for the call, sir."



The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using

axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no

marijuana.



They sneer at Virgil and leave.



The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"



"Yeah!"



"Did they chop your firewood?"



"Yep."



"Happy Birthday, buddy"



WHO SAYS REDNECKS AIN'T TOO BRIGHT?

I Haven't Had The Flu
15:22 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 792

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.



She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.



She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.







As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.



The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.







The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.







"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.



"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.







The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.



Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

National Friendship Week
15:13 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 794

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.



I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.



How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?



How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?



I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?"

She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.



Because people cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!



We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.



Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."



When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her

enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.



My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula

and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way

home, I would have died happy.



Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had

only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?



Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I showed this to you.



Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic

flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?



When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it

tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good

friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?



When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.



Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we

might as well dance!

True Doctor Stories
15:05 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 796

True Doctor Stories:



A man comes into the ER and yells,

"My wife's going to

have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's --Dress,

and began to take off her

underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX



At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's

anterior chest wall.

Big breaths," I

instructed. Yes, they used to be,"

remorsefully

replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA



One day I had to be the bearer

of bad news when I told

a wife that her

husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting

to the rest of the family

that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada



I was performing a complete physical,

including the

visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty

feet from the chart and

began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left."

Again, a flawless read Now both,"

I requested. There

was silence. He

couldn't even read the

large E on the top line. I

turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing

there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing

too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA



During a patient's two week

follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble

with one of his

medications. Which one?"

I asked. The patch. The nurse

told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA



While acquainting myself with

a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete

confusion she answered ...

Why, not for about twenty years

-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI



And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his

residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed

a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom

he was performing this

exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,

but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was

an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name



These are too funny to be made up!!



They're a hoot....

Why We Forward Jokes
15:03 Mar 10 2006
Times Read: 797




This explains why we forward jokes.



A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.



He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.



After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine

marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.



When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.



When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"



"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.



"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.



"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some

ice water brought right up."



The man gestured, and the gate began to open.



"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.



"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."



The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.



After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.



As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.



"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"



"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."



"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.



"There should be a bowl by the pump."



They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.



The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long

drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.



When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.



"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.



"This is Heaven," he answered.



"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The

man down the road said that was Heaven, too."



"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."



"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"



"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."



Soooo...



Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.



Maybe this will explain.



When you are very busy, but still want to keep in

touch, guess what you do?



You forward jokes.



When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.



When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.



Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?



A forwarded joke.



So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that

you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but

that you've been thought of today and your friend on

the other end of your computer wanted to send you a

smile.



You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

Stories with Morals
15:45 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 804

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. It was to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

>

> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

>

> Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

>

> "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

>

> "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

>

> 'Very good," said the teacher.

>

> Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family, are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks, and the moral to the story is, don't count your chickens until they've hatched."

>

> "That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to tell?"

>

> "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Vickie. Aunt Vickie was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

>

> She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

>

> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

>

> "Stay the heck away from Aunt Vickie when she's drinking."

Being A Mother
15:40 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 805




SOMEONE said...







Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby ...



Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "Normal," is history.







Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ...







Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.







Somebody said being a mother is boring ......





Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.





Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."

Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.





Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices .

Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.





Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.

Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.







Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.



Somebody doesn't have five children.







Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books ........

Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.







Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery .













Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.





or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."







Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back .......









somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.







Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married. Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.







Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ...



Somebody never had grandchildren.



Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need! to tell her .









Somebody isn't a mother.

Frogs
15:32 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 807

FROGS



Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition.



The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.



A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....



The race began....



Honestly:



No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.



You heard statements such as:



"Oh, WAY too difficult!!"



"They will NEVER make it to the top."



or:



"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"









The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....



Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....



The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"



More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....



But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....



This one wouldn't give up!













At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!



THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?









A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?



It turned out....



That the winner was DEAF!!!!













The wisdom of this story is:



Never listen to other people's tendencies to be



negative or pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!



Always think of the power words have.



Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!



Therefore:



ALWAYS be....



POSITIVE!



And above all:



Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfill your dreams!



Always think:



God and I can do this!







Most people walk in and out of your life......but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart

In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no special day and I have no particular reason for writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell you... It's only one of those happy moments... when I thought of you... and I would like to share these thoughts with you...

MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF ANOTHER SMILE...

Rambo Granny
15:29 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 808

I thought this was interesting and kinda funny.









The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia





Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.



The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:



'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.



The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.



The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."



So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.



I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.



So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.



Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.



DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

Dessert Test
15:27 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 809

No cheating. If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? Pick your dessert, and then look to see

what psychiatrists think about you!



Sorry you can only pick one.



>Angel Food Cake

>Brownies

>Lemon Meringue Pie

>Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing

>Strawberry Short Cake

>Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake

>Ice Cream

>Carrot Cake





















NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be!































OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what psychiatric research says about you:



















































>ANGEL FOOD CAKE.. Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at

the end of the day.. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.





>BROWNIES... You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.





>LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, and articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many good friends.





>VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone

enjoys being around you. You are a practical! joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.





>STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. ! You also tend to melt. You can be overly emotional at times. And sometimes can be annoying.





>CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.





>ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it is baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.





>CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a

very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

A Valentine
15:19 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 810

I thought this was so funny, I had to post it.









Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"



Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"



"Osama Bin Laden," she says.



"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?



"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."



Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."



"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Kids In Church
15:17 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 811

Jesus' Dad's Name



A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''



***********

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old, Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in

heaven, Harold is His name.

Amen."





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a

Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer

for several evenings at bedtime,

she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated

each word right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,

"but deliver us some E-mail.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."





A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because a lot of people are

sleeping."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door?

They're hushers."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***********************************************

Think before you speak
15:14 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 813

Think before you speak...





Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!



Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?







Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....









FIRST TESTIMONY:



I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,



"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"





I turned around and walked back out and never went back



My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.









SECOND TESTIMONY:







I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.



I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.



After browsing for several minutes,



I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.



Without thinking, I looked at him and said,



"I think I like playing with men's balls."











THIRD TESTIMONY:





My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.



As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.



I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."



My sister started to laugh hysterically.



The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.



To this day, my sister has never let me forget.









FOURTH TESTIMONY:







While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.



I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.



I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.





To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"



The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.



Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.



I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.



The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.











FIFTH TESTIMONY:





Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?







My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.



One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.



The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said "No".



I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an

accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."



Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"



"No," he replied.



I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.



Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"



This time he jumped up,





yanked down his pants,



bent over,



spread his cheeks



and yelled



"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"



While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.



An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!









LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:







This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.



What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!



We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:



"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"



Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!









Remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.

Scientific Study
14:59 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 816

A South American Scientist, from Argentina,

after a lengthy study, has discovered that

people with not enough sexual activities

read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse..

















































Don't bother taking it off,

it's too late.......................

It's Good To Be A Woman
14:57 Mar 02 2006
Times Read: 818

IT IS GOOD TO BE A WOMAN!!!!!!

1. We got off the Titanic first.



2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.



3. Taxis stop for us.



4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.



5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.



6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.



7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.



8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.



9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.



10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.



11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.



12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.



13. We will never regret piercing our ears.



14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.



15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.