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22 entries this month
 

Dog Fight

11:55 Jun 21 2007
Times Read: 644


The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.



The Russians found the biggest meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.



When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.



Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.



The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.



The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."



"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."



COMMENTS

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Gas Men

11:55 Jun 21 2007
Times Read: 645


Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter.

Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man.



They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong.



As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"



COMMENTS

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DUSTY UNDERWEAR

15:55 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 672


One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

> > >>>

> > >>> "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud

appeared

> > >>> when he shook them out.

> > >>> "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum

powder

> > >>> in my underwear?"

> > >>> She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.

> > >>>

> > >>> It's...... 'Miracle Grow'."


COMMENTS

-



 

Eve's side of the story.

15:54 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 672


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

>

> "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

>

> "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets

> are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I

> have just one problem.

>

> It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other

> two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them

> on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but,

> they're a real pain," reported Eve.

>

> Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came

> in pairs, her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having just two

> breasts might leave her body m ore "symmetrically balanced."

> "That' s a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at

> this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that

> you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will

> fix it up right away."

>

> And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into

> the bushes.

>

> Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of

> Eden.

>

> "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

>

> "Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all

> the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull.

> All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

>

> God thought for a moment and said, "You know! , Eve, you are right.

> How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will

> immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did

> I put that useless boob?"

>

> Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?



COMMENTS

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Stupid husband

15:51 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 673


>>Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed

> > reading when the wife looks

> > >>over at him and asks the question.

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get

> > married again?

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to

> > do"

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

> > >>

> > >>WIFE: -- silence --

> > >>

> > >>HUSBAND: "shit."

>

>


COMMENTS

-



 

BEING A MOTHER

15:49 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 674




After 21 years of marriage, My wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you."







The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.







That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.







"What's wrong, are you well," she asked?







My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.







"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,"



I responded. "Just the two of us."







She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."







That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I as a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date.







She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary.







She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's.







"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car.







"They can't wait to hear about our meeting."







We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady..







After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.







"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said.







"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.







During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation, nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.







As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.







" How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home.







"Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.







A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.







Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined.







An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance.







I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son."







At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time".











Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby ... somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.







Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct, somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.







Somebody said being a mother is boring ... somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.







Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"... ..somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.







Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.







Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.







Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first ... somebody doesn't have two children.







Somebody said a mother can



find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.... somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.







Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery....somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."







Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back ....somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.







Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.







Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....somebody never had grandchildren.







Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a mother.





COMMENTS

-



 

Adam & Eve

15:48 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 675


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.











So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it

would be a woman.





He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook

for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.





She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not

nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had

a disagreement. She will praise you!







She will bear your children.





and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care

of them.





"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

passion whenever you need it."





Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"









God replied, "An arm and a leg."





Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"







Of course the rest is history......................



If only Adam had not been a Cheapskate



COMMENTS

-



 

The Movies

15:47 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 676


THE TICKET AGENT AT THE THEATER WINDOW ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT

> >> ON

> >>> YOUR

> >>> >SHOULDER?"

> >>> >

> >>> >THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I

> >> GO,

> >>> CHUCK

> >>> >GOES."

> >>> >

> >>> >"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW

> >> ANIMALS IN

> >>> THE

> >>> >THEATER."

> >>> >

> >>> >THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN

> >> HIS

> >>> >OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND

> >> ENTERED

> >>> THE

> >>> >THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND

> >> MARGE.

> >>> >

> >>> >THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD

> >> FARMER

> >>> >UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH

> >> THE

> >>> MOVIE.

> >>> >

> >>> >"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

> >>> >

> >>> >"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

> >>> >

> >>> >"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

> >>> >

> >>> >"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

> >>> >

> >>> >"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED

> >> MILDRED.

> >>> >

> >>> >"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE,

> >> WE'VE

> >>> SEEN

> >>> >'EM ALL."

> >>> >

> >>> >"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY

> >> POPCORN."

> >>> >


COMMENTS

-



 

My private part died

15:46 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 677


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life

> >>> > > > in a

> >>> > > > nursing home.

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse

> >>> > > > Tracy asked if

> >>> > > > there was anything wrong.

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part

> >>> > > > died today,

> >>> > > > and I am very sad."

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little

> >>> > > > crazy, she

> >>> > > > replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept

> >>> > > > my

> >>> > > > condolences ."

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall

> >>> > > > with his

> >>> > > > "Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse

> >>> > > > Tracy.

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down

> >>> > > > the hall

> >>> > > > like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your

> >>> > > > pajamas."

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > But, Nurse Tracy, "replied Mr. Goldstein," I told you

> >>> > > > yesterday that

> >>> > > > my "Private Part" died."

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of

> >>> > > > your pajamas?"

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!

> >>> > > >

> >>> > > > "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."


COMMENTS

-



 

Subject: Contradictions

15:46 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 678


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

> >

> >

> >

> > Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

> >

> >

> >

> > He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could

> > have beaten the red

> >

> > light by accelerating through the intersection.

> >

> >

> >

> > The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in

> > frustration as she missed

> >

> > her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and

> > makeup.

> >

> >

> >

> > As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked

up

> >

> > into the face of a very serious police officer.

> >

> >

> >

> > The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

> >

> >

> >

> > He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger

printed,

> >

> > photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

> >

> >

> >

> > After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the

> > door.

> >

> >

> >

> > She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer

was

> > waiting with her

> >

> > personal effects.

> >

> >

> >

> > He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind

> >

> > your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front

> >

> > of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

> >

> >

> >

> > "I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'

> >

> > license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,

and

> >

> > the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I

> >

> > assumed you had stolen the car."

> >


COMMENTS

-



 

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

15:43 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 677


Your Clothes:



1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN

confirms your pregnancy.



2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.



3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

______________________________________________________



Preparing for the Birth:



1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.



2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,

breathing didn't do a thing.



3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.



______________________________________________________



The Layette:



1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and

fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.



2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard

only the ones with the darkest stains.



3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?



______________________________________________________



Worries:



1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up

the baby.



2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your

firstborn.



3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical

swing.



____________________________________________________



Pacifier:



1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you

can go home and wash and boil it.



2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with

some juice from the baby's bottle.



3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.



______________________________________________________



Diapering:



1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need

it or not.



2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.



3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain

about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.



______________________________________________________



Activities:



1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby

Story Hour.



2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.



3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.



______________________________________________________





Going Out:



1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call

home five times.



2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a

number where you can be reached.



3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees

blood.



______________________________________________________



At Home:



1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.



2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older

child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.



3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):



1st child: When first child swallows a coin,you rush the child to the

hospital and demand x-rays.



2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for

the coin to pass.



3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his

allowance!









GRANDCHILDREN : God's reward for allowing your children to live.



COMMENTS

-



 

We know everything now

15:42 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 678


the true answers to the 5 most

> important questions in the world:

>

> Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

> A: It's Braille for "suck here".

> Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

> A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

>

> Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

> A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

>

> Q4. WHY HURRICANES ARE NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

> A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,

> they

> take your house and car with them.

>

> Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

> A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

>

> Now, you know everything you need to know ... Enjoy it & keep on having

> fun!!


COMMENTS

-



 

Butt measurement

15:41 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 679


A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day



> >>



> >> And the man looks over at his wife and says:



> >>



> >> "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.



> >>



> >> I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >> With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape



> >>



> >> And measured the grill and then went over to



> >>



> >> Where his wife was working



> >>



> >> And measured his wife's bottom.



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >> "Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >> The woman chose to ignore her husband.



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >> Later that night in bed,



> >>



> >> The husband is feeling a little frisky.



> >>



> >> He makes some advances towards his wife



> >>



> >> Who completely brushes him off.



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >> "What's wrong?" he asks.



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >>



> >> She answers: " Do you really think



> >>



> >> I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill



> >>



> >> For one little weenie ?"



COMMENTS

-



 

Garage Door

15:40 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 680


A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS >> > ZIPPER

>> > WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN.

>> >

>> > HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS, THIS MORNING WHEN YOU

>> > LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

>> >

>> > THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS

>> > OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

>> >

>> > WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT



HIS

>> > ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE ZIPPED UP AND, REMEMBERING WHAT HIS

>> > SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD.

>> >

>> > THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE. WHEN HE

>> > REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU

>> > SEE

>> > MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"

>> >

>> > THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID--"NO BOSS, I DIDN'T



....ALL

>> > I

>> > SAW WAS A MINI-VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES."











COMMENTS

-



 

Proud To Be White

15:39 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 681


Someone finally said it.



How many are actually paying attention to this?







There are African Americans, Mexican Americans,



Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc.



And then there are just Americans.







You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.



You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey,"



"Whitey," "Caveman" .. And that's OK.







But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger,



Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.







You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,



So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?







You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King



Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You



Have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP.



You have BET.







If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) .. We'd be racists.







If we had a White Pride Day .. You would call us racists.







If we had White History Month . We'd be racists.







If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives ..



We'd be racists.







We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of



Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.



Wonder who pays for that?







If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships



... You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed



Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" ....



THAT would be a racist college.







In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching



For your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,



You would call us racists.







You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're



Not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride ..



You call us racists.







You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer



Shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running



From the law and posing a threat to society .. You call him a racist.







I am proud.



But, you call me a racist.







Why is it that only whites can be racists?



COMMENTS

-



 

TIME

15:37 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 682


A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next

> door.

>

> It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College,

> girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved

> clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush

> of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and

> often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his

> future, and nothing could stop him.

>

> Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The

>

> funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old

> newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

>

>

>

> "Jack, did you hear me?"

>

> "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought

> of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

>

>

>

> "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you

> were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his

> side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

>

> "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

>

> "You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to

>

>make

> sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

>

> "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in

> this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching

> me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the

>

>funeral,"

> Jack said.

>

> As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to

> his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no

> children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

>

> The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by

> to see the old house next door one more time.

>

> Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like

> crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time

> The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories.

>

>Every picture, every

> piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

>

> "What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

>

> "The box is gone," he said.

>

> "What box?" Mom asked.

>

> "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I

> must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever

> tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

>

> It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack

> remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser

> family had taken it.

>

> "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I

> better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

>

> It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died Returning home from

>

>

> work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signatu re

> required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post

> office within the next three days," the note read.

>

> Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old

> and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The

> handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his

>

>attention. "Mr.

> Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped

> open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.

> Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

>

> "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack

> Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was

> taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack

>

>

> carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold

> pocket watch.

>

> Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he

> unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

>

> "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."

>

> "The thing he valued most was...my time" Jack held the watch for

>

>a

> few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for

> the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

>

> "I need some time to spend with my son," he said.

>

> "Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!"

>

> "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the

> moments that take our breath away,"

>

> Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.


COMMENTS

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Vanilla Pudding Robbery

15:31 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 684


This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.



Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.



The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.



As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."



The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.



They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper

headline read:



IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...


COMMENTS

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Boccelli leather shoes

15:30 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 685


Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day



and passes a shoe store.



Each day he stops and looks in the window



to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.



He wants those shoes so much...



it's all he can think about.



After about 2 months he saves the price



of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.



Every Friday night the Italian community



holds a dance in the church basement.



Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear



his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.



He asks Sophia to dance and



as they dance he asks her,



"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"



Startled, Sophia replies,



"Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,



but how do you know?"



Gennaro answers,



"I see the reflection in my new



$300 Boccelli leather shoes.



How do you like them?"



Next he asks Rosa to dance,



and after a few minutes he asks,



" Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"



Rosa answers,



"Yes, Gennaro, I do,



but how do you know that?"



He replies,



"I see the reflection in my new



$300 Boccelli leather shoes.



How do you like them?"



Now as the evening is almost over



and the last song is being played,



Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.



Midway through the dance his face



turns red.



He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,



please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,



please, please, tella me this true!"



Carmela smiles coyly and answers,



"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."



Gennaro gasps,



"Thanka God ...



I thought I had a CRACK in my



$300 Boccelli leather shoes!"



COMMENTS

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LITTLE BOY AT NUDE BEACH

15:29 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 686


A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in

Tampa . As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the

women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked his mother

why.



She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."



The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but

returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things

than his dad does.



She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."



Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.



Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:



"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer

he talks, the dumber he gets


COMMENTS

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HAVE TO LOVE THIS NURSE

15:28 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 687


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed

appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might have been a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive

tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black

letters was the sentence: "Get well quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."



COMMENTS

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The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

15:28 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 688


The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.



The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."



No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."



I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give mean example of a tragedy?"



Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."



"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."



COMMENTS

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ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

15:27 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 689


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work ######## with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."



Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."



The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."


COMMENTS

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