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80 entries this month
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)18:27 Aug 24 2006
Times Read: 690
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"
No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
18:02 Aug 24 2006
Times Read: 693
Look at the black patch under the U.S. flag.
The patch says "Doing the work of" The flags are France,Germany,and Russia.
This SHOULD be on the front cover of Time, Newsweek, etc.
Bank Account17:58 Aug 24 2006
Times Read: 695
>>
>>A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed
>>each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and
>>shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing
>>home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move
>>necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the
>>nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
>>
>>
>>As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
>>description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been
>>hung on his window.
>>
>>
>>"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having
>>just been presented with a new puppy.
>>
>>
>>
>>"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
>>
>>"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
>>
>>
>>"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my
>>room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .... it's
>>how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I
>>make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day
>>in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that
>>no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
>>
>>Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new
>>day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in
>>my life.
>>
>>Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
>>
>>So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
>>account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank.
>>I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>>
>>1. Free your heart from hatred.
>>2. Free your mind f rom worries.
>>3. Live simply.
>>4. Give more.
>>5. Expect less.
>>
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES17:50 Aug 24 2006
Times Read: 696
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion,
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan
outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted
to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
Global Warming20:43 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 704
Letter from a soldier20:39 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 705
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
> (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
>
> Dear Ma and Pa,
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
>Marine Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile. Tell them to
>join up quick before all of the places are filled.
>
> I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
>A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
>
> Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot,
>and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix,
>wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
>
> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast
>is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
>kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
>other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
>two city boys that live on coffee.
>
> Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
>It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
>marches,"which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
>If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
>
> A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
>city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is
>nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a
>lot. The Captain is like the school board.
>
> Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother
>you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
>getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.
>
> The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and
>it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
>do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your
>own cartridges. They come in boxes.
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
>wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
>break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
>
> I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
>over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
>as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
>fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
> Your loving daughter,
> Carol
Lord20:38 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 706
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the Sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because You have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Satan20:36 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 709
> >
> > >>> > People were in their pews talking at church.
> >
> > >>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar. Everyone
> >
> > >>> > started screaming and running for the entrance,
> >
> > >>> > trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
> >
> > >>> > away from evil incarnate.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > Soon everyone had exited the church except for
> >
> > >>> > one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew
> >
> > >>> > without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
> >
> > >>> > God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
> >
> > >>> > "Don't you know who I am?"
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even
tone.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying
> >
> > >>> > AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Yep" was the calm reply.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > "Nope," said the old man.
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
> >
> > >>> > afraid of me?"
> >
> > >>> >
> >
> > >>> > The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44
years."
> >
IF I KNEW20:32 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 718
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
Because I love you (how sad)20:25 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 728
A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No it's not. Please it's too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl hugs him
Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging me.
(in the paper the next day)
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only 1 had survived The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.
If u love any one this much...let them know...before its too
late... I love you 4 ever.....and always 2 the end....i cant live without ya.....b-cuz ur my friend.....
Children Writing About The Sea:20:24 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 729
>Children Writing About The Sea:
>
> 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
>
>2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
>
>3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
> have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
>
> 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
> Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
>
> 5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age
>8)
>
>6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
>(Millie age 6)
>
>7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
>cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the
>sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
> they would be better
>off eating beans. (William age 7)
>
> 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
> tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
>
>9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is
>always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my
> Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think
>what to write. (Amy age 6)
>
>10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric
>eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under
>the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into
> chargers. (Christopher age 7)
>
>11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it
> makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
>
>12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two
>divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each
>other. (Becky age
>8)
>
>13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when
>she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again
> because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
South Carolina20:17 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 738
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LIVING IN SOUTH CAROLINA:
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in SOUTH
CAROLINA.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in SOUTH
CAROLINA, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it sticks; If it crawls, it bites.
5. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6. It is not a Shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. "Fixinto" is one word.
10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then
there is supper.
11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
12. Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
13. The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time
it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA IF:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. You use "fix" as a verb. For example: "I'm fixing to go to the store "
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave both
unlocked.
6. You know what a "DAWG" is.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car . For your OWN car.
8. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and
ketchup.
9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".
12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and
Christmas.
13. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World" ... Mall Mart.
14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good Gumbo
weather.
15. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop .. it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. For example: "What kinda coke you want?"
16. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
17. We don't need no stinking driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive,
we can drive.
home remedies20:15 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 739
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
all about the toothache.
7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape
Mr. Common Sense20:14 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 740
Grab a coffee, read, and then take a moment for silent reflection....
-----
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as Knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategy
(adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense final ly gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
The Alabama preacher20:04 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 741
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!
HANGING BASKETS
20:03 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 742
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
>telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
USS New York20:00 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 743
USS New York
With a year to go before it even touches the water, the Navy's amphibious assault ship USS New York has already made history. It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center .
USS New York is about 45 percent complete and should be ready for launch in mid-2007. Katrina disrupted construction when it pounded the Gulf Coast last summer, but the 684-foot vessel escaped serious damage, and workers were back at the yard near New Orleans two weeks after the storm.
It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft.
"It would be fitting if the first mission this ship would go on is to make sure that bin Laden is taken out, his terrorist organization is taken out," said Glenn Clement, a paint foreman. "He came in through the back door and knocked our towers down and (the New York ) is coming right through the front door, and we want them to know that."
Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, La., to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on Sept. 9, 2003, "those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence," recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. "It was a< /FONT> spiritual moment for everybody there."
Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the "hair on my neck stood up." "It had a big meaning to it for all of us," he said. "They knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back."
The ship's motto? - 'Never Forget'
Vaseline19:54 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 744
A market researcher called at a house and
his knock was answered by a young woman
with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his
questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that
among their many products was Vaseline and
she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was,
"Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always
ask that question because everyone uses our
product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some
other purpose; but I know that most people really
use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like
to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?"
"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
Lab Techs19:51 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 748
Lab Techs....God love 'em!
1. Did you hear about the Lab Tech who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
2. You know you're a Lab Tech... you would like to meet the inventor of the word vampire some night in a dark alley.
3. Your sense of humor gets more warped each year. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.
4. You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.
5. You can tell the doctor more about the lab test they are ordering than they know.
6. You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
7. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.
8. You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started being a lab tech.
9. Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
10. You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult."
11. You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker.
12. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
13. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
14. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
15. You have smelled smells never thought possible.
16. You have seen more urines than a urologist.
If you are not a lab tech and have been given this by a friend who is, it's just to help you understand our mind set and questionable mental status/sanity. Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly normally and very responsibly.
Nurses19:43 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 750
Nurses....God love 'em!
1. Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
2. You know you're a nurse if... you would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.
3. Your sense of humor gets more warped each year. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.
4. You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.
5. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
6. You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
7. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.
8. You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
9. Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
10. You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult."
11. You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker and to holler if they need help.
12. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
13. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
14. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
15. Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
16. You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
If you are not a nurse and have been given this by a friend who is, it's just to help you understand our mind set and questionable mental status/sanity. Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly normally and very responsibly.
PROFILE SONG17:07 Aug 22 2006
Times Read: 755
The Song on my Profile is ABC's Of Kinky Sex By Lords of Acid.
Here are the lyrics for those who would like to know what the song is actually saying.
ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP
QRS
TUV
WX
Y and Z
Oh how happy you will be once I teach you my ABC
A is for asphyxiation you won't catch your breath
B is for the blindfold that keeps you dark as death
C is for your cockroach that I squash beneath my shoe,
while I watch you wiggle and laugh at you (ha ha)
D is for my dildo that you will learn to blow
E is for your enema, I control the flow
F is for my flogger, I whip you so violent
G is for the gag in place to keep your screaming silent
H is for humiliation that you must bear
I will imobilize you in my sexual lair
J is for your jizzy, jerking tendency
K for kisses
L for love, and licks you offer me
M is for the manacles imprisoned in your feet
N is for your nelly little nimby so sweet
O is for the O-rings holding you in place
P is for the persperation dripping down your face
Q is for the quirk I use to whip your eager ass
R is for restraints to make the magic last
S is for sweet suffering that only you will know
T is for the torment that keeps you on the go
U is for unbridaled lust that only I control,
as I claim for my own your body, mind and soul
V is for the vicious urge to struggle in vain,
while I tease and tantalize you and eroticise your pain
W is where the wily woman walks
X is for excruciating X rated talk
Y is your the yo yo I yank upon your string,
watch you yell and holler with all the pleasure that it brings
Z is for the zestfulness with which you will submit,
Now I've taught you every letter so remember all of it!
Twinkle twinkle little slut, now I spank your naughty butt
Once I've warmed it you will cry, and I'll wipe your teary eye
Don't forget the lessons learned or your rumpsticks will be burned.
A-B-C you and me
K-I-N-K spells S-E-X
ABC's of S-E-X
F-U-N spells K-I-N-K
Ba ba black sheep in my school,
you'll be shorn of all your wool,
a lesson in submission another in pain,
after graduation things will never be the same.
You'll become my grumbling fool,
drowning in a puddle of your own drool.
A-B-C you and me
ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP
QRS
TUV
WX
Y and Z
Oh how happy I will be, once I teach you the kinky ABC
A-B-C you and me
A-B-C you and me
A-B-C
(A-B-C)
Drug Names18:35 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 758
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Five tips for a woman....18:33 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 760
Five tips for a woman....
>
> 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
>
> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
>
> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
>
> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
>
> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
>
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
> "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
>
Rapist Trick18:31 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 761
Subject: Know what money you are carrying! You will see why as you read!
Be sure every lady is aware of this M.O. Share with it your wife and daughters.
Know what money you are carrying..
This was the first I have heard of a scheme like this..... I wanted to pass it
along. Be safe! Something very serious to pay attention to.
Criminals are coming up with craftier, less threatening methods of attack, so we
have to be extra cautious. Read on.. I live in
Alexandria, VA, but I often work in Lafayette, LA, staying with friends when I'm
there. As you know from America's Most Wanted TV progra m, as well as the news
media, there is a serial kil ler in the Lafayette area. I just want to let you
know about an "incident" that happened to me a few weeks ago, and could have
been
deadly.
At first I didn't go to the police or anyone with it because I didn't realize
how serious this encounter was. But since I work in a jail and I told a few
people about it, it wasn't long before I was paraded into Internal Affairs to
tell them my story. It was proximately 5:15 a.m. in Opelousas, La. I had stayed
with a friend there and was on my way to work.
I stopped at the Exxon/Blimpie Pie station to get gas. I got $10 gas and a Diet
Coke. I took into the store two $5 bills and one $1 bill (just enough to get my
stuff).
As I pulled away from the store, a man approached my truck from the back side of
the store (an unlit area). He was an "approachable-looking" man (clean cut,
clean shaven, dressed well, etc.).
He walked up to my window and knocked. Since I'm very p arano id and "always
looking for the rapist or killer," I didn't open the window
.
I just asked what he wanted. He raised a $5 bill to my window and said, "You
dropped this." Since I knew I had gone! into the store with a certain amount of
money, I knew I didn't drop it.
When I told him it wasn't mine, he began hitting the window and door, screaming
at me to open my door, and insisting that I had dropped the money! At that
point, I just drove away as fast as I could. After talking to the
In ternal Affairs Department and describing the man I saw, and the way he
escalated from calm and polite to angry and volatile....it was determined that I
could have possibly encountered the serial killer myself.
Up to this point, it had been unclear as to how he had gained access to his
victims, since there has been no evidence of forced entry into victim's homes,
cars, etc. And the fact that he has been attacking in the daytime,
when w omen are less likely to have their gu ard up, means he is pretty BOLD.
So think about it...what gesture is nicer than returning money to someone that
dropped it?????
How many times ! would y ou have opened your window (or door) to get your money
and say thank you.... because if the person is kind enough to return something
to you, then he can't really be a threat....can he???? Please be cautious! This
might not have been the serial killer... but anyone that gets that angry over
someone not accepting money from them, can't have honorable intentions. The most
important thing to note is that his reaction was ! NOT WHAT I EXPECTED! A total
surprise! But what might have happened if I had opened my door? I shudder to
think!
What are you?18:29 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 762
A DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN OR REDNECK?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DEMOCRAT'S ANSWER
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to discuss it with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REPUBLICAN'S ANSWER
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REDNECK'S ANSWER
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..Click-Click-Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Holler Points?"
Son: "Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one?!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!"
Men are18:28 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 763
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
9-1-1 Calls18:25 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 764
BELIEVE it or not,
> These are REAL 911 Calls!
>
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
> Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
> house on the corner.
> Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
> Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
>
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
> Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
> and cheese sandwich.
> Dispatcher: Excuse me?
> Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
> table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
> taken a bite out of it.
> Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
> Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and
tired
> of it!
>
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
> Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
> an eleven on it.
> Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
> Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
> Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
> thing.
> Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
>
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
> Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
> minutes apart
> Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
> Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
>
> And the winner is..........
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1
> Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
> Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
> Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
> Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
> Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
> Caller: No
> Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
> breathing?
> Caller: Running from the Police.
How to tell someone you have to go to the BATHROOM18:23 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 765
During class, a teacher was trying to teach
>> good manners. The teacher asks the students: "Michael, if you
>>were on
>> a date, having supper with a nice young lady,How would you
>>tell her that
>> you have to go to the bathroom?"
>>
>> Michael said .. . "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The
>> teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite!!! What
>>about
>> you Scottie, how would you say it?" Scotty replied, "I am
>> sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
>>right back.". The
>> Teacher replied, "That's better, but it's still not very nice
>>to say
>> the word bathroom at the table". "And you Johnny, . .. are
>>you
>> able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good
>>manners?" Johnny
>> replied, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
>>moment,
>> I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
>>hope you'll
>> get to meet after supper."
>>
>> The teacher fainted. =
Password18:22 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 766
> > > A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
> >appropriate
> > > point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to
> > > enter a password......... something he will use to log on.
> > >
> > > The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
> >the
> > > shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
> > >
> > > So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
> >plainly
> > > obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud
> >as
> > > he typed.....
> > >
> > > P...
> > >
> > > E...
> > >
> > > N...
> > >
> > > I...
> > >
> > > S...
> > >
> > > His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
> > > ***PASSWORD REJECTED ......... NOT LONG ENOUGH**
Hair ?????18:21 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 767
A young boy name Justin had just gotten his driver's permit
and inquired of his father, a minister, if they could
discuss his use of the car.
His father said "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided
that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his
father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study
groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten
your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know,
Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even
a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they
all walked everywhere they went?"
John 3:1618:21 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 768
A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner,
the people were in and out of the cold.
The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell
many papers.
He walked up to a policeman and said,
"Mister,
you wouldn't happen to know where a poor boy could
find a warm place to sleep tonight would you?
You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and
down the alley and it's awful cold in there for tonight.
Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay."
The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, "You go down
the street to that big white house and you knock on the door. When
they come out the door you just say
John 3:16, and they will let you in."
So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked on the
door, and a lady answered. He looked up and said,
"John 3:16." The lady said, "Come on in, Son."
She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom
rocker in front of a great big old fireplace, and she went
off. The boy sat there for a while and thought to himself:
John 3:16...I don't understand it, but it sure makes
a cold boy warm.
Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry?"
He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of
days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food,"
The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table
full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn't eat
any more. Then he thought to himself:
John 3:16...Boy, I sure don't understand it but it sure
makes a hungry boy full.
She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub
filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked for a
while. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16...
I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty boy
clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my
whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in
front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out.
The lady came in and got him. She took him to a room,
tucked him into a big old feather bed, pulled the covers
up around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out
the lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked out the
window at the snow coming down on that cold night, he thought to
himself: John 3:16...I don't understand it but
it sure makes a tired boy rested.
The next morning the lady came back up and took him
down again to that same big table full of food. After he
ate, she took him back to that same big old split bottom
rocker in front of the fireplace and
picked up a big old Bible.
She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face. "Do
you understand John 3:16?" she asked gently. He
replied, "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it
was last night when the policeman told me to use it,"
She opened the Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain
to him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old fireplace,
he gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there
and thought: John 3:16 -- don't understand it, but it sure
makes a lost boy feel safe.
You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either, how God
was willing to send His Son to die for me, and how
Jesus would agree to do such a thing. I don't understand
the agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as they watched
Jesus suffer and die. I don't understand the intense
love for ME that kept Jesus on the cross till the end.
I don't understand it, but it sure does make life worth living.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only
begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but
have everlasting life.
New Supermarket18:19 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 769
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent
of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Rednecks Visiting City18:16 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 770
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first
time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen
anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha momma..............
E-mooned18:11 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 773
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned! Now people will be laughing their ass off (_ :-) _)
Italian Bread18:10 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 774
TWO OLD GUYS, ONE 80 AND ONE 87, WERE SITTING ON THEIR USUAL PARK
BENCH ONE MORNING.
>
> THE 87 YEAR OLD HAD JUST FINISHED HIS MORNING JOG AND WASN'T EVEN
SHORT OF BREATH.
>
> THE 80 YEAR OLD WAS AMAZED AT HIS FRIENDS STAMINA AND ASKED HIM WHAT
> HE DID TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
>
> THE 87 YEAR OLD SAID, "WELL, I EAT ITALIAN BREAD EVERY DAY. IT KEEPS
> YOUR ENERGY LEVEL HIGH AND YOU'LL HAVE GREAT STAMINA WITH THE LADIES."
>
> SO, ON THE WAY HOME, THE 80 YEAR OLD STOPS IN AT THE BAKERY. AS HE WAS
> LOOKING AROUND, THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED IF HE NEEDED ANY HELP.
>
> HE SAID, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ITALIAN BREAD?"
>
> SHE SAID, "YES, THERE'S A WHOLE SHELF OF IT. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?"
>
> HE SAID, " YES, I WANT 5 LOAVES."
>
> SHE SAID, "MY GOODNESS, 5 LOAVES. DON'T YOU THINK BY THE TIME YOU
> GET TO THE 4TH LOAF, IT'LL BE HARD?'
>
> HE REPLIED, "HOLY SHIT, EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS
> ITALIAN BREAD THING BUT ME !!!!
>
Wrong Number18:08 Aug 15 2006
Times Read: 775
> ((((RING))))
> > "Hello?"
> > "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
> > "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
> Paul."
> > After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you
> haven't got an Uncle
> Paul."
> > "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
> Mommy right now"
> > ..... Brief Pause
> > "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
> the phone down on the
> table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,
> and shout to Mommy
> that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
> > "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
> > A few minutes later the little girl comes back to
> the phone. "I did it,
> Daddy"
> > "And what happened honey?" he asked
> > "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
> no clothes on and
> ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
> hit her head on the
> dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
> > "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
> > "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
> He was all scared and
> he jumped out of the back window and into the
> swimming pool. But I guess
> he didn't know that you took out the water last week
> to clean it. He hit
> the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
> > ***Long Pause***
> > ***Longer Pause******
> > Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool??? Is this
> 486-5731??"
The State Fair
18:40 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 779
>>>>MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO
>>>>
>>>>THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
>>>>
>>>>EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY,
>>>>
>>>>"ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT
>>>>
>>>>HELICOPTER."
>>>>
>>>>ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,
>>>>
>>>>" I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE
>>>>
>>>>IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
>>>>
>>>>A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
>>>>
>>>>MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD.
>>>>
>>>>IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,
>>>>
>>>>I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
>>>>
>>>>ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS,
&g t;>>>
>>>>THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS
>>>>
>>>>IS 50 DOLLARS."
>>>>
>>>>THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID,
>>>>
>>>>"FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.
>>>>
>>>>IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE
>>>>
>>>>RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD,
>>>>
>>>>I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,
>>>>
>>>>IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
>>>>
>>>>MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT.
>>>>
>>>>THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANOEUVRES.
>>>>
>>>>BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
>>>>
>>>>HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,
>> >>
>>>>BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
>>>>
>>>>WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS.
>>>>
>>>>HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU
>>>>
>>>>TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
>>>>
>>>>MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING
>>>>
>>>>WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
>>>>
>>>>BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
>>>>
Ethel in the Nursing Home18:37 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 782
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwhich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near thr TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped ot in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
(Now, I don't care who you are, that's funny!)
Hippie and the Nun18:35 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 785
A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits
> down next to her, and asks her: Can we have sex ?"
>
> "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She then stands up, and
> gets off at the next stop.
>
> The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says I can
> tell you how to have sex with her !" "Yeah?", says the
>hippy.
>
> "Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every
> Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is
>dress up in
> a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in
>your
> beard, and pop up in he cemetery claiming to be God"
>
> The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
> dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
>
> "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about
> his face,
>
> "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."
>
> The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict
> himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her
>virginity.
>
> "God" agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
> finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
>
> "Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippy!"
>
> "Ha-ha!," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver."
>
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
18:32 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 788
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Red Neck Vacation18:22 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 791
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one
afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready
for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go. Three years ago you
said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to
the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned
if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna
do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
The Witch Doctor18:16 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 794
A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with
> this penis anymore! It's too long."
>
> The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the
> witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
>
> So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said,
> "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll
> say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
>
> So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry
> me?"
>
> "No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
>
> The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So
> he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
>
> The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
>
> He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
> So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
>
> And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you. NO! NO! NO!"
Something To Offend Everyone!17:16 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 799
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Will You?17:15 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 800
, _________________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of
the following:
______a cold beer
______a bourbon and 7up
______a glass of wine
______a cheeseburger
______lobster or shrimp
______Pepperoni Pizza
______a bowl of ice cream
______the car keys
______ plate of lasagna
______chocolate
______sweet tea
______ fried chicken
______SEX!!!!!!!
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day.
Signature:
x___________________________
Modern Marvels17:12 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 801
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut
before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz
and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled his head out and looked in the
mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease!
This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read "Manicures $10."
"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled
out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need
when away from their wives, 50 Cents."
"Oh, man...do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the
machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood
into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to
withdraw his member which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
Little Johnny17:09 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 804
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he
ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..." At this
point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt.
Russian and Redneck Wrestlers17:07 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 808
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research
we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this
'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in
that hold! If he does, you're finished - the Redneck nodded in
acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each
other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck
and wrapping him up in the dreaded "pretzel hold". A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face
in his hands, for he knew all was lost. he couldn't watch the
inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying
up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck
collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone,
he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own testicles."
Polish Divorce17:04 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 811
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect,
and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce
would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover"
Animal Pictures17:03 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 812
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on
this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized
the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
Twenty Dollars
03:07 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 819
I KNOW,I KNOW, ITS BAD, BUT ITS FUNNY TOO
>>TWENTY DOLLARS
>>
>>On their wedding night, the young bride
>>approached her new
>>husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
>>lovemaking encounter. In
>>his highly aroused state, her husband readily
>>agreed.
>>
>> This scenario was repeated each time they made
>>love, for more
>>than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
>>cute way for her to
>>afford new clothes and other incidentals that
>>she needed.
>>
>>Arriving home around noon one day, she was
>>surprised to find
>>her husband in a very drunken state.
>>During the next few minutes, he explained that
>>his employer
>>was going through a process of corporate
>>downsizing, and he had
>>been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
>>59, he'd be able to find
>>another position that paid anywhere near what
>>he'd been earning, and
>>therefore, they
>>were financially ruined.
>>
>>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
>>showed more than thirty
>>years of steady deposits and interest totaling
>>nearly$1 million. Then she
>>showed him certificates of deposits issued
>>by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
>>and informed him that they
>>were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
>>
>>She explained that
>>for the more than
>>three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
>>these holdings had multiplied
>>and these were the
>>results of her savings and investments.
>>Faced with evidence of cash and investments
>>worth over $3
>>million, her husband was so astounded he could
>>barely speak, but
>>finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
>>I'd had any idea what you
>>were doing, I would have given you all my
>>business!"
>>
>> That's when she shot him.
>>
>> You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
>>to keep their mouths shut.
Rules for entering Kansas03:04 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 820
RULES TO ENTER KANSAS
Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
Learn & remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up.
You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your
Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & feed lots.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it.
Don't like it?
I-70 goes east and west,
I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car.
We're impressed.
We have $200,000 combines
that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish and mountain oysters.
You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest
Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.
10. No, there's no
"vegetarian special"
on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad
and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three
main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup .
12. You bring "coke" into my house,
it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,
she better be cute,
know how to shoot, drive
a truck, and have long hair.
13. High School Football is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks,
and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards -
it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try K-State or KU or a bunch a' others.
They come outa there with an education
plus a love for God and country, and they still
wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
16. Anhydrous Ammonia is used as a fertilizer!
Let us catch you trying to "cook" something
with it and we will "cook" your
you-know-what!
"Kansas can make it without the United States,
But the United States can't make it
without Kansas -
We feed them all!"
U all come back now, U hear !
you never know03:04 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 821
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
A few weeks ago a woman was killed in an auto accident. She was very well
liked, so the office shut down for her funeral and it was on the news and so on.
On the day the workers came back to work, they found this poem in their e-mail
that the deceased woman had sent on Friday before she left for home.
"If tomorrow starts without me, And I'm not there to see, If the sun should
rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, While thinking of the
many things, We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, As much as I love you, And each time that you
think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand, that an angel
came and called my name, And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready, In heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave
behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I'd
always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do, it seemed almost
impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad, I thought of all
that we shared, And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while, I'd say good-bye and kiss
you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, That this could never be, For emptiness and
memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow, I thought of
you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home. When God
looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you." Today your life on
earth is past, but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last, and since each day is the
same way, There's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, For every
time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart
Guidance Issued for the Approaching Hurricane Season
03:03 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 822
Guidance Issued for the Approaching Hurricane Season
Miami AP UPI Reuters Wire Services June 26, 2006
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Texas. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Texas. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Texas, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages: Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska. "Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Texas" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Texas tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 FLASHLIGHTS... and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what The bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come..........Really!
For all you LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)03:01 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 823
For all you LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)
*******************
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count
that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
New Boots
03:01 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 824
Margaret and Bert, an elderly couple, live in California. Bert has
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife; "Notice anything different
about me?"
Margaret looks him over and says "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bedroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room, completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW!"
Margaret looks up and says; "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells; AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"
"Nope" she replies.
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!
Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Bert, you shoulda bought a hat.
Out of the mouths of babes
03:00 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 825
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
a plan !
02:59 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 826
>> My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal
>> immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to
>> illegal immigrants or not, etc.
>>
>> Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the
>> Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve
>> the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal
>> immigrant problems.
>>
>> I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and
>> cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home
>> to spend it.
> ;>
>> I love it when a plan comes together.
>>
Warning!!!! Please Read!!!!!
02:57 Aug 14 2006
Times Read: 827
Don't forget to click on the beer demo at the bottom of the story ..........
Warning!!!! Please Read!!!!!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume
a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex .
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning t o every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!14:32 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 838
DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what?)
POSSIBLY THE SADDEST E-MAIL EVER14:30 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 839
POSSIBLY THE SADDEST E-MAIL EVER
Friendship Week14:27 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 840
TOO FUNNY14:24 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 844
A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
>
>
> When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. You are back so soon...
>
> Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired. We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.
>
> "Well, the first week was difficult...however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower." "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to sustain. "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
>
> "One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.
>
> It lasted for over half an hour, and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
>
> The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."
>
>
> "We know", said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at
> Home Depot either."
>
>
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?"14:21 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 847
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE INJAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE INMEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE.! France!!) and turned on his TV(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.. AMERICA.....
Nude Runner14:19 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 848
>A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
>and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
>heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
>"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
>husband's home early!"
>"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
>"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's
>got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
>So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
>window!
>As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
>had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
>running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
>Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
>as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
>been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
>"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
>"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
>Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
>with you under your arm?"
>Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
>right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
>Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,
>"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
>"Nope.........just when it's raining.
Funneral14:19 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 850
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>
>
>
>Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
>heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
>
>
>At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
>stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
>funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."
>
>
>
>That's when the proctologist fainted.
Married Man14:16 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 852
> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
>
>
> I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words&n bsp;'I do.'
>
>
> Here's an example of what I mean. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
>
> I said 'WHAT????!!! What was that?!'
>
> So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
>
>Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
>The very next day I opted to take the day off&nbs p;from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. ;where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
>
>Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
>
>She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier'.
>
>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
>
>Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT???!!!'
>
>I then said, 'Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
>
>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
>
BLONDE JOKE14:12 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 853
Wouldn't you know it, the most recent BLONDE joke would have to be about a Good old, Smart, Kentucky Girl!!!!
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the
behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
Turner Brown14:07 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 854
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this BIG African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,looks down and
says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, ."Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says,
"What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY
did
you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left
testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn Around."
Parents
14:03 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 855
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma , Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including! trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in ! case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
For the Man14:01 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 857
Date Application13:57 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 858
-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#1095 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
Date Application
=================
You have seen them...
the "young men," "love of my life"...your daughters bring home?
Well, now it's time to cover yourselves and protect your
daughters' well being. Although it's meant in pure fun...
many of you MAY want to take it serious. Have fun with it.
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:________________________Nickname/Alias:____________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____
Height:______
Weight:______
I.Q.:______
G.P.A.:________
Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
Home Address:__________________________________
City/State/Zip_________________________________
Home Phone#: (___)___________
Cell Phone#:_______________
Pager#:__________
Do you own
a. Van?____
b. Truck with oversized tires?____
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring_____
b. nose ring______
c. belly button ring_____
or piercings on any other body parts_____
Explain:__________________________________________________
Tattoo?______
(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue
and leave the premises immediately.)
In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to
you?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Church you attend_____________________
How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________
Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be
confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken is:
________________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is
________________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions
dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application.
It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your
head low and running in serpentine fashion.
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct
to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death,
dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.
_______________________________________
Signature (This means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for
processing. If your application is approved, you will be
contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could
cause you unexpected injury.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men
wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.
The Farmer and the College Student13:55 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 859
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young Man drives in and comes to the door.
>
> "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of Milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out And got some milk?"
>
>
>
> "You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
>
> "Oh yes you can, " said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
>
>
>
> "Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
>
> He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with Two buckets full of milk.
>
>
>
> The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch When the same young man drove up.
>
>
>
> "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fencerow. I Wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
>
>
>
> "You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.
>
>
>
> Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
>
>
>
> Soon the young man came back to his car with two Buckets full of honey.
>
>
>
> The next day the same young man drove up to the Farmer's' house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the Honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the Creek."
>
>
>
> The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you...."
>
>
>
>
>
> Something To Think About Today............
>
> Keep smiling--it makes other people wonder what you've been up to!!!!
>
>
> Hope you have a wonderful day.....Joe
>
>
Purina Diet
13:53 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 860
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of
Purina at
> Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I
had
> a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
> again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital
> last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care
> ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it
> works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one
> or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally
complete.
> So,
I was going to try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now
> enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
> Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been
> sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
>
> The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted
from
> laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.
Run Through The Rain13:49 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 862
>A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been
>6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.
>It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain
>gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down
>the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of
>the Target.
>
>We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their
>hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound
>and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.
>Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a
>welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
>
>The little voice was so sweet as! it broke the hypnotic trance we were all
>caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.
>"What?" Mom asked.
>
>"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.
>
>"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
>
>This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run
>through the rain,"
>
>"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
>
>"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl
>said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
>
>This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?
>
>"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you
>said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
>
>The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything
>but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few
>minutes. !
>Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some
>would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore
>what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's
>life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into
>faith.
>
>"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's
>us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.
>
>Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they
>darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping
>bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed
>by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
>
>And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
>
>Circumstances or people can take a! way your material possessions, they can
>take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can
>ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and
>take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a
>season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
>I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN
Sons13:31 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 866
For those of you who have sons & those of you who are happy that you don't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.)Spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will show this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD13:29 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 867
> > > I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
> > > the
>local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
>Crossing sign on our road. The reason? "Too many deer were being hit by
>cars," and he didn't want them to cross there anymore This one was from
>Kingman, Kansas.
> > >
> > > IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
> > > My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
> > > asked
>the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
>sorry,
>but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
> > >
> > > IDIOT SIGHTING
> > > I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport
>employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
>knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it
>was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and
>nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Alabama.
> > >
> > > IDIOT CROSSING
> > > The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
> > > street.
>I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when
>she
>asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
>people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
>blind people doing driving?" She was a probation officer in Wichita,
>Kansas.
> > >
> > > IDIOT TALKING
> > > At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
> > > leaving
>the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
>"This is
>fun. We should do this more often!" Not a word was spoken. We all just
>looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was
>a bunch at Texas Instruments.
> > >
> > > IDIOT WORKING
> > > I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
>itself, and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
>would
>not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's Office, no less.
> > >
> > > IDIOT WORKING 2
> > > When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
> > > up
>our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
>service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
>driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
>tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
>announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I
>already got that side." This was at the Chevy dealership in Rock Hill,
>South Carolina!
> > >
> > >
> > > They walk among us... AND REPRODUCE!
>
>
Senior Humor
13:26 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 868
> Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
> Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
> do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered,
> "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
> Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
> where to find my hearing aid."
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
> ________________________________
>
>
>
> When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
> paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
> No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
> and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
> not gonorrhea."
>
> Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
> died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
> remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
> ________________________________
>
>
>
>
>
> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
> standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
> and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
> find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
> that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
> went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir,
> sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
> We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
> in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The oldan faxed back:
> "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
>
>
>
>
> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
> the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
> when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
> faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
> alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
> ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
> carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the
> husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
>
>
>
>
> When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
> said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
> morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
> freshly ground coffee."
> I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade
> soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for
> half the afternoon.
> I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a
> gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me
> until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
> She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
> ________________________________
>
>
>
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
> they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
>
>
> One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
> time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
> but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
> glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
> her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> THE SENILITY PRAYER
> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
> and the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
Your Stripper Name13:23 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 870
See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends: We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
Please don't be a prude and ruin it.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have alot more stressful days than not.
> >> >
> >> > Here is your dose of humor...
> >> > A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
> >> > B. Once you have your new name, tell it to your friends and family and co-workers.
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
> >> > a = Fantasia
> >> > b = Chesty
> >> > c = Starr
> >> > d = Diamond
> >> > e = Montana
> >> > f = Angel
> >> > g = Sugar
> >> > h = Mimi
> >> > i = Lola
> >> > j =Kitty
> >> > k = Roxie
> >> > l = Dallas
> >> > m = Princess
> >> > n = Heidi
> >> > o = Bambi
> >> > p = Bunny
> >> > q = Brandy
> >> > r = Sugar
> >> > s = Candy
> >> > t = Raquelle
> >> > u = Sapphire
> >> > v = Cinnamon
> >> > w = Blaze
> >> > x = Trixie
> >> > y = Isis
> >> > z = Jade
> >> >
> >> > 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
> >> > a = Leather
> >> > b = Dream
> >> > c = Sunny
> >> > d = Deep
> >> > e = Heaven
> >> > f = Tight
> >> > g = Shimmer
> >> > h = Velvet
> >> > i = Lusty
> >> > j = Harley
> >> > k = Passion
> >> > l = Dazzle
> >> > m = Dixon
> >> > n = Spank
> >> > o = Glitter
> >> > p = Razor
> >> > q = Meadow
> >> > r = Glitz
> >> > s = Sparkle
> >> > t = Sweet
> >> > u = Silver
> >> > v = Tickle
> >> > w = Cherry
> >> > x = Hard
> >> > y = Night
> >> > z = Amber
> >> >
> >> > 3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
> >> > a = hooter
> >> > b = horn
> >> > c = tower
> >> > d = fire
> >> > e = thighs
> >> > f = hips
> >> > g = side
> >> > h = jugs
> >> > i = shock
> >> > j = cocker
> >> > k = brook
> >> > l = tush
> >> > m = sizzle
> >> > n = ridge
> >> > o = kiss
> >> > p = bomb
> >> > q = cream
> >> > r = thong
> >> > s = heat
> >> > t = whip
> >> > u = cheeks
> >> > v = rock
> >> > w = hiney
> >> > x = button
> >> > y = lick
> >> > z = juice
RED MARBLES13:19 Aug 02 2006
Times Read: 871
Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone & feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas & new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller & the ragged boy next to me.
" Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas . sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?"
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it."
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue & I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"
"Not zackley . but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you & next trip this way let me look at that red marble."
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, & they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all & he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."
I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, & their bartering.
Several years went by, each more rapid that the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community & while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening & knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased & to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform & the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits & white shirts ... all very professional looking.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed & smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her & moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly & placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs Miller. I told her who I was & mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand & led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.! They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt."
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Today .... I wish you a day of ordinary miracles . ... A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself .. An unexpected phone call from an old friend . Green stoplights on your way to work . The fastest line at the grocery store . A good sing-along song on the radio . Your keys right where you left them.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them, But an entire life to forget them.
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