The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Banana Man
14:12 Apr 28 2006
Times Read: 657


Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate









































A Banana a day keeps the doctor away.

Is that how the saying goes?





You've been flashed by the Banana Man!!!

Pregnant Blonde Joke
16:32 Apr 26 2006
Times Read: 667






My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other

day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I

thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.



When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"



I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."



She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and

down, when she told me that she was pregnant!



I was ecstatic!



We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips

and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"



Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."



I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just



one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"



Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how



she knew. She said.....



(You're going to love this!)





"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a

home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

Funny I just had to share
16:11 Apr 26 2006
Times Read: 669

Don't Mess With Mom





My son came home from school one day,

with a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

to put me in my place.



"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today,

The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'



It says I need not clean my room,

don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think,

or speak, or what to wear.



I have freedom from religion,

and regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

and I sure don't have to pray.



I can wear earrings if I want,

and pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

get tattoos from head to toe.



And! if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges,

with the marks on my behind.



Don't you ever touch me,

my body's only for my use,

not for your hugs and kisses,

that's just more child abuse.



Don't preach about your morals,

like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control,

And it's illegal too!



Mom, I have these children's rights,

so you can't influence me,

or! I'll call Children's Services Division,

better known as C.S.D."







Mom's Reply and Thoughts



Of course my first instinct was

to toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

made me think a little more.



I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

he's messing with a pro.



Next day I took him shopping

at the local Goodwill Store.

I told him, "Pick out all you want,

there's shirts & pants galore.



I've called and checked with C.S.D.

who said they didn't care

if I bought you K-Mart shoes

instead of those Nike Airs.



I've canceled that appointment

to take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. is unconcerned

so I'll decide what's best."



I said "No time to stop and eat,

or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

to make yo! ur own sack lunch.



Just save the raging appetite,

and wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

a favorite dish of mine."



He asked "Can I please rent a movie,

to watch on my VCR?"

"Sorry, but I sold your TV,

for new tires on my car.



I also rented out your room,

you'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires

just a roof over your head.



Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

will buy me something neat.



I'm selling off your jet ski,

dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the 'Parents' Bill of Rights',

It's in effect today!



Hey, hot shot, are you crying,

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

instead of C.S.D..?"





from a MOM (Mean Old Mother.)

Girls
02:15 Apr 25 2006
Times Read: 674

----------------Girls----------------------------

------- -----are like apples-------------------

--------on trees. The best ones-----------

------are at the top of the tree.--------

----The boys dont want to reach------

---for the good ones because they ------

-are afraid of falling and getting hurt.----

Instead, they just get the rotten apples-

---from the ground that aren't as good,

but easy. So the apples at the top think

-something is wrong with them, when in

--reality, they're amazing. They just

---have to wait for the right boy to-------

----- come along, the one who's-----------

----------- brave enough to-----------------

-----------------climb all----------------------

----------------- the way---------------------

-----------------to the top--------------------

---------------- of the tree.------------------

Grandpa's Viagra
03:33 Apr 21 2006
Times Read: 683






Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.



Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.



His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."



Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"



His son replied, "$10 each."



Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.



The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"



Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

What Tree Did You Fall From
04:02 Apr 17 2006
Times Read: 694

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and

>somewhat

>accurate.

>

>Then send it to all your friends,so they can find out what tree they fell

>from, but don't forget to change the subject line to your tree.

>

>Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree

>Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree

>Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree

>Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree

>Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree

>Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree

>Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree

>Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree

>Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree

>Mar 21 (only) -Oak Tree

>Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree

>Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree

>Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree

>Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree

>May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree

>May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree

>May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree

>Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree

>Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree

>Jun 24 (only) ! - Birch Tree

>Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree

>Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree

>Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree

>Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree

>Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree

>Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree

>Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree

>Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree

>Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree

>Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree

>Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree

>Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree

>Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree

>Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree

>Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

>Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree

>Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree

>Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree

>Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree

>YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)

>

>Apple Tree -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and

>attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive,

>loyal in

>love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very

>generous,

>many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

>

>Ash ! Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive,

>demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent,

>restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands

>attention, needs love and much emotional support.

>

>Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks,

>materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good

>leader, takes

>no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on

>keeping

>fit (diets, sports, etc.).

>

>Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,

>unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the

>vulgar, loves

>life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination,

>little

>ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

>

>Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes

>unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look

>down on

>others, self-confident, a great spea! ker, determined, often impatient,

>likes

>to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits

>for

>the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

>

>Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,

>well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born

>diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard

>worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely

>family

>oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

>

>Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what

>life

>has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content,

>optimistic wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection,

>hates

>loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful,

>quick-tempered at

>times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be

>needed.

>

>Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest

>demands, tends no! t to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not

>to

>obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others,

>noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

>

>Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed,

>honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard

>worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and

>animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic

>talent and

>great intelligence.

>

>Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well,

>loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to

them,

>hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness

>after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish,

>many

>friends, very reliable.

>

>Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very

>demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a

>lasting impression, acti! ve fighter for social causes and politics,

>popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a

>precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness

>

>Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and

>condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as

>possible,

>leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and

>acknowledgment in

>an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its

>feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very

>conscientious.

>

>Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes

>out,

>but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates

>fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is

>actually

>soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and

>friends,

>has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a

>complainer, great leadership qualit! ies, is jealous at times but

>extremely loyal.

>

>Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of

>imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious; proud,

>self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many

>complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to

>im

>press.

>

>Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,

>independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground,

>person of

>action.

>

>Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable,

>balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm,

>well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy,

>loves to read

>and the company of sophisticated people.

>

>Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and

>harmony,

>loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not

>fashion

>conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, ! falls strongly in love

but

>will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem,

>needs

>affection and reassurance.

>

>Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very

>self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and

>pleasant

>surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic

>nature,

>good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any

>situation,

>takes partnership seriously.

>

>Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without

>egoism,

>likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even

>complications,

>is both dependent and independent, good taste, extremely generous,

>artistic,

>passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

>

>Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of

contrasts, often

>egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions,

>spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon

>partner,! not

>always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and

>passionate, no compromise.

>

>Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life,

>full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything

>beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic

places, restless,

>capricious,

>honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured,

>sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that

>one

>loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

Letters To God
03:57 Apr 17 2006
Times Read: 695

A Nun asked her class to write notes to God.

Here are some they handed in:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:



I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:



I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:



Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:



Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Who draws the lines around the countries?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Thank You for the babybrother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

Oh, to be 6 again?
03:55 Apr 17 2006
Times Read: 696

THE GREATER THE OBSTACLE, THE MORE GLORY IN OVERCOMING IT!! A

man

> > >was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing

> > > his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in

> > >

> > > the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he

> > >

> > > asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd

> > >

> > > like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

> > >

> > > On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made

> > >

> > > her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took

> > >

> > > her to Six Flags theme park.

> > >

> > > What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the

> > >

> > > Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster

> > >

> > > Roller Coaster,... everything there was. Five hours

> > >

> > > later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head

> > >

> > > was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

> > >

> > > He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her

> > >

> > > a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

> > >

> > > Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and

> > >

> > > her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure !

> > >

> > > Finally she wobbled home with her husband and

> > >

> > > collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife

> > >

> > > with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well

> > >

> > > Dear, what was it like being six again ??

> > >

> > > Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.

> > >

> > > I meant my Dress Size, you dummy !!

> > >

> > > The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
16:08 Apr 13 2006
Times Read: 702






We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:



Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.



On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.



Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.



Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.



"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."



"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"



"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."



So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.



Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.



It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.



Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.



When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.



Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,



which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!



Why is it that only the women laugh at this?



Hope your week is better than his

Riddles I Moved From My Profile
15:13 Apr 11 2006
Times Read: 712

What question can you never answer yes to?



Answer to riddle if you message me for it.











I have a Christmas question for you.



If you were to receive the gifts that are given in the Christmas song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" How many presents would you receive?



Message me for the answer.









Why are grapefruits called grapefruits when they don't look or taste like grapes?



Message me for the answer.









Clue 1: I'm white, I'm round, but not always aroung.

Clue 2: Sometimes I'm half, sometimes I'm whole, sometimes a slice of me is all you'll know.

Clue 3: Sometimes I'm light, sometimes I'm dark, sometimes I'm both.

Clue 4: Everyone wants to walk on me, but only a happy few have.



Message me for the answer.

Things That Make You Smile
12:48 Apr 11 2006
Times Read: 715

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

>

> 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

> Unique Up On It.

>

> 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

> Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

>

> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

> They Take The Psycho Path.

>

> 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

> You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

>

> 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

> Dam!

>

> 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

> Polaroid's.

>

> 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

> A Stick.

>

> 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

> Nacho Cheese.

>

> 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

> Subordinate Clauses.

>

> 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

> Quattro Sinko.

>

> 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

> Spoiled Milk.

>

> 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

> Frostbite.

>

> 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

> A Nervous Wreck.

>

> 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

> Anyone Can Roast Beef.

>

> 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

> Right Where You Left Him.

>

> 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

> Because They Have Big Fingers.

>

> 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

> Because It Scares The Dog.

>

> 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
>

> 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

> The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

>

> 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

> Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

>

> 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

> A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!

> A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

>

> 22. How Is a Texas Tornado And a Alabama Divorce The Same?

> Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

>

> Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

Men are like....
19:12 Apr 06 2006
Times Read: 734

Men are like....







1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like ...Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like ...Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like ...Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure

why.



5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head



right for your hips.



6. Men are like ...Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.



7. Men are like...Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.



8. Men are like ..Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to

mature.



9. Men are like ..Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of

emotion.



10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little



while.



11. Men are like ...Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how



many inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like .Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the

rest



are __________. (you fill in the blank)







Now send all remarkable women you know and also send all understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to

know, to this journal entry.

A Fish Story
19:10 Apr 06 2006
Times Read: 735

Check this big bubba out. I'll bet he was never able to close his mouth again!



A Fish Story











A resident in the area saw a ball bouncing around kind





of strange in a nearby pond and went to investigate.





It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously





tried to swallow a child's basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!



The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive,





but unable to because the ball would always bring him





back up to the surface. The resident tried numerous times to





get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his





wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.





You probably wouldn't have believed this,





if you hadn't seen the following pictures...



























"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of



battle"

Chinese Zodiac
18:12 Apr 04 2006
Times Read: 753

THE CHINESE ZODIAC











The Chinese Zodiac consists of a 12 year cycle, each year of which is named after a different animal that imparts distinct characteristics to its year. Many Chinese believe that the year of a person's personality traits, physical and mental attributes and degree of success and happiness throughtout his lifetime. To learn about your Animal Sign, find the year of your birth among the 12 signs running around the border. If born before 1936, add 12 to the year you were born to find your year.





RAT

1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996

You are ambitious yet honest. Prone to spend freely. Seldom make lasting friendships. Most compatiable with Dragons and Monkeys. Least compatible with Horses.



OX

1937, 1961, 1973, 1986, 1997

Bright, patient and inspiring to others. You can be happy by yourself, yet make an outstanding parent. Marry a Snake or Cock. The Sheep will bring trouble.



TIGER

1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998

Tiger people are aggressive, courageous, candid and sensitive. Look to the Horse and Dog for happiness. Beware of the Monkey.



RABBIT

1939,1951,1963, 1975, 1987, 1999

Luckiest of all signs, you are also talented and articulate. Affectionate, yet shy, you seek peace throughout your life. Marry a Sheep or Boar. Your opposite is the Cock.



DRAGON

1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000

You are eccentic and your life complex. You have a very passionate nature and abundant health. Marry a Monkey or Rat late in life. Avoid the Dog.



SNAKE

1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001

Wise and intense with a tendency towards physical beauty. Vain and high tempered. The Boar is your enemy. The Cock or Ox are your best signs.



HORSE

1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002

Popular and attractive to the opposite sex. You are often ostentatious and impatient. You need people. Marry a Tiger or Dog early, but never a Rat.



SHEEP

1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003

Elegant and creative, you are timid and prefer anonymity. You are most compatible with Boars and Rabbits but never the Ox.



MONKEY

1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004

You are very intelligent and are able to influence people. An enthusiastic achiever, you are easily discouraged and confused. Avoid Tigers. Seek a Dragon or a Rat.



COCK

1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005

A pioneer in spirit, you are devoted to work and quest after knowledge. You are selfish and eccentric. Rabbits are trouble. Snakes and Oxen are fine.



DOG

1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006

Loyal and honest you work well with others. Generous yet stubborn and often selfish. Look to the Horse or Tiger. Watch out for Dragons.



BOAR

1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007

Noble and chivalrous. Your friends will be lifelong, yet you are prone to martial strife. Avoid other Boars. Marry a Rabbit or a Sheep.

Did you know?
16:51 Apr 04 2006
Times Read: 755

Did you know that:-



On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds

after 1:00 in the morning and the afternoon, the time and date will be

01:02:03, 04/05/06.



That won't ever happen again in our lifetimes.



You may now return to your (normal ?) life.

The little things in life.
14:39 Apr 02 2006
Times Read: 767

See if you notice the little things in life...



This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be

more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really

see!



There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all

our lives. The average person only gets 7 right. How many can you get

right? These little simple questions just might be harder than you think--

it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of

life.



Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out

of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!



Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go.

Check answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions.



REMEMBER - NO CHEATING or SNEEKING SIDE GLANCES !!! BE

HONEST!!! That

means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk....



Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the

subject line to show how many you got correct. Copy and paste into a new

e-mail for security sakes and then send to your friends and also back to the

one who sent it to you.



LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. - If not, just have fun!

Here we go!



1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't

know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9.

What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women' s blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening

between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch-tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no

digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or

clockwise?



The answers are below- so, scroll on down.













































































1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right.

4. Black white, red, blue, yellow, gold

5. 1 and 0

6. Right.

7. 20

8. Red.

9. 88.

10. Clockwise (usually)

11. Left top down to right bottom.

12. 12- there's no 1.

13. Left.

14, CCW (normally)

15. Some folks say 8, but if you count the front and back sides, it's

10.

16. Left.

17. Five

18. Six

19. Bashful.

20. Ten.

21. Ace of Spades.

22. Left side is standard.

23. The asterick and number symbols.

24. Three.

25. Counterwise.

You Think English Is Easy?
14:21 Apr 02 2006
Times Read: 769

You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end...a new twist to an oldie

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.



And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?





If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?





How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.





English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.





PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"



You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .



There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?





We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.





And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.





We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .



When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.



When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .



One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........... Time to shut UP .....!



Oh...one more thing:



What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P



When all other means of communication fail, Amateur Radio still gets through!

Heartwarming Story
14:16 Apr 02 2006
Times Read: 770








Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a

little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you

believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift

of our time.....



A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One

day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty

lot.



The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in

all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day

observing the workers.



Eventually the construction crew, all of them

gems-in-the-rough,

more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with

her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and

gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.



At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay

envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home

to

her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and

suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank

the next day to start a savings account.



When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and

asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a

young age.



The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew

building the house next door to us."



"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on

the house this week, too?"



The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot

ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."



Kind of brings a tear to the eye