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on the 17th i will be 30.



how exciting is that?

the fact that i'm turning 30 doesn't really bother me so much. the things that bother me at this point....feeling unsure about where i'm going.



the troupe is heading in a direction that i'm not sure that i can follow. it has been split into two groups. the professional side that gets paid and tours/ the community side that doesn't get paid and is basically on their own for fundage and does free stuff like festivals and well free advertising for the professional side.



i have 3 children i adore, a husband i love very much....these two things here prevent me from doing the touring thing. my husband owns his own business so he leaves unexpectedly and works constantly so it would be impossible for me to be on tour for a weekend or even a week.



granted our children are going to be starting school again soon...oh who am i kidding. it makes no difference.



i can still participate in the community group which is fine since i love dancing so much and connecting with the ppl we are performing for.



which leads me to my other issue.



i have moments where i feel really really low. i don't have any control over it. it just happens. my mom, my friend and her dad the psychologist feel that i have mild depression. little things overwhelm me and i feel helpless. when i hit these periods in my life i have a tendency to push ppl away. i feel unloved. i feel alone. like no one could understand how i feel.



NOT ONCE has anyone ever tried to reach out to me from our group. it was pointed out to me that maybe they just don't understand and so they pull away as well. ya know, even when i feel like ass if i see someone i care about hurting i do my best to find out what's wrong and find out if there is any way for me to help. these ppl were, or at least i thought, supposed to be my friends. it leaves to me wonder if they ever were. granted there are several other things that have happened along the way but there are too many to mention so i'll just...



my heart aches at the thought of me not dancing. i *love* bollywood with all my heart.

most would say 'just suck it up and go participate in the community group. who cares that you feel you don't fit in. at least you are doing what you love.' you know what they are right. i could do just that but being that i'm such an emotional person it hurts being around those that make me wonder if they even want me there in the first place. i always doubt. i always question. i hate not knowing. maybe i should just come out and tell them what is wrong with me and ask if they want me around. if they can't deal with me then it might be for the best that i step away.



i could always take up tribal bellydance again. it's not bollywood. :(



once again....



this is not a pity pony. no i don't want to give you a ride on it. i'm venting. the only way i know how.