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Existensial thought is something new to me.

I have heard existential thoughts my whole life from family members and other sources without knowing that definition of the school of thought.

So, until recently, what those thoughts mean have held no true value to me because I did not understand. I did not choose to understand.



My grandmother will say "Life hands you nothing, you have to go out and get it, son. Go get it."

I would shake my head and listen to her words. She would roll her eyes as if she spoke to a wall.



Reflecting on this, as focus changes.



It's one thing to live life, and let things go as they do. It is easy for me to substain myself. I have used my responsibility to endure as life around me takes it's course. It is diffrent to step up to the plate, and set that course to he passions of the heart. Often we find that circumstances are not as ... toleratable as they would have been before. The normal routine gets "shaken up", and the consequences might produce some less than pleasant feelings. This is okay, because that is what comes with taking command.



I have come across the art of existensial magic.

Where I conjure meaning and purpose, and use them to propel the will that creates action to affect reality. Instead of seeking out meaning like a lost treasure, I make it for myself.



I will be wrong, I will be ignorant. But I walk bravely into the great mysteries of existance. Do I know what The Force, or the purpose for the universe is? No. I doubt anyone ever objectively will. But in the face of an indiffrent universe, that does not care for my own being, I stand in oppossition. I stand in defience to microcosmic reality and say "I matter."

Nihilism is unacceptable either. I am the creator and constructor to the bounty of my life.



The change to emotional thought ss different. It is easier, I don't know If it is helpful all the time. My creed, listen and reading it, commiting to the ideas

have made some iteresting events.



Doing what my heart desires, using immediate actions all the time is not a good idea. I think I've successfully pissed of two of my co-workers in verbal conflict. The "look at the balls on this guy" statement been said a bit. Domestically, the shift in monarchy has made for some awkward silences, easy enough made up later. Doing what I adore, has me wonder what I am doing with other things that I don't.... the conflict of do I do this because I reason it or stop because I disdain it is going to come to a conclusion. And honestly, I'm not going to fold. I wonder if some of the maelstrom at work is being embraced or am I fighting it. Where is the line between constructively paving a path and just being combative? That limit is being tested.



Ran into some great anime that I used to love. Neo Genesis Evangilion!

I loved this show! It started of a Giant Robot show, but became more of a psychoanaliysis of the charecters. The show has heavy christian symbolism, kabbala and buddist overtones, just a list of philiosophical refrences made within the episodes and dialouges. The director of the anime used this media as a medium to explore his own mental conditions. I think this work is one of the best to come out the east, in regards to animation, from the late 90's and early 21rst. The endings are absolute mind fucks (excuse my french), and debatable.



The movie, End of Evangelion, retold the ending to make better sense of it all... alittle. When I first saw this I was moved. I saw this again and I understood it more..... now. Books, movies.... I guess they really are strings that hold together meanings we bring into them.



http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=997981563057184654#

The full movie



The part that spoke to me, that made me write abou it was the end:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDnvy4_rGzA&feature=related

Do you understand why he did it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXJ73Wsi3UA&NR=1