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8 entries this month
Continued....18:48 Feb 20 2006
Times Read: 626
Fantasy, Myth and Illusion
The major temptation to life's misdirection is how others can tap into your personal existence through their imagination and delusions. For instance if they start talking about mythological begins, places or realms not of this, you have the ability to go along with that which they speak of, but do you actually believe those things that you desire to be fact or are you in fact just creating a fantasy which is as or more interesting than theirs' so that you begin to "fit in." I personally see it more interesting to be one of the people that deny those temptations, delusions and find a more realistic sense of reality. The real-world is much more interesting than a world where all of the movements are known, which brings me to answer life's ever going need to have an answer to the riddle,
"Who are we here, What are we here, How did we get here, Why are we here and When shall it all end?"
Continued....17:56 Feb 20 2006
Times Read: 635
Chaos
It's the fog which keeps us from seeing clearly and that's which tempts us to no end, keeping us from our hopes, dreams, desires and the prime ruler to that which decides our experience-fate. No one person can see all the outcome of and situation which has come across their personal path. Even through the psychic approach there's a riddle within a riddle that is unknown, for if we could see, there would be no reason to be and we would cease to exist but ultimately become the "IT". There's no end to existence and therefore there's no end to the riddlement which devoyers our present. For any person that claims to have all of the answers to every outcome which would present itself, I call them a fool because we all know that every other individuals lessons in life have a great impression on all the situations' outcomes even if not unrelated to their personal issue(s).
We are all connected by energy the same energy which is ever-flowing throughout the "IT" (the universe). The single choices of which we are making within the every present is a path which is connected to, through and all around us. There's something that each of us must understand about obtaining enlightenment, I call them the "Four Faces of Chaos."
When an individual is answering a call upon a path of destiny a question presents itself hence the enterence of the four faces;
1. The simple answer; "YES" or "NO."
2. The question itself, being answered with yet another question. (Question within a Question)
3. The question having to be answered with both other questions and other answers. (Questions within Questions, answered by other answers within answers)
4. The question being answered by either or both a question and/or answer of another individual. (The fourth Four Face of Chaos is also the a perfect representation of the fourth dimension.)
Continued...
02:42 Feb 02 2006
Times Read: 680
Once I was a person,
Unique with my own thoughts,
Once I felt pain,
Nothing was trivial,
Nothing was I,
Always wanting more than I had,
Awakened by the mysteries which clouded my mind's eye,
Truth is all that this being I am can become,
There is and always will be a link between all of mankind, I'll refer to this link as the "collective" and call those whom have access to the knowledge the "awakened."
Religions (Paganism, Christian, Judaism, Hindu, Buddism, Taoism and so on) all have one major belief which follows a sorted structure all starting from creation stemming from "nothing" which in turn also means that nothing is the equalivant to the whole, but yet their priests and "holymen" all preach the facination that there's one super-being (God, Goddess, Devil, etc...). I know now that this method of mass-mindcontrol is a way to deal with the weaker-minded of society, a way to keep the population "in line" and when all else fails put a prize to be won at the end (Heaven, Hell, Paradise, etc...). People fear that which they do not know, most of society believes that if they do good and act as a productive citizen in the world, there's a special place for their souls ascend and objection to this behavior will send the "bad" souls to a less accommodating residence after life.On the other end of the spectrum there are people who choose not to believe in a "higher-being" than themselves and prefer to be called "atheists."
atheism (ā'thē-ĭz'əm) , denial of the existence of God or gods and of any supernatural existence, to be distinguished from agnosticism, which holds that the existence cannot be proved. The term atheism has been used as an accusation against all who attack established orthodoxy, as in the trial of Socrates. There were few avowed atheists from classical times until the 19th cent., when popular belief in a conflict between religion and science brought forth preachers of the gospel of atheism, such as Robert G. Ingersoll. There are today many individuals and groups professing atheism. The 20th cent. has seen many individuals and groups professing atheism, including Bertrand Russell and Madalyn Murry O'Hair.
Technically speaking they're right but at the same time completely wrong. Notice something? All belief in existence is both right and wrong. The truth is only that which the perceiver wills to see and know as their own personal fact.
Continued...
21:05 Feb 01 2006
Times Read: 686
On the opposite side of the religious spectrum the perception of the myth behind the existence of an ultimate “evil” opposing man’s idea of “good” is presented through the number (666) which is the exact alternative to the belief that (777) presents ultimate “good” or at least what is perceived as, by human organized religious followers. “If these are the numbers that explain the existence of “good” and “evil”, what are the “in-betweens”?”
Previous recorded science; provides explanation to the theory behind my question, for every equal instance/reaction, there’s a equal and opposite instance/reaction which if “good” and “evil” exist there must be a neutrality; for instance chemistry clarifies the residing factor an atom relies upon three parts; the nuclei, the proton and the electron. Thus creating a new need that theologists fail to accept as a fact.
In 1999; the Wackowski brothers wrote/directed the movie The Matrix . In the movie Keanu Reeves plays a modern day hacker, that somehow finds himself waking up in an alternate-reality created by man’s machines. I remember taking my friends to see the movie, over and over during the theater viewing times. It was interesting to find them all saying the same thing as I did about the film, “It’s a modern movie about hightech Paganism and a realist’s view about man having to come together to save the world from its’ own creations.”.
Within The Matrix; Andy and Larry describe the matrix as a hard-coded program integraded with the human race, designed to sustain life in a coma-like state to perserve the body energy as living battery cells. Neo; the character played my Reeves learns the existence of the program’s code, later can see it and manipulate it to create changes throughout the program. “Doesn’t that seem to take the term hacker to another level?”
Mathematically speaking; the universe is nothing more than energy, so, “What does that translate down to for mathematicians?” In 1938; Konrad Zuse produced the first computer that used the binary code; which was the offical day of when the human-race was not only able to see that code but also able to translate the conglameration of ones and zeros into a language that the computer compiled into tasks. As many other inventors in the past, I don’t believe that he would’ve known or even thought of the magnetude of changes his product would go through so well to take us beyond his imagination to where we are and where we will be in the future of technology.
Over hundreds, perhaps thousands of years, many philosophers have made us come to the understanding; that all creation consists of is energy when it all boils down passed the flesh, bone, blood and other chemicals which reside throughout our human bodies. Simply put our bodies as with all existence; breaks down to “pure energy” in essence on and offs, which can be ultimately translated to the same binary code that was used by Konrad’s machine.
Continued...
17:28 Feb 01 2006
Times Read: 694
At first the delusions were very overwhelming, I became fearful of the world and my surroundings. The prime-factor which I needed to find realism was to seperate the fact from the fiction. I often found myself crying out of control while I was searching through the experiences which I believed to be true events in my past, which I was extremely impressed on how much I actually did truly accomplish throughout my life. To quote myself a few years ago; “I feel as if I am a sixty-year old man stuck inside of a twenty-some year old body.”
People out in public became nothing more than mere pawns on a chessboard which I was in control of; every move they made, every reaction to another person they were communicating, every look they got from others in the surrounding area and how they reacted to my presence. Each and every individual was a suspect in my mind as being a character in my fantasy world of schizophrenic delusions. “What do I mean by suspects?”, you might wonder.
You see a schizophrenic’s mind doesn’t react to new things the same way that a normal person’s does. An illusion can not interact with others in reality or else they’re “real”, which in turn is the major advantage which I saw useful to me. I would ignore the “new” people until after they’d interacted with someone else that I’d been keeping an eye on.
I needed some way to refer myself back to each witnessed event so I began to keep a poetic journal of each person which I seen interesting to me. I continued to see my visual delusions as well as hear things that were not there but I chose to ignore them as Nash did in the movie.
Prior to the viewing of that film I was lost, confused by a world of mass delusions and imprisoned by homelessness and hopelessness. Memories of my family-life and all of the abuse filled my thoughts with depression. I was extremely suicidal and even made several attempts to end my life. It wasn’t until after my forty-fourth attempt that I began to see a reason to survive the life that I’d been facing. After hearing so many people’s ideas about life and religion I decided that I was going to find my true reason to live on.
Stricken by the cold and the depression of winter, I found myself sitting down in a restaurant located somewhere in Detroit, Michigan drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I pulled out a set of dice and started to write down each calculation which they fell into as I rolled them countless amounts of times. Suddenly the waitress came over to refill my coffee and accidentally spilled the steamy pot over the table and dripping on my leg. The very sensation of the wetness made me drop the dice and one fell to the ground. She bent over to pick it up for me as she apologized for her clumsiness. As she placed the die back onto the table, something hit me and sparked within my mind. Suddenly the need to write came over me and I pulled out my journal looked at the die and began to draw a cube. I glanced back to the die after the cube was drawn deep into the grain of the unlined paper and the dots became my focal point. I noticed that each side of the die was not only numbered but there was also a reason for their alignment on the sides. Each opposing side of die together equals the number “7”, I then asked myself quietly “What’s so important about this number in life?” Then I think to myself, seven is a very emphasized number in the bible, seven is seen as a lucky number, seven is a prime number, seven is the number which some religions use to acknowledge good or GOD...but why?” I stare at the die again. It hits me like a rock. Seven is the perception of the obvious side and the opposing side of the die, not only that but it’s the number which I have to see, meaning that I must exist in order for the “7” to exist. The idea that I am the perceiver of that knowledge came to me and I began to see this on an even larger scale. Mankind is the “cube” and whatever might be out there is the perceiver of that, which in turn means that something must be perceiving “mankind” in order for existence to be. As I came to that conclusion about the number seven, other numbers mentioned throughout the bible hit me then other numbers from other religions were drilled into my mind. I continued drawing all of the polygons which described each of those significant numbers.
Upon completion of the two page diagram a feeling of accomplishment came over me, I quickly gathered all of my belongings, called for my waitress to come over to the table, minus the spill, she was a sweetheart and very pleasant person to talk with about useless information. “I wish I had more money I would gladly give you a nice tip but at this point in time I am homeless and need every bit of spare change that lays in the bottom of my pants pocket. Thank you for being such great company even if it were for a short point in time. I owe you; not just for a tip but something more than you will probably be able to comprehend”, I quickly wrote upon a sheet of paper, folded it, placed it in the center of the table and proceeded walk out to the snowfilled streets. As I walked down Michigan Avenue I noticed a large jewish temple; suddenly, the only thought that flooded my mind was the symbol used in mathematics, “pi.” Then the memory which I had of the pendant that my jewish ex-stepfather wore on his necklace and how closely the two related in appearance. Walking up the steep steps I noticed that services were proceeding so when I entered the building’s main hall I sat in the back and waited for them to end. After their discussion; the rabbi passed by my seat I saw his eyes glance down to my pages of Hebrew translations and pleasantly smiled at me.
Obviously I wasn’t a jew so this was very awkward for me. I didn’t understand a word that he said to the rest of the attendees so I just stayed in back observing and waiting patiently, for what I did not know. He reentered the room, took a seat next to me and asked me what questions I had for him. “I’m Confused.”, I replied. “About what?” he asked me in a sort of broken version of the english language, as he reached for the two page diagram that I slid between the pages of the book. It was as if he knew that I was going to be there and now he was just confirming his knowledge about the reason why I came that day of all days. He pointed directly at “pi” and explained to me that the symbol is the equivalent to the Jewish symbol pronounced as “Chai” meaning “living g-d” which in turn is also the same deity which christians believe raines over the place known as “Heaven.” I asked if there was a number that was represented by this signil, “yes, 18” he replied. Actually it turns out that the acronym “WWW” for World Wide Web is also equivalent to the number “18” as well. What sparked my interest even further was the fact of how “WWW’ was equal to eighteen. You see the Hebrew alphabet is formulated in a numerological chart and (W =6) which means that (WWW = 6+6+6). The translation from number to alphabet really interested me, especially the meaning to why and how the Jewish word “Chai” was the same as saying the mathematic equation (6+6+6) which may be the link between Christianity and Judaism entirely.
Continued...
16:32 Feb 01 2006
Times Read: 704
Research tells you that the case studies have determined that the sciences of the human brain are not perfect. Medications are used to create some sort of opposing chemical which is supposed to stabilize the chemicals which already exist within the brain and throughout the rest of the central nervous system. Some of these man-made chemicals used in treatment of mental illnesses cause patients to suffer from major side effects. I was one of the thousands of victims who got worse while many of doctors used trial and error to try and find the right prescription to control my thoughts and cloud my vision of what they deemed delusions.
The major event which changed my life forever was the viewing of a Ron Howard film A beautiful Mind, inspired by the book written by Sylvia Nasar about the late Dr. John Nash the winner of the distinguished Noble Peace Prize for his work in General Dynamics. “How did this movie have an affect upon my personal life?”, you might ask yourself.
The movie didn’t it was the idea that a person diagnosed with the same “illnesses” that I have, had been given the chance to find the differences between a world of fantasy and reality. You see Dr. Nash had been diagnosed with both Severe-Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder, just as I was by the doctors at Mental Health Services.
Shortly after watching the movie; I heard rumors of Sylvia’s book, so I rushed to the library to check it out. I really didn’t think much of Dr. Nash until after I started to read the biography. Once the book was opened I found it hard to put it down. The context that I was reading began to catch my attention because words were very closely related to my own life.
There are many different mental illnesses and disabilities. Psychiatrist, Psychologists and other nero related scholars have gone through many years of education to acquire degrees as well as certifications for prescribing the “right” medications to patients with researched symptoms.
From my early childhood memories; I was prescribed drugs that were used in treatment for what we all know today as A.D.H.D. (Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder), a few years later I was put on other meds which were given to patients suffering from Manic-Depression aka bipolar, then by the time I had reached my adolescence I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and later also found as a rare case of which Nash was both Schizophrenia and D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder) formerly known as MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder).
My “symptoms” grew more advanced with each change in treatment that the doctors put me under. It wasn’t until I had been placed on a common anti-psychotic that I decided to stop taking my medications all together. I threw away all of the bottles and told my doctor that I’d taken myself completely off of them entirely. At first my psychiatrist asked me if I understood what could happen to me if this decision backfired on me.
I simply explained to her that I was sort of using myself as an experiment for my beliefs that my delusions were controllable and that the sexual side-effects were destroying my chance for a real relationship with a female companion. She listened to my logic and allowed me my chance to prove my theory. As time went on the sexual desires came back and I found myself in and out of short-term relationships. The only problems that raised from my decision to not take the medications were sleeplessness and the strength of my visual and audio hallucinations. The most testing part of me not taking the drugs was the anxiety and panic attacks.
My doctor was only worried about the common occurrences of me not taking the drugs; suicidal tendencies, homicidal tendencies and delusional influences clouding my better judgement. Her last words to me were, “Shawn, I’m standing by you in this decision to stop taking the medications. All that I ask of you is if you feel yourself getting worse than better please come back to me and we’ll get you back into treatment.”
On my search for a better reality began...
And so it begins... (just a teaser...)
16:29 Feb 01 2006
Times Read: 705
PREFACE
All throughout your life you’ve been taught from day one that there are many different sciences but that there are two primaries to those areas which are; the physical and the metaphysical. Early in life, I found myself unconfident with that conclusion and began my quest to find the truth of existence. I knew that all in all there was a universal answer to the riddles of life, “What made us and why?”
I was completely unsatisfied with what religions taught me and found myself dabbling more towards the sciences and logistics of math. Often I lost myself in the chaosmathmatics behind things that seemed correct.
My studies brought me beyond the normal thought of mankind as a whole, into a world fantasy and back out into reality.
My first task was to find the answer to how we exist and where we do. GOD was the link that religion gave me to follow. The puzzle to life was the perception of good and evil. The beliefs of man came to the conclusion of which there’s negative and positive. The problem with that notion is the fact that one must know the difference to know which path that they wish to follow in life. Two major questions fell upon me.
Life needs a direction? Interesting... Why would something so perfect need a reason or path to blindly take if all things are eternal?
Perhaps the answer lays in the depth of which “mortal thinking” man perceives the universe.
As you begin to read this book, I want you to open your mind and think on a level that is inhuman as I had to in order to understand what I was acknowledging as fact. There are a few things that may or may not defer you from seeing the same conclusion as I have; first of all, I am not a doctor, I am not an alien from some other planet or am I? I’m not GOD. I’m not even a close to being a computer, although the human mind is a very powerful biological machine, and lastly I’ve been diagnosed with the mental illnesses schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, which in turn may make all of this which I call “fact” simple illusion. I’ll let you decide the truth from the fiction.
I will soon complete the greatest book of all time...
16:26 Feb 01 2006
Times Read: 706
Throughout my life; from childhood on I've noticed some major changes in the way that my brain processes information and now soon I will deliver the long-sought after answer to it all.
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