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So, this guy and I about 5 months back broke up and such. Then our feelings eventually came back.. or have they never really left? But, anyways. We started sweet talking each other again, and then I finally built up enough courage to ask him out again.. He says, and I quote: I don't want to be in a relationship right now.. I like not being committed to anyone.

So.. I was like, then this past month has been pretty much pointless.

From then on I went off to fetch myself a little fill-in lover. Which is my current boyfriend now, who MAINLY was for only to make my ex jealous.. which successfully did. He wanted to get back with me and was trying his best to get me to break up with my boyfriend. But, now that I got into a relationship I couldn't just drop everything and get back with my ex.. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But, I really do love my ex and not my boyfriend, which is.. horrid to say the least.

Well anyways, so the other night.. I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning for a few hours or so. SO then I decided to write my ex a message:

So, I'm awake all night, which seems to be the norm lately. All because you, actually. Don't take that the wrong way, because you're not supposed to. You should feel honored. >_>;

I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling like usual for hours on end thinking of random pointless shit I can't do anything about. then suddenly I get a flash back of when we first met , when we were snuggling on that bed.. when I was staring at your chest and shyly glancing up at you every so often, remembering you pretty eyes. ♥

Then I snapped out of it, turned on my side and began crying uncontrollably. Upon realizing how much I actually missed you, I cried more.. knowing I might not ever see you again.

AND THEN. I remembered our one break up where I deleted you, and then you bitched me out about it. And, wrote on your status " Charlotte Claire B is a fat whore. " that made me sad, even more. If that's possible.. I remember that status every time I look at myself in the mirror. I pull up my shit to just below my chest and look at how gross and disgusting I am. It's amazing how little something can effect a person... When I read that it hurt me beyond anything you can imagine.

I love you Dakota. I know you may probably think that I don't sometimes, but I do. My god I do.. So very very much.

That's.. all I guess, for now anyways.. Just really needed to get it off my mind and let you know that.



So, a day after I write that to him. I was prepared to break up with my boyfriend and everything for him. But then. On facebook.. It says " - his name here - Is now in a relationship with - Ugly pig nosed, fat cunt here - . And, It literally enraged me.

I almost threw a huge ass fit, aha. But, I composed myself because acting childish wouldn't get me anywhere. But, I have decided to write this, to get some of my rage out. which isn't.. working at all that well... Fuck.My.Life.