Do I ever get my turn??17:37 Sep 02 2005
Times Read: 612
Last night, yeah what an awesome night. I left my ex's house b/c i can't really stand to be around him, b/c all he does is bitch. But since I got evicted I kind of sort of have to go there every day, b/c my dog is there and my shit. I dont want him to think that I'm using him, which in a sense I guess I am, but he told me it was cool even though he bitches about every freaking day. Ne ways so i went out to James' house which totally turned out to be a bad idea, i wasnt even supposed to come here last night. But I did b/c of my ex. Yeah well ne ways, to start from the beginning, I was at Tim's (my ex) and I was being nosey b/c I'm just like that and I found somethings in his phone. Of course I dont care that he is talking to someone b/c I'm so madly in love with James that its sick and pathetic. But what pissed me off was he wouldn't even talk to me about it. Like I know he is going back to his other ex camie, which I'm totally okay with now. Before it really pissed me off, b/c while we were going out he said that he saw her. But that was it, he didn't tell me until after we broke up that when he saw her that seeing her walk away was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. Yeah thanks a lot tim, i mean I at least keep my stuff like that to myself. I didn't think it was fair to tell him things that went on while we were together b/c I dont know. I put my everything into that relationship, i mean i fucking lived with the asshole for like 3 years so. Yeah I tried my best to make it work. And all he did was sit. Blame me for everything bad that was happening in our relationship b/c of past conflicts (I slept with his best friend, whom wasn't even his best friend, and we were not together at the time.) Ne ways, then he comes back and tells me that... Like all that work I put forth was for nothing. Just like now. All my hard work to show James just how much he means to me is all for nothing. One of those harsh slaps in the face moments. I'll get to that.
Okay so maybe I am a little pissed at the fact that he going back to her, but straight up I told him she is rebound material so i dont care. lol, which in a sick twisted way I enjoy thinking about it like that. I want her to hurt just like I did. But that's not going to happen b/c they are going to be so fucking happy together b/c they were together for how ever long before me and tim got together. And he still loves her. i know it!! But what pisses me off about it is two things, one she is his ex, so that means the whole time we were dating he was thinking about her. Two, they are going to dinner this weekend, something he never ever ever ever!!!!!!!! I want to emphasize never, did. He never took me anywhere, and oh now he decided that he has found the person whom makes him want to do all those things. I get pissed b/c i wasted 4 fucking years of my life with him and I all I get is nothing. I get to watch him learn from his mistakes and be happy with her. Something seems so wrong with this picture. RAHHHHH!!! Yeah he asked me yesterday what i had planned for this weekend, and I was like I dont know. And it was all b/c he is going to be taking that fucking whore out to dinner and they are going to be going back to his house. I hope my stuff there is like a huge fucking punch in the face to her. And what even more sick is that we (me and camie) used to be friends. Like way before me and tim knew each other. Isn't that sick. Like they were dating when me and her were friends. Funny how fate connects us to everyone whom may be significant in our lives. but other than that. I'm okay with that situation.
Now onto my James trip. Lol, I got here and James was like yeah you shouldn't have come here tonight. It was a bad idea that you came here. Tonight is not a good night. All b/c he got his fucking email from his fucking whore of a wife. Yeah she is a whore and I have ever reason to call her that. I can't go into details, but she is. Yeah well from like 10 something to like 11 something almost 12 he was on the computer reading her email and talking to her on the phone and typing another email back to her in response. The email is about why she did all that shit she did when she was gone, which to me, I wouldn't even care. I dont want excuses I want reasons. And if you can't give me that then I dont want to waste my time with you. Yeah this interesting, james is sitting right next to me and this is on the screen, yeah that was awesome, I just typed that whole sentence without looking. Wow i'm so fucking talented. Ha!!!! Ne ways, she is so fucking stupid and he is insane. And me well I'm stuck in between love and hate. I ____ him so much b/c I've been hurting and waiting for so long to hear him say I love you and mean it. And he doesnt seem to understand that. The reason why I guess I dont understand why he is doing all the shit he is doing when it comes to her, is b/c when my ex stole my best friend from me, i wanted nothing to do with either one of them. I didn't want to see them, i wanted them to disappear, vanish from this planet so i would never have to see them again. But james on the other hand is like sick and twisted. I love pain yes i do, and that's what (even if it hurts more than death itself) keeps me going. I can write about it and I bleed, I can sing about it and I bleed. I can smoke it up, drink it up, fuck it up, and I bleed. But never would I keep running back and ask for more of the same poison that makes me crumble and want to die. Okay that is a lie in a sense b/c i keep running to james like some lost puppy with no where to go. Yeah so while I was sitting there in his living room alone, I tried to write, I'll post it. That didn't really happen so, I decided to go to bed. I went to bed and he finally around like 12 something came in there and was trying to talk to me. Like I'm okay. yeah i'm fucking fine, I'm promise, in fact I'm super fine. (that's 70's show flashback moment) "No you can't be super fine, i'm super fine. I have a shirt that says so." Ashton. then the girl goes "you also have a shirt that says I'm with stupid with the arrow pointing up" "I hate that shirt, it doesn't make any sense. Who's above me?" Ashton. lol I love that show. Ne ways doesn't that sound like me. Yeah I'm sad.
After that he kind of suggested that I get up and come in there to talk to him, but he didn't ask so I went to sleep. I woke up this morning with this feeling of sadness, like always. I looked at him and he looked at me, i could see things were different again. I know he is going to take her back while I'm gone. He can't live without her no matter what she fucking did to him. He is sick I tell you just fucking sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss my chance in the sun again. And why do you ask do i stay and hang around, b/c I'm fucking stupidly in love and just can't let go. I'm so fucking sick and stupid myself that i think we all should just get together and be one happy family. The slap of reality is: He's never going to let her go, and all that shit that happened will never leave and I'll never have him. She will. Even if they are not together.
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