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I went to his house this morning for coffee and to talk. This is going to probably be the last cup for a good while. I'm going to miss this a lot. I mean we have discussed so much over a cup of coffee its not even funny.

His wife is back in the states. And I know this is going to seem unreal or even crazy. I'm not sure what is exactly going on with me right now anyway. I feel very sad. I am very depressed, i mean i even broke out my staind cd. And i never listen to them unless i'm sad and need to vent. But I'm happy for him. Happy! I still have this hope which will always be there, until I die. I do love him. i love him more than I anything. I love him for many different reasons. So if anyone reads this dont jump to some messed up conclusions. I love him b/c he saved me from myself. My biggest enemy. I am extremely stubborn and I dont listen ever. Usually i do everything my way. That's just who I am, but He always saw past that. He always stuck by me, even when I cussed him out on the phone so many times. He never gave up on me, he said he could still see this bright light coming from me. When we first met he said he could see this light, but he couldn't make it out, and then when he made something for me at work and gave it to me so i would cheer up. He told me it really shinned. I didn't know that even existed. I thought i had grown too bitter for my own good, much less for someone to love.

Well ne ways the point to this entry was to say that when i was there today she called to say she was in the states. I got to listen to the whole phone call. Which didn't bother me. I listened to him say I miss you and I love you. It sounded so... Its hard to explain.

But then we decided to go take a nap and afterwards we started to talk, and i was sitting there with him, and he started to stare off. I could feel him thinking, and I could see it. His eyes grew either extremely sad or disturbed. He looked at me and started to smile but I knew he was thinking. The significant of this is b/c you can never tell when he's upset unless he's really really upset. He wasn't really upset and shouldn't be his wife is in the states, she at home.

The smile he gave me was a distraction, a mask b/c he knew I had seen it. I confronted him about it and asked him, but he some how changed the subject. I will ask him about it later.

I dont know why I felt this needed to be said, i just needed to write. I'm sorry if this is boring.



This is going to be so hard.

Starting this journal entry sucks. I have so much to say, but not enough time to write it. I really need to go to bed. I didn't get shit for sleep last night b/c I drank way too much and stayed up way too late. I was so drunk that I called my ex up for a booty call and then when he got here I passed out or basically blacked out. It was a rough day for me. I cried all day bc I'm thinking way too much about my special angel and the situation that I put myself in. He put me on restriction. Lol, 21 and i'm grounded. He knows that seeing him is all i want to do. being around him is all i ever want. So much that i dont do anything but sit here on this damn computer to pass the time and i let my house go to shit. Finally he said i was on anti james's house until I cleaned it. I still haven't finished cleaning. But ne ways, I got into this huge finiacial rut and went broke faster than you can say skippity do da. So i had to call my dad which i havent spoken to in like months and ask for some money which i didn't think he was going to even respond back. But he did and he's sending me a shit load of money. Now i get to go to the birthday bash this sunday. For those who dont know what that is.. Its one of the radio stations big birthday party they throw every year. Sum 41, presidents of the united states, unwritten law, and hawthorne heights are just some of the bands that are playing that day. I'm so excited, a little bummed b/c james was supposed to go with me, but he's going to atlantic city with his buds. Balchelor party. I'm okay with it though, if he's happy so be it. Its going to suck not seeing him at work though. He's my reason for waking and going to work everyday. Even though i left early today b/c i couldn't do shit. I was still drunk and sick as shit. Feeling a little better now. I love him so much. Its sick.



This is the situation in head and heart.

My head is saying- He wont leave her and he will leave you and your friendship in the dust.

My heart is saying- dont give up, only time will tell. And if he does love you the way he said he did(he acts like he does too i'll explain later) he'll see what he is missing and come back.

But both together are saying dont get your hopes up b/c your heading for a heartbreak. Which I know. i keep telling myself that I just want him to be happy. But why can't it be with me. I make him laugh. He even told me things that you dont just tell anyone, things you say to the one your supposed to be with for the rest of your life. your soulmate. Which we both decided that we were best friends in heaven and he just left before me b/c i wasn't ready. Lol, for years we searched for each other, and he gave up and found someone, and I well I got a broken heart and a friend for life. I'm not ungrateful for the friendship. I love him to death. He even said I reminded him of a person who he thought was his soulmate but the time to be with her never present itself, b/c she with someone or vice versa. I'm looking at this situation and thinking okay and now here's your chance to gain that back, dont let it go. I hope he sees that. I told him even if i was with someone and he came back to me and said I realized i made a mistake and I truly do love you that i would leave that person no questions asked. Unless I'm with Brandon Flowers. God he is motherfucking hot as hell, and he's 22 too. GRR!! Last night he told me he wished he had wings so he could sweep me off my feet and take me far away from here. God he is so awesome. I just get so confused with that though and all of the things he says. I dont know what to think. He called me every chance he got today, till he got through and we talked. He's so amazing but he acts funny around me sometimes. I dont know. Blah!!! By the way i love brandon flowers too. The killers rock!! I'm going to buy that cd tomorrow or thursday. I'm so excited. Well i hope i got basically everything out. If not i'll post tomorrow. I have to go to bed.

*It started out with a kiss. How did it end up like this. It was only a kiss. It was only a KISS!!* Mr. brightside (that's me) The killers

The End Of Heartache



Seek me, call me

I'll be waiting



This distance, this dissolution

I cling to memories while falling

Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day

Waking the misery of being without you



Surrender, I give in

Another moment is another eternity



(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart



You know me, you know me all too well

My only desire - to bridge our division



In sorrow I speak your name

And my voice mirrors my torment



(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart



Am I breathing?

My strength fails me

Your picture, a bitter memory



For comfort, for solace

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart



Killswitch

Okay so... Where do I start... I know what has happened between me and my special angel is wrong but I love him. I can't even bring myself to say I hate him.. Even when I'm so drunk i can't see straight. I think i have a problem. I drink too much and i can feel the addiction growing stronger every day. In my blood, in my veins. Its growing and I can't stop it and i know that when she comes back I will no longer be able to control this that kills me. Burys my soul and destroys my heart. I love him. Why can't this be true, not just a fling. I know he will leave me and I will become nothing more than a causal friend, someone to say hi to when the time is right. I hate myself for what I have done. Never would I have done this, i was against this. He was too but it happened. We are soulmates and he knows that. He said so himself. So many times he has let go of the thing that meant the most to him. Only to find her. Now he has a chance again to be with what he once thought was his soulmate, another... But i'm different. but the same. How do i cope. What do i do> I am the mistress. Fuck this. shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!