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Its been a long time, but i think i have finally returned to the rave after quite awhile away. obviously, i checked occasionally, but i think i'm now back in earnest. between school, work, band practice, fnm, and a handful of time consuming friends, my free time is hard to find. but i have the superpower all college students share, i call it the 'who needs sleep' phenomena. now i will proceed to talk about things as though someone or anyone really cares to read it.



my first order of business is to apologize to my friends. my friends on here are nearly non existant, and i'll make this same apology to my non VR ones in person if need be, but i am nevertheless sorry. i have become one very lazy, self absorbed bastard, and i've left nearly all of my friends high and dry, wondering what the hell happened. i dont like apologizing over and over again (i've done that too much earlier in life) but still, i'm sorry.



next: i'm slightly closer to figuring me out, but still farther than i should be.



"the only constant is change" -Murphy the 367 lbs ninja/pterodactyl slayer



alright, since i can remember in life all the way up to now, i've finally figured out what it is that drives me, what i'm here for, what turns my eyes to emrald flames and my hands to hypnotic enteties acting of thier own accord (ok, i'm exaggerating slightly). i need to create. thats it, its that simple. i'm dreadful at art, other than a few flukes with lifted charcoal or watercolor landscapes, poetry is far from being my bag, i can write, but theres too much in my head moving too fast for the story to come out as it should be, and that leaves the one thing i'm actually good at: music. i'm more than capable on guitar, mediocre on bass, and i can sing way better than i'll ever admit to on most nights, and as far as i can tell, its what keeps me going.



life, love, stories, blood, and atropy: well, my life is all wrong. i'm not sure why i am content just existing, but i am. my best friend for the past i cant remeber how many years is changing even more than i am (or not, i cant use myself as a point of reference, i'm stubborn, but far from a static being) and he has chosen a life far different than mine. i dont smoke pot anymore, i just dont want to anymore. i dont drink, for similar reasons. i like making money, buying shit to support my hobbies, and whether i like it or not, i go to school, because its the only thing that makes sense for me to be doing. my best friend doesn't have a job, and his life seems to revolve mostly around partying, and all in all, not being as much fun to be around (if that doesn't make sense to you, i'll try to explain later). so, my other best friend, who is my ex gf and ex fiance, is one of the only ones i spend time with, other than 3 friends who i wasnt very close to until recently. so, when i look at that in a vacuum, its a little sad, but i look at what else is there and then become confused. i think i'm doing bad or failing every class i'm currently taking, and school barely seems worth the time effort (or the money) this quarter. its been a long time since i broke up with my on and off but mostly on gf/fiance, but i still havn't been in another relationship for quite awhile, or even had anything come up that looked like it could truly be such. i'm not THAT ugly, i'm not too picky either. i've ben told by friends (straight girls and a gay guy) that i'm the kind of guy any girl should want.(not appearance wise, i think thats an acquired taste, i mean the me part of me). statistically speaking, there are just soo many people alive today that the absolute perfect girl for me has to exist and be between the ages of 17 and 25. i think. i keep failing math classes. (also, by my logic, the universe is genuinly infinite, and chances are at some point on earths identical to this one we will technically exist identically to how we are, but maybe with some small trait different, like a tall version of me, which i dont want to see and thats that. also, there are these theoretical particles that abide only by the rule that they must at least travel faster than lightspeed at all times, and that we may be able to create a vessel, eventually, that could be surrounded by these particles and in theory allow space travel to anywhere in the universe. these particles may or may not exist, but they essentially are removed from this universe and dont have to obey its rules. could a quantum physicist out there tell me how in the hell it sounds safe to alienate yourself from the basic principles of existance? wow, i'm still great at ranting)

back to me now, the band made up of myself, my brother, and my best friend is just mediocre, and i feel the need to create many genres of music, not just alternative, so i feel i may need to move into not just one, but a variety of other things to keep myself occupied. i feel like i was put here with a nearly immeasurable amount of ideas and everything else in my head, and that i must get them all out before i can rest. i think genres like old punk, blues, maybe even a gothic thing thats somewhere near the cure....... again, i'm an expert at ranting.



well, thats were i'll wrap this one up. if anyone has actually taken the time to read it, tell me your thoughts, they are probably welcome.