TFF
03:26 Oct 20 2007
Times Read: 971
This was sent to me from GD.. during a time when I really needed the laugh.
^_^ Thank's man.
Ladies you will love this. Gentlemen please pass it on to your female
friends.
Subject: Wax is not our Friend
WAX is Not your Friend
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost
cried
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the
waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:
the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,
I'm
not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and
pull.
It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching
down
to the inside of my butt cheek.
(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip. ****!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted.
I think may pass out...must stay conscious..
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I
hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch. I am touching wax.
****!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my
foot
down.
DANG!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door.
"hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter -
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What
do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny
..
Notttttttttt
When Madadh is in your box...22:14 Oct 12 2007
Times Read: 1,011
...it's so good even the neighbors can feel it.
I love my house and I wouldn't think of trading any of you kinky people.
Sapphire is the shiznit! Proof is below. ;D
Some of it has been edited to keep it from being longer than it already is. I also did all of the work for you so you dont have to bottom to top it... read it from the top down. ;P
PhoenicianDream: Sapphy ♥ Are you wearing your sexay shoes? ;)
Sapphire: Roses are red...you smell kind of funny..now get yer ass on the street..and earn me sum money. Seriously. ..that'smy best work right there.
Sapphire: oh yeah baby..muh shoes is hawt. Nah..barefo ot..butmy toenails have little skulls on them;)
Sapphire: Your hand is big..My ass is hawt..so warm up your paws..and give it a shot. HAHA..addic tive,the limerick.
PhoenicianDream: Oooo skully toenails. That would look hawt strapped to my headboard.
Sapphire: heh...PD makes my girly places quiver in yummy ways.
PhoenicianDream: *purrs* I should take pics of my bed and post them in my port.. bondage toys and all. ;) Heh.
queenmorbid: That would probably get the whelps screaming to play with you
PhoenicianDream: o.0 Exept the phallic whip. I'll have to edit that one out. =(
Sapphire: send that one to my inbox ;)
PhoenicianDream: They can scream all they want. Screaming just encourages me further. >:)
Sapphire: PD is schmexy..she's sweet and she's good..if I had a weiner I'd have massive wood. Woot limerick.
PhoenicianDream: ♥ *drools* Sapphy wants my phallic piece in her inbox!
queenmorbid: Lmao OHHHHHHH I can see it now PD has em all tied up with whips out
PhoenicianDream: I'm soooooooooooooooooo putting that in my journal! :D Right after I change meh panties.
Sapphire: phallic is beautiful.
Makarov: Guys are so missing out right now.
PhoenicianDream: Nah, they're just too busy to type.. they can't keep up with only one hand. ;P
Makarov: I obviously can...
PhoenicianDream: Either that, or you're REALLY bendy. o.0
Sapphire: send bendy photos to inbox too.
Makarov: actually yes I am....lol.
PhoenicianDream: Sapphy if you had wood I'd guarantee head, and before I'm done we'd break meh bed.
PhoenicianDream: Please cc said bendy photos to my inbox as well.
Sapphire: HAHAHA! If you had wood, I'd give you some back..and let you shoot your spunk on my sexy rack.
PhoenicianDream: Sexy racks are well and fine, but I'd slather you head to toe and mark you MINE!
PhoenicianDream: *grins*
BlackLilyL33T: MAK! IN COVEN! NOW!
Sapphire: He liked to watch..he was starting to tent. Then the boss lady yelled..and to coven he went. HAHA
Makarov: Im torn...
BlackLilyL33T: Lol! Damn Sapphire, you're pretty good at that.
PhoenicianDream: It's ok... before he went... his job was done.. his load was spent.
Sapphire: It's all in good fun, have a coke and a smile. Sex has been 'round for a long f'ing while.
BlackLilyL33T: Someone's going to get stabbed in the eye, and I think Mak is first in line.
PhoenicianDream: Sapphy is good, and she's oh so hawt, she tickels me where she should, right in meh no-no spot.
Sapphire: He was having some fun. He was jerking with might..till someone came up and gouged out his sight. o.x
Sapphire: PD's got a spot..that drives sane people nuts. Makes them bend over quickly for a lash on their butts.
PhoenicianDream: A lash on your butt, my hand on your throat.... but I know it really turns you on... when I sound like a goat. o.0
PhoenicianDream: Ok.. me thinks I just got dirt-ay with it. o.o
mercury07: who sounds like a goat during sex? rofl
PhoenicianDream: BaAaAaAaAaAa.... um.. I mean no one..
Sapphire: HAHAHA! Goat sex is too kink..I'm a little afraid.But screaming and moaning? You're bound to get laid.
Makarov: I would do a sheep
queenmorbid: i am almost afraid to jump in the box on this convo...too weird
Sapphire: Mak loves sex with women, they oooh and they ahhh, but in private at night, he covets the baaa.
PhoenicianDream: I'll scream your name.. I'll moan like a whore.. but bring on the wand.. that's what I adore. ;P
mercury07: you people are all weird and need help but for some odd reason im enjoying ur perverseness lol
mercury07: *hides my sheep before it gets raped by one of you * lol
PhoenicianDream: Me thinks I want to be a black sheep for halloween. *blinks*
Sapphire: I have normal tastes..I'm not into sheep. Faced with cliffside or beasty? I'd take a leap.
LadyKowe: *steals hidden sheep*
PhoenicianDream: Taking a leap?? Oh what luck! I've always drempt.. o.0 Of the flying f*ck.
mercury07: *tazers ladykowe for stealing my sheep named BAAAAAA*
LadyKowe: *turns it into lamb chops and serves to the box*
LadyKowe: *feels nothing* Your batteries ran dead.
queenmorbid: I must really be missing Radu bad if I can be amused this easily
Sapphire: Jake rocks the utmost..he's sweet and he's deep. But when Jakey's away, QM's smitten with sheep.
queenmorbid: LMDAO Sapphire youre a trip
Sapphire: Yeah, but it's a fun ride:P
CountessMoon: Some times you feel like some spunk.. some times you don't.. spunk spunk.
Sapphire: I wub joo!♥ You missed the icky animal antics.
CountessMoon: hehe I wub joo 2 ♥ I missed the donkey show?
Sapphire: *hugs muh Moonie,muh PD, n muh Kowe* Woot...hot chick double stacker sammich.
PhoenicianDream: We hadnt made it to donkey....... yet
CountessMoon: Thatsa buncha ♥
ToiletDuc: Moonie..... I've got a donkey punch for ya... will that work?
CountessMoon: As long as you smack my ass first.. why not.
PhoenicianDream: Moonie came out... she loves to play... it's only for her sweet ass... that I'll actually bray. o.0
CountessMoon: Yes, I came out.. awhile ago... then that day.. I turned into a dykey ho. hahahah
Sapphire: Drewpy is naughty. Blood's rushed to his head. The Mada girls are ready..come jump in our bed :)
PhoenicianDream: I ♥ our house.. it's so full of kink.. but beware the master in the dungeon.. he'll stick it in your stink.
then Khay showed up.. and it got a bit more crazy.. artwork and all.. ;)
Fun times.
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