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8 entries this month
Here's what I have to say, and there is no way I'm holding back.
02:16 Jan 31 2009
Times Read: 588
Seeing as how you hate me.
And how this probably won't change anything between us.
And you won't talk to me in person, I don't give a shit anymore.
Here it is Shanika;
I don't hate you. I never have. You have just been bugging the living hell out of me.
And it's been going on for awhile now.
I was scared that I wouldn't be able to write anymore. But it's MY journal. And I can write whatever I want to.
And you have no say.
Here's my point of view:
From the very start of the year, you have been drifting away from the group. We didn't stop talking to you, you stopped talking to us. Care to disagree? I got at like 3 people that can back me up.
You suddenly have like 245347369 new friends. You ALWAYS went off with them. ALWAYS made plans with them.
I don't have a problem with any of them. What you do is your business.
But you can't go blaming it all on us.
Sorry we have lives too and moved on. It's not like we are going to force you to be our friend. If you don't even want to say hi in the halls, I don't want to either.
In the past you have said that I can really "Kick someone while they are down."
You weren't the first person to asy that to me.
And you won't be the last.
You say that I only care about myself.
No. Shit.
Who's always going to be there for me?
Myself.
Who has to keep who sane?
I have to.
Who's going to be my best friend till the day I die?
Bonnie.
And myself.
If you knew the first thing about me, it's that in my life I come first.
I knew that we wouldn't be friends forever. Especially after we broke up. But that's how the cookie crumbles. And I embraced that. I want to be friends.
But like I said,
I don't have anything to say to you.
Please, freak out on me saying that you want to be cool with me. And that I just don't give a shit.
Please. I want to be lectured.
Yelling at me in ENGLISH CLASS OVER TEXT doesn't scare me. And it doesn't solve anything.
I'm not going to come to you if you wanna work things out. This is me opening my arms to the debate. Who is right and who is wrong.
And that's how it's always been between us.
And that's how it's going to stay.
I can't trust you.
You know Alex Castillo? That mexican guy that liked me? Yeah, well, I didn't want him to know that we went out.
Sorry I'm not as open as you are about being bisexual, but that's how I am. I will tell the people who I want to know. I'll say it openly. But only to people I want to hear.
So one day he came up to me in ceramics and said "So... Shanika told me a lot about... you two."
In my head I thought "of course she did."
Out loud I said "okay."
I didn't want to hear what he had to say about us. I knew he didn't understand.
What we had in 8th grade was unbelieveable. I'll never forget it. And I don't want to. I was the happiest I ever was. I learned so much from that experience. But I knew it wasn't going to last. I miss it. But I'm ready for the future. Whether or not you want to be in it.
Stop venting on me your woes. I care, but I can't give advice anymore. To anyone. Ever.
It's not in me. Just like the inspiration to write, it's all gone.
When you read this, and I'm sure you will, come TALK TO ME. And have something to say. I'll listen. But it better be fucking worth it.
I talk about Preston way too much. Here we go again.
05:32 Jan 30 2009
Times Read: 594
Preston came to see me and Bonnie today. :)
lol he was being such a dick earlier though. I texted him saying "Come play!". He said "no". "Why?" "I dont want to". "All right"
I was sooo bummed out. I was starting to think that I was annoying him and that he really didn't want to hang out. But it's not like I could make him or anything, so it's not like I was going to force him or anything.
So Bonnie and I were laying on my bed talking and I was only wearing a tank top and her leg was like laying on me lol (Don't ask, that's how we are most comfortable.) And then--
"Presty!!! You're a dick! You are such a DICK! I thought you didn't want to come over!"
He like, just popped his head in my door! That's what he always does. lol. It's so cute.
It was sooo awkward. Because me and Bonnie weren't really expecting anyone to come in right then... so probably looked... really, really weird...
But anyway, I go and give him the bigggggest hug! And he said "I wanted to surprise you guys!" "You're a dick!" lol. What a poo head.
So he climbs up on my bed like usual and we just start talking about this and that, just catching up.
He got a girlfriend! But before I even knew it they went out and broke up!
Story of how;
*Preston walks in to see Girlfriend*
*Grabs boobs*
"Haha! I see you have another thumbprint here!"
"I'm so sorry!"
"...Fuck you bitch!"
*Preston walks out*
Yeah. So like, wow. He said he cried!! Like holy shit!! It would kill me to see Preston cry! He's such a sweetie!
But he's over it. We talk about how much we missed him and last time we chilled and all that.
And then like... a half hour later Bonnie had to go home. :( It was the first time she saw Preston in months!! It was sad!
So then we drop her off, and then just like, go back to my room and chill.
Somehow we got on the subject of MORP. The school dance coming up. I think it's like the equivalent to a Sweetheart's Dance. But I could not tell you for sure.
"Would you ever go to a school dance? Err, have you ever?"
"Yeah, but it got boring."
"It wouldn't be with me!!"
"Haha, oh yeah?"
"Yeah! Well, just kidding. I get bored way fast at those things.... *Gasp* YOU SHOULD GO WITH ME! As friends, I mean."
"How long would we have to stay there?"
"Not long... I know we would get bored really fast. We could go party someplace else if you wanted."
"A movie would be fun. And dinner. Maybe dinner first. Then the movie."
I was like... freakin' out right here. Not because it was like the whole date thing, just that he was serious. So yeah, I guess the whole date thing. Whatever. I was happy. Ask Bonnie. I was texting her the entire time.
"That would be so much fun! I would love it."
So yadda yadda yadda, talked abut how Bonnie has never been to one and I kinda wanna go cuz I wanna see her at her very first dance and all that. Talked about how I wanna go with the guy I like but not sure if it's gonna work out. Talked about how it's the day BEFORE he gets paid. Talked about how he would wear his Supah-Punk outfit and I would too and look like a total poser next to him. Talked about how much fun it would be to show all my friends "Hey, this is Preston! The one I always talk about!"
"Would I have to pay, or could you pay for me?"
It was an honest question.
"Well, I'll try to save money, don't think I can though. Maybe I can bum off my parents."
We decided we would talk about details later.
Text to Bonnie;
"I feel bad. Now that like... Preston would want to go, Angel is my second choice."
"Yeah. that's sad."
"But... it would be SO MUCH fun with Preston."
"Yeah it would."
Not that it WOULDN'T be fun with Angel, not at all. Honest. It would.
But... like.... (and I know this sounds horrible,) I think it would be funner with Preston.
Then we got on the subject of how he needs a girlfriend.
"Are you a good boyfriend?"
"I think so..."
"Well, do you care?"
"A lot."
"Do you like to hold girls from the back? Like hold her from the waist?"
"Yeah I do."
"...Why do guys like that?"
He shrugged. "Well I know it makes girls feel protected. I like that."
*First Guy Secret ^^^*
"Oh. That makes sense. It keeps us really warm too. Do you like holding hands?"
"Yeah."
"Do you like PDA?"
"What?"
"Public Display of Affection."
"Oh I know what that means, I don't get what the question means... Oh! Yeah, I'm not scurred."
"Scurred? hahha. All right... Let's see..."
And I just kept going on and on like that.
I learned a lot about him.
I. WANT. A BOYFRIEND. LIKE. THAT.
Then he told me the second Guy Secret.
He said that if a girl keeps asking them to go to some place, that sometimes the guy will say no, and so when they get in a fight, he treats them to that place!
Good hell I never thought of that! Not in a million years! Maybe some guys DO know what they are doing.
Then after that, I started to draw on his arm with highlighter. :)
I drew a mohawk guy, a four leaf clover sorta, a toxic sign sorta, Lazy (me) and P.C. (AKA Presto-Change-O, AKA Preston) holding hands as stick figures. lol! and a rainbow. :):) it was awesome.
Sometime during then I told him how I can see why so many people think that I like him because I'm seriously way flirty. But it's just that I love him as a friend. I told him that I only liked him like those 2 weeks in the summer. He knew. No fucking surprise. :) But he knows I don't like him and all that junk. Just hope he believes me. Because really, I don't like him like that! It's just that he's super, super hot! And I tell him that all the time. :)
Baaahhhh, I love my Presty. He just knows how to make my day.
I can't decide if things are good, or bad.
05:40 Jan 29 2009
Times Read: 597
So I held hands with Angel today. =D
But I got in a fight with Shanika. :(
And I don't know what to make of it.
Blahh, details later.
I don't care what you have to say anymore.
03:26 Jan 24 2009
Times Read: 609
But I can't express my feelings about you because you have a new profile on here.
YES, I KNOW.
Thanks.
Whoah. Indirect backstab.
02:18 Jan 24 2009
Times Read: 612
At it was from the person I thought would never hurt me anymore than he did. Stupid. Me.
Me: I don't want to sound emo and say that it 'hurt'--
Bonnie: But it did?
Me: ...Yeah.
Shane asked out Randi.
And seriously, he probably fucked a lot of things up right as he did that. He did that yesterday.
Randi texted while I was over at Kaycee's. (I really don't know why I go over there. I'm always single in someway or another when I leave. Seriously.)
She needed someone to talk to. Of course I was gonna talk to her. That's when she told me.
Randi: I'm starting to like this guy who is Canadian. And then Shane has to fucking ask me out.
Me: ...What?? Seriously??
(I couldn't believe it. Shane told me he liked her yeah, and we are over eachother. But we were like Cuddy Buddy's. And then like TWO DAYS LATER, he asked out my friend!!!!!)
Randi: Yeah! He walked all the way to my house and told me and asked me this stuff.
Me: And what did you say?
Randi: No of course. I don't like him that way.
Me: Fuck! I'm so sorry! What about the band??
(They are in a really lame band together.)
Randi: I don't know.
Me: It was pretty awkward huh?
Randi: You have no idea.
Soooo... I haven't heard the latest. I'll probably hear the conclusion sooner or later.
Eh. Love isn't for me right now I guess.
Too bad. I have so much love to give.
Fuck Jeopardy.
00:48 Jan 13 2009
Times Read: 629
And fuck Anderson too.
Why does she think that every activity/lab we do is fun? It's no more fun than book work. And if you don't do shit in that class, you get certin exceptions. Like you can listen to your music.
I actually do shit and TRY to learn, and I can't? While Gaysian can do whatever the hell he wants?
Whatever.
She can't teach either. I mean that. She just talks like we already know what she means. And you know how like at the start of the year teachers start with a foundation of stuff and kinda build on it as the year goes on? Yeah well no her. It's just like a jumble of "Blah Blah Blah, remember that from a couple weeks ago?"
We are trying to forget the experiences in that class.
Of course we don't remember anything.
____
So I had a sweet little talk with Angel today. =D
Over the weekend.. Let's just say I had very bad karma.
So I told myself over and over again that I need to fix it. I think I did.
"Okay so I have a story for you!"
"All right!"
*tells him the sink story*
"So in the end, all weekend I was having bad bad bad karma. And so, I have to tell you the truth. I do like you, although I told Heather and Shanika I don't. I didn't really want them to know and all that. But yeah, I think you're cute and really funny and great."
(He just laughed) "Yeah I wanted to ask you out last weekend, but I wasn't sure if you would say yes..."
"Well I don't want to rush things... I rushed into relationships with like the last... 4... of my boyfriends and every time things turned out shitty. So... I wanna get to know you a lot better!"
"Yeah I get what you mean. Me too!"
*hug*
"So how was your weekend?"
=D
We're chill.
Woo!
Preston.
22:04 Jan 03 2009
Times Read: 639
Blugh. We have been friends since the summer, and usually by being friends for so long, I just get used to how they look, and looks don't matter, you know?
And true, looks don't matter, Preston could be ugly as fuck and still one of the most awesome people I know. Really.
Last night Natalie, Maddie, and I went to his concert, yeah, he's in a band. Called Drunk As Shit. How cool is that??? lol!!
So that doesn't help that he's so gorgeous to me. He plays bass btw.
And he's super super super SUPER skinny. Which usually I would be like "Huh. Ew." about. But no, not with him. It makes him even more pretty. :)
Like with Shane, we are still friends, and he's 18... So I know nothing will happen between us, ever.
I just can't believe I think he's still so hot when we have been friends for so long. It's just weird to me. Eh.
Shane.
21:58 Jan 03 2009
Times Read: 641
I'm still attracted to him. We are still friends and I am COMPLETELY content with that.
How do I say this?
We still hold hands on occasion.
Hmm, that was easy to say.
And it's not like "Oh, I like you tons, and you like me back." It's like "Maybe someday in the future we will have a real chance together..."
If that makes sense.
When he came over at 3 in the morning over to my house on New year's, Maddie, Natalie, Shane, and I all crashed on my bed. Sooo close to falling asleep. Then my mom kicked him out to the couch. She rules the house. lol.
But anyway, His hand was under the pillow, and we were both sharing one. So I just slid my hand under the pillow, just to see what would happen. I touched his. And it's like as if on reflex, he just held mine. I was sooo happy. And I don't get why. I mean, he is my friend. And that's it.
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