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It was so weird. So in my last post I told about how Nic and Alex picked me up. Okay, later that night, I walked over to Shopko to pick up a few things. I was almost home and then I hear someone saying my name. Lalala, it was Aj.

Aj.

It was so crazy.

Aj became a major asshole over the summer. Getting high everyday with his stoner friends. Ditching Nic. Olivia. Brady. A whole bunch of people. Bascially, he's change, and not for the better.

He offered me a ride. My house was just around the corner, but whatever. Not the point.

We talked and acted like we just got done hanging out or something. It was so crazy. He didn't seem like an asshole at all. He seemed like... Aj.

So... again, I don't know what to think. Eh. I guess I don't have to think about it at all.



So later that night I was thinking.... Yeah, Tanner made me really upset.

But in the end, it was all guys who made my night that night.

Nic and Alex taking me home.

Aj, too.

And I was texting Taylor, and we talked about what if I got pregnant. He told me he would help. Seriously. He has a job, and getting a car soon. So if I was sersiouly pregnant, he would help. I can't say how much that means to me.

--Not pregnant, it was totally hypothetical--

So what made my night?

Knowing that there are a lot of good guys watching out for me. In their own little way(s), I guess. It made me feel on top of the world.

I know you won't see this, but thanks guys. Thanks so much. :)

I don't deserved to feel loved. I feel useless. Unloved, and betrayed. Lied to, remorseful, and hurt. Abandoned.

I feel as though I don't deserve to be happy.



I talked to Lanie today. Heard her side of the story. She could only hang out till about 330, so I was going to hang out with Tanner. I didn't really want to, I wanted to go home. But the look in his eyes...



Anyway, so we talked. She told me the story. And yeah, I guess I'm a little mad, but... I feel as though, if I were in her situation, I would have done the same thing.

I told Tanner that I didn't really want to hang out after Lanie left.

"It's okay. We don't have to."

"Okay."

"Why don't you?"

"I feel sick. I want to go home."

"Talk to me."

"About what?"

"Why do you feel sick?"

"Lanie told me a lot."

"I know. So what's the big deal?"

So what's the big deal? I thought. You told me that she was coming onto you, when she said that you were all over her trying to kiss her when she kept saying no. You know, I don't know who to believe.

"It still hurts as bad as the night you told me everything." No, worse.

"That was over a month ago. It's all said and done. Why can't you move on? Why does it still hurt? It's stupid if you are that upset about it."

"I don't know why it still hurts. I don't know. I've never had this happen to me before. I don't know."

"Well you can still hang out if your stomach hurts. You don't have to go home."

"I want to go home."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

I turned around and started walking. And that was that.

As I was walking through the parking lot, I saw Alex and all his friends. Lexi, Mike, Kyle. A bunch of people. I was hoping they wouldn't see me sniffling a lot. I was trying my hardest not to cry.

I was almost the whole way home, passing by Panda Express and 7-11. I just finished the thrid wave of my crying episode. You mean nothing to anybody. You are less than average. You are worthless. That's what I kept saying to myself. That's the only thing that I could think of.

And then a red Jeep is pulling out of the gas station. It's Nic and Alex. First thought; "Oh shit."

Second thought; "Why now?" Third thought; Oh, Nic's talking to me.

"What did you say??"

"Do you want a ride?"

"Oh. Yeah!" trying to smile is impossible.

I get in, nobody said anything really. We get to my house.

"Thanks Nic."

"Yeah."

"Oh, Alex?"

"..Yeah..?"

"Sorrying for TPing your house."

I was so shocked I actually said it that I don't remember if he even said anything after I did.

"Thanks again Nic. See ya guys."

"Later."

It was really intense for me.



Anyway, back to the part about Tanner:

I cried over you in 9th grade. I cried over you in 10th. I'm crying over you now, in 11th grade.

What it is about you, I don't know. You... fill this void. You make me feel like I'm worth more. And you can tear it all away in a split second.

The other night before you moved out, I said "I love you." You said "Sometimes."

That hurt. That hurt so bad. I don't know words that could explain.

See, the way I see it, I have always loved you. Sure, after we broke up I stopped loving you. I have this insane ability to get over people. Ha. But we got back together, and it never stopped. I still love you Tanner. We broke up forever ago, all of the pain and all of the love is there. All of it.

You say I'm something special.

You love me, but you don't know why.

You don't know why.

You don't know why.

You don't know why.

I know why.

Because I almost had sex with you.

Yeah, I believe you loved me.

But you would only say it when you were horny.

When you were horny.

When you were horny.

I know we don't see eye-to-eye on the whole cheating thing.

And I don't know what to say about that.

I look back to the whole thing with Shanika. It hurt just about the same. So that's nothing new. But... She didn't ever kiss, let alone do more with anyone else besides me while we were together. This is so different.





"Abbey, I have never felt this way about anyone, ever, before. I love you."



Tanner, I have never felt this way about anyone, ever, before.

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ColorlessRainbow
02:22 Aug 27 2009

I want to throw up.

I think it's good to not to talk to Tanner...

Like...sure I know it hurts.

I know.

But how he is. I'm not going to talk to him anymore.

I just...no.

I mean, he didn't really do anything to me.

At all.

But...I'm the type of person who doesn't care when people hate me.

I care when people hate my friends.

It hurts me.

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I like my phone. It's good to me. It's new, and pretty.

Any time I get a text from Lanie, Emerald, and Kat though, it's for Tanner.

Automatically.



On my Myspace Status, I put "Lanie, we need to chat. It's about time we do. :)"

She texted me later asking what's up, let's chat.

Tanner thought it was for him. No, that time, it was for me.

I want to talk to Lanie about the whole part of where you cheated on me with her. I want to hear her side. It's not that I didn't want to earlier when I barely found out, but it's just that I'm ready now. Ready to hear what else has to be sad.



Anyway, I like my phone. I'll carry it around. As a safety thing. You know how people do that. Have a security blanket? My phone is mine. I feel safe.

I feel secure.

And the only way I would feel the same way without my phone is if everyone one of my contacts was constantly with me.

And we all know that isn't possible.

So, leave me to my phone.

And stop reading my text messages.

I stopped talking to Merrick, for you.

Please, I beg you, don't forget that.



And you ask me out, but you can't trust me? That's no bueno.

Of course I can't say yes. Because you have said yourself, how important trust is.

And sex wouldn't fix that.

No.

No.



If you cared as much as you say you do, you would respect that I still want my virginity. It hurts so much when you say you're ready to give it all to me.

I want to too. But... I don't see sex being the answer.

I have never been able to see you as an authority figure. Dependable, funny, weird. But not an authority figure. That's Mommy's job. It always has been.

So, when you blow off at me saying I don't do SHIT around here, please, listen to what I have to say.

I do my own laundry. Hell, I've done yours before.

I do do the dishes. yes, you have to remind and ask me a few times, but don't they get done? I don't understand why I have to worry about a single dish in the sink. It's fucking insane. I don't work like that.

I vacuum the whole house. "Did you vacuum mine?"

"Yeah, Dad."

"You did...?"

"Yeah."

"You're my little Angel. I didn't ask you to do that!"

"...I always vacuum your room. Always."

"Wow. Thanks honey."

That conversation happened just like 2 days ago.

stop. being. a. hypocrit.

stop it.

stop it.



Yes, I know you have a hurt elbow. And yes, I know that it's hard for you to bend and move it.

But think of it like this;

IT'S RECOVERING. Be THANKFUL and STOP COMPLAINING.

Really.

Really.



So I'm grounded? Seriously? You didn't say how long, what I can and cannot do, nothing.

So, I'm grounded?

I'll give you a reason to put me on lockdown.

call my Ku very muvh anymore. No one does.

I finally told Tanner a lot of my feelings. He's still holding back. I don't care... I'm single. :) He likes almost all of my friends anyway, I don't want his attention to be spread. I think I'm getting over him, but only because... well, I'm sick of the shit.

Annnd, I like it. :)

He can be mad.

I'll be there, waiting for him.

He doesn't believe me when I say that though.

But then again,

he doesn't believe a fucking thing I say.

Sweetie, I don't stoop down to the level of cheating. Never have, and I'm not planning on it. I never wanted revenge, never wanted to hurt you back.

That's how I work. I just want to crawl into my little corner when someone hurts me. That's just how it is. And no, you can't change that.

I'm glad we're getting over shit though, glad we're moving on. I think we are anyway. You don't tell me shit, so I don't know for sure.

Reading back to my June entry,

it makes me want to hurt myself.

"more than you'll ever know", he said.

Boyfriend cheated on me with best friend. (Not Bonnie, other best friend.)

Not just best friend,

other friend too, while I was away in Idaho.

That was probably... the worst week I have had in my life since... hherrr. *shudders*.

I was really fucking bored like the entire time up there. And really fucking depressed.

I mean, really fucking depressed.

I came home to... Nothing good. The only good thing that came out of it was new clothes. Which I regret buying now because I could have gotten my fucking longboard. Which, I could have used to get rid of the stress I was about to face.

HitMyHeadAgainstAMotherFuckingWall.Repeat.Repeat.Repeat.

She didn't even regret doing anything with him. He said he cried, and that means something, it does, but it happened again. If I mean so much to him, why do it? Why do it again? "Getting caught in the moment" doesn't work. It makes it hurt so. much. more. And the worst part of it, she wasn't even going to tell me any of it. What the fuck, right?

I still love him. And care for him. That's why I didn't break it off so soon.

After he hurt me sooo bad, I still let him stay at my house. He needed a place to stay. He still does. And he's still staying with me. I may have been mad, but I wasn't going to let him go out on the streets. No, that's fucked up.

I told her that I couldn't trust her and she said that hurt. I thought they only made out. No, no, the did sooo much more. She said it hurt that I didn't trust her. She gave me reason.

I shouldn't be writing this all down on here because people I don't want to know this will read it. And see it. And judge me for it.

My only outlet is Bonnie.

Bonnie comes/came first for a reason.

So that when people FUCK ME OVER, I have someone to go to. Isn't it obvious? She's never hurt me in any way, and she knows how to make me happy. It's as simple as that. She's a friend.

Soooo many people in Ohana have an opinion on the situation. But only 3 people are really involved. thereshouldn'tbeasituationtobeinvolvedin.

It fucking hurts.

I'm so glad I didn't have sex with him.

I'm going to go puke.

COMMENTS

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ColorlessRainbow
05:31 Aug 06 2009

I love you. I agree with you. I think it doesn't matter what others are going to say/judge you for. Seriously. If they were in your place, I bet they'd act pretty much the same.

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