On The Edge Of A Break Down
06:40 Jul 08 2006
Times Read: 661
I have thought as a young girl that i was always going to be an outcast, a lost soul in this life. At the sad age of six i new that someday i was going to have no specific place in life, i was never going to be able to be accepted fully by those around me. From both the physical and mental pain i have endured at that age on i kept to myself. I remember the most controversial thing at the age of six was telling my mom something that i couldn't bury inside. I told her, and i remember as plain as day, that "i cant trust that man(my father)" and she said "i know honey." As i got older my abuser hurt me more and more. Once i had had enough i could do nothing, all i could do was let it happen. Every pain from those blows from that poison of a hand and the spit from the mouth was fowler than Saitan himself. I became more attatched to my mother as the days went by, and more distant from the man they called my father.
How was he to be my true father? There is no way in the darkessed recesses of earth could he be my father. What was this purpose? Why was i injected with all this pain... this suffering... that has now become my grievance?
As i grew every day i became more of a reclouse, becoming distant from my loved ones, from those who truely cared for me. Every time he hurt my mother, how hard i cryed. How many tears did i have to shed to bring this life to justiceness? How swollen did my eyes have to get before i was free? How much did i have to lose before i could break down the brick wall that confided me? That is all i wondered as the wind and i became closer. The violins in time was my modivation to keep moving through this time.
When i was forced to move i became worse in my mental health. The abuse was slowing down at the age of elevin put was updated, and how many times was i hurt. As i was ending middle school i started putting grafitti on my body. My parents hated it but i was willing to express what i held deep inside myself without defying my parents. Though i was yelled at to whip off the drawing from my skin, as it was an eye crying a bloody tear. Later as a very important period in my life when i knew i was becoming more mature and understanding of my troubles. Though as my depression built i just wanted everything to die. So one night i decided to cut myself, carving GRAVE into my arm. As i cut deeper in the skin i could feel my tension float away. One day when i was sick and stayed home from school, as i was very ill, my father came home and tore into my room. Yelling at me as i was sitting on the floor, my room was a bit of a mess, and i was trying to relax my spirit. He force fully spit fire into the air as he said " you need to clean this damn room up, it's filthy like you" i told him i was sick but he wouldn't stand for that, so then he said " well you could at least do something, at least i dont cut myself!" That just tore me to bits, and i just cried and never ate the rest of that day. Shortly after i have cut deeper and watched the blood hit the floor i knew i had to do something with my pain, my depression, my emotions. One day as it was the weekend my mom said " you shouldn't cut yourself" and i totally fired back " The only reason i have cut my arm is to show everyone the hell you all have put me through, everything that you didn't do to help when i needed it the most!" and i stormed off to my room. I knew that night i made her cry as my father did on many occasions. I was so ashamed i cried that night, all night and i listend to rock as i cried. Listening to the lyrics and understanding them i wrote "Hurt Intentions" which is on my poem page.
From then on i searched for help anywhere i could look and i fell in love as i search. At the age of sixteen and almost seventeen i was crushed. But the really sad thing was i couldn't cry, and i was thinking if this was it, the end of my sufferage. It wasn't but it was a start to where i am today. I bacame more into my own, and being more artsy and expressing myself that way. As my parents had been split up i had a horrid time going to see him, i seriously hated his guts. When i wasn't allowed to stay home on my birthday and go to his apartment instead i called him out. On his neglection, his anger, and what he had done to pain me. Then he violently denied everything i said, saying i was wrong and it was all lies. A couple months later i confronted him on that trying to tell him how much i could careless if he got hurt after everything i said about him to his face. All he said was and i quote "You're going to regret this someday and learn that i was right!"I cried that night as i knew he wouldn't have listend to me. Again a couple months later as i was spilling my feelings of him to his face he never cared one bit, he never even listened to a word i was saying and i knew it. My brother was there hiding as i did all the talking and crying and building up anger. When he said i would regret it again it just infuriated the fire inside me. I said "... WELL YOU CAN SUCK MY BUTT...," kinda funny as i think about it now, and i couldn't say suck my dick cause i don't have one. As soon as i said that he forable raised from his seat and smacked me in my head three times ever so violently as he projected "Never disrespect me like that again!" Then i fell to the floor in pain ,just laying there until he went outside to smoke, he never said sorry for hitting me ever.
For all the times he hurt me i realized he could never control himself, he can never take control of a situation because when he can't handle it, he uses force and physical power against those who he believes is wrong. Calling him out for all the times he tore me down as a child, all the times he could have been there when he just neglected both me and my brother, not caring if what we said about his smoking habbits was true. Lieing about all those times that he cared about our family, all the times he took us places, the good times we had my ass. 99.8% of the time we were with our mom on vacation and doing family things with her. It was a rarity for my dad to plan anything or even take the time to care about being a father. His job may have been stressful ,but i remember one father who had three children and was almost always busy, yet he took the time when he was free to spend it with his three girls and one of them even has a medical problem. So there is no excuse for his neglect or anything he didn't do when he had the time. I have realized that the only thing he was good for was having sex with my mom and for her to have me and my brother. The truth be told i am a miniture version of my mother in every aspect. The only thing that connect me to my father is the last name and the only X sperm of my athletic abilities.
As I became more aware of my worth I realized that I have special talents that do not come from either my mom's or dad's side of the family. I was made for a reason and one is to be able to make sure i don't make the same mistake of marrying a man who lies. Two is to put out there the true person my father really is and not what he wants people to think of him. three is to help others in anyway possible and as well as i can, there is some I haven't figured out yet ,but I will in time. Now coming more towards the present i went to see a couple of psycologists and therapists and two of thm have tried to get through to my father of his bad habbit ,but they couldn't. I was put on 20 mg of Prozac and i am recently still taking it and i feel better then i ever have before. Now I have the choise to go to my dad's or never again, and now I don't have to be in his presence.
Now i am feeling free for once in my life, the brick wall that once held me from the world has been taken down from my Savior. As I sit here typing this my mother and my animals are my entire world, I love them to death and they are ".. the perfect drug... without them everything falls apart..." As the days turn from day to night my family is my world, my animals are my anti-drug , the ones I love are my everything!
~Songs:
~Savior by Skillet...
~url: http://www.myspace.com/skilletmusic
~Break Free by Decyfer Down...
~url: http://www.myspace.com/decyferdown
~Won't Back Down by Fuel
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