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Things seem to haunt me this past few weeks, and i think Luna has a grasp on my heart once more. For i have always been hers to control, which was one reason that i faught so hard to stay with my ex. Yet she knew it would end and rather than have me face the pain head to break away before he got in to trouble. *Sighs*

Yet i didn't listen and I end up with splitting headaches and his name on my lips every time i get horny.

I hate him for that, and yet i promised i could never be made at my dear Angel-boy.

But today i would to find myself, hating him and wanting to taste his blood on my lips as he begged me to stop feeding. I even dreamed of having him chained up and i wiped him, and clawed at his flesh. Watching the blood with a wicked smile on my face. Wanting him to know the pain that every ' I love you' he told me caused in my heart and body.

How stupid i felt to hear him lie how he was like me, * sighs as i grin* how i enjoyed watching him scream as i pierce his already bloody and tattered chest with my blade.

Still it was only a dream , a very vivid day dream.

* shakes head* I am glad that the music of Icp and Twizitid came to my aide and caused the dream to fade, but not the need to feel blood on my lips.

Today i have been on what seems like cloud nine at the fact at that i just shipped my ex back all his stuff. Except from his tote, but he can by another one,i sent all the stuff he needed.

At the same time i have been getting this headaches on my right side. Maybe becuase i thought of him as my right side,my other half, yet he didn't see it that way.. And yet i can't get to mad at him from dumping me in a letter.

I just feel my right side aching, like i am missing apart of me.

*sighs* but it will get better.

if not i am still a better me with only one half. >:)

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
01:38 Feb 27 2009

it will get better and you don't want someone who doesn't want you , you're to good for that.

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Well for the past few days i have been talking to an old friend. Who before i had liked and knew that he liked me, after several months of not talking we started up again. I told him my past and he told me his, and that he was staying with a girl and her folks.

I know how he feels about her and was okay with talking to him like i use to when we both just had each other.

Then the other day i get a message from his girlfriend and to call and talk to her about him.

I did the friend;y thing and talked to her,and found out alot of things i didn'y even ask him about his life and hers.

She loves him, more than the blood means to me. I kept our secret and yet i felt bad after talking to her about him. Because she was going through the same non communication thing that i went through with me ex. Except he wanted his space from me and after i left ky he told me that we were too different to be together that way.

So in the back of my mind, i pittied her, because i knew her boyfriend longer than her and she was afraid that he was cheating.

And with the distants of the states we are both in we are connected only through words.

I care for him like a friend and like to tell him my darkest thoughts. He understands them and it makes him smile.

Which i found out last night is something that she can't get him to do that well.

I feel ashamed to say that i lilke his girlfriend as friend and want to see her do well. As much as i want him to do well.

*sighs* What have a done?

* smirks as i pick up a pin to quickly write this down*

I AM SO HAPPY. I feel that i just drank the blood of a lover, lost in the feeling of lust for me.

For my fondest dream and hope as come true, i just signed a contract to be a ghost writer for a wrting company. I know it's not a big thing to most, but for me it's like opening one of the most important gifts of my teen years and seeing my first cell phone.

This is a job that is the gate way to what i want to do for the rest of my life. With all the will power and blood in my body, i want to shout this to the world, but will go with the latter and write it down for all to see.

* smiles*

I am so joyess that i want to go through and rate as many people as i can.

* drops pen and heads out*

I find that i am on four peoples friends list yet i can't see them. Only one of them as told me that she wanted me to add her. The others have just added me and i am curious as to who those people are.

Still the truth is i am wondering who my would be starker is. The shadow that is watching over me as i wonder through Vr. * smirks*

I have found myself wondering if this person is online when i am so i can put a face to this mystery. Yet since i am still young to the site, my mind goes into wonder as to who is my silent watcher.

Once more i am here and i get treaded like the little child i never was. I hate that after all these years i get treating like i am the little sister and can't be on my own by the people who are my blood relation.

It drive me up the wall, and it makes me want to scream but i know that i can put this pain to good use.

I am working on getting out of this hell and never look ing back at this pile of corpses around me again.

* Drops pin and rises as i lick the blood from my lips*

* picks up pen and starts to write*

So many things flowing through my head and the one name that won't leave me alone is his.

* sighs* Maybe its because it's still a fresh wound that i have yet to clean because i secretly hope that it's just the evil in this place that made him break me in half. Yet i know better, i was warned several times that it would end- worse than than the others and I would have no where to run from it.

* shakes head to stop tears*

I find that i start to luagh as i pray for him to be alright. When i know that he hold some fear and pain against me for the fact that he blames magic for being the thing that got him arrest.

* sighs* Yet we all know things happen for a reason. Still i wonder, what is the reason for me to get into relationships that end so badly.

* sits down and writes*

the world has been cruel to me since i was young. So many people trying to make me into the perfect little doll. Or make me into the perfect little christian, and because i didn't know any better i want to be all this things for other. So i be can the obidenate servant of my family until i just snapped.

Causing me to run away from them all to a safe havon where they couldn't go without living there humble domain. * smirks* All of them fools not wanting to leave the place that is slowly killing them. I left but soon found out how horrible connected to this hell that i am.

When i thought i was free for good of this place, i start to have fating spells that make me sick. I had to return and shortly after here in this hell i reside again.

* frowns as let the pen hit the paper harder and faster*

Yet this time i plan to claw my way out of this hell for good. Without playing the stupid games they want me to play and see the people they want me to see.

I am who i am- and there lie of what i am will end. Either with me dead or them in pieces.

Until next time



* sighs as i put the pen down and walk away*

COMMENTS

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Lordpeace
01:40 Feb 04 2009

hell is only what we allow it to be

to be oneself free and unfettered by the mores of society

is worth the inconvenience of breaking away

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I have like the taste of my own blood since i was little and my mother thought i was nuts. I have found over the years several ways to get what I need and keep it secret. Although in my worst times, my secret as gotten me in trouble.

But after my final disaster of trying to hide behind something that was not me. I have decided to keep this part of me to myself and if anyone wants to see it, they have to accept all of me first.

Another hard lesson that i have learned over the years. And one that will stay for ever on my aching heart.

* Sighs* so for now i seek only blood and the pleasure that comes with getting and receiving it. Men are my toys and i seek to make ever toy of mine remember what they are in my life for. And if they try to go beyond that - than they have to live my presents.



* Puts down my pen and leave*