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Someone told me that i do believe in love. After so many years of getting hurt by people i thought would love me back. I decided my own war against love would start. And during which i found that there was one person that i could love beyond anything.

Yet the idol is long since dead to my now blackened heart, only last night someone told me that i still believe in it.

But where in my heart is it?

I guess it is in the fact that i love my friends like my family, and the idea of havinga fuck buddy was fun and nothing new to me- i got attached to him, with my heart.

Somethiing i thought was out of me for good.

And yet to keep this person who i know may be an asshole. I called in favors from my family- my frineds to watch out for him until his back where i know his safe.

* sighs* I guess i care for this person- but i don't know how i could care for some one when my heart is gone. When all i feel is hatred ofr those in love and those that want to believe it.

So i ask does that mean that love believe in me still even after i have turned away from it several times and want nothing more than to make it leave me alone, by killing it.

Well a few weeks ago, my fuck buddy told me he was going to florida. So i was a little worried that he wouldn't get there okay. Yet i let it pass because i am not dating him so i know he would be fine.

Only today i found out that he stuck in nashiville, with no gas money and a care with two strange people with him. So i am worrying again as i try to find away to help him down to Florida. And even there i don't want him to get in to trouble so i send a message to a friend that i know down there to watch out for him.

* SIGH* I hate to say it but i think i have feeling for this person. when i started this out as a test. To see if i can stay friends with a guy that i have had sex with.

Now i am hoping that he doesn't do anything too stupid that would have him being chased by the cops.

* lowers head* well i am going to go and call his mom to see if she can help him.

This year i came to the realization that the one person i am met to be with is dead. I have been trying to mourn and then forget about him, yet a friend of mine told me that his deity as taken a liking to me nad wants to help me.

I told him leave me alone, and i treatened to take my life if his deity didn't leave me alone.

For this deity said i would get married to a guy in a cape. Whici know is a lie, no way would the guy i love be seen a cape. Also tha i would have a kid. I am not a kid person. I know this for a fact.

Then it wouldn't tell me why it said this - it just shot me back out of the realm and waied until i was asleep in a better mood.

I still told it that iwould rather kill it than let another deity rule me.

For iwill not be ruled by a diety th at thinks i would be happy witha kid, and i know i wouldn't.

Yet i still feel bad for my friend, who after this i am not going to talk to.

Because i know damn will i don't want kids and i will fight with my very soul to never let that happen.

The world is rather small- and yet i know this. And still i did something that should have sent red flags up in my mind.

I have told myself several times never to mess with anyone for Tech - my old high school becuase they may know family or worse.

And yesterday my brain was going through all the ppl that i know and thinking back foundly of them all.

At the same time the need to feed was kicking my ass and i tried to eat real food only to make my stomach ach from all the three times that i ate.

So i finnally called a friend and talked to him about it. Only to find that talking to him at that time was pointless. I had no patieces for someonoe that woul rather sit there and listen to me talk over the phone.* sighs* its fine when they are there with you , because you can change the mood phywsically and when they are not it bothers me to no end.

Once i got myself out of that i find that someone called my phone and i don't know who. So i started to call ppl that i know only find some that i knew would talk back . Yet i felt like i was leading them on with what i was talking about - until i got a phone call in from - i will call him Jack or J.S aka the pumpkin king .lol

Would found me on Myspace and he knows all the same ppl i known , knows my baby brother and more. Giving me reasons to stand off but i felt drawn to him.

* sighs* i know i am weak when it comes to feeding and this guy was the prey that i had in minid. >:)

I was glad that he called and asked to come and visit me. In the processof trying to find my house got lost- gave bad directions - and had to find poor jack 5 blocks away from my house. lol

Then he got t met the family - all the ones that he didn't know that is. Then me and Jack taled mostof the night and around 3 in the morning started doiing dares. That was fun- i liked it but i know that he had to go home. He has a little baby that is his world. And i think his very sweet .

I like Jack and want to get to really know more about Jack.

I just hope my need to hear his heart beat wont cause me to feed off of him.

today of all the days that i don't want to see D he shows up. With the idea that i want to fuck him and another girl that i don't know.

* smirks* he was warned that i didn't want to do that and that i would find away out of it.

Well he shows and takes me over to this girl, who i will call Kate's and thinks that i will want to do this.

Well he find out that we both don't want to fuck him at the same time and we start to talk while he stand around with is dick out.

lol I found it cute when he tried to beg me to fuck him. But when it came down too it- he only fucked Kate.

Right after their 30 minutes, Kate and i talked while i petted her dog and D played a game on the xbox.

* wicked smile* When we got back in the car and when to pick up his friend before they dropped me off. I told him how i trully felt. While he tried to clown his frined about him and his getting laid plans, and his friend laughed his ass off as he found out that D didn't get what he wanted and that I liked him too,

Which was something not new to him for almost all the girls that D has dated his friend as dated before.

why the hell of all times do i have to start thinking like a normal person. Through all the shit that has happened in my life i was never this stressed about one thing. To block my need or want to write has nevr happened to me before. Yet after i get baptized it happens, making me wonder was my writing linked to my magic. And if so what can i do to get them back and if not them- my ablity to write.

If i loose that i can't image what my life would be with out my love to write.

I have planned around with my heart for too long and have given it to the wrong ppl. So today i plan to locked it away from the world. And only my friends will get to see it, and if that even fails me than i will locked it away from them as well.

* Sighs* For when my heart is in ice, i found that i felt more for the world around me than when i let others see it beat and see what i was like when i was in pain.

I see know that showing that part of me to others was a mistake and i plan to correct it today.

Before sunday i spent most of my time on the phone with a friend and talked about why our relationships don't come out right. And i found that after talking to someone about this and how i see the world without putting it in terms that a normal person would have - i felt better that i got it all out.

When i went to bed the dreams of zombies stopped and i slept with out tossing an turning over in the bed and woke up feeling safe and happy.

I wonder why.

Today of all days i have heard the whispers of the deons that flow and fallow me answered. For today on Easter Sunday, the church that i have seem through all the bad and heard the whispers of it being spoken through my family's home - it has come to an end.

For the demon that took up hold in the rasfters of a small Indy church, becuase of all the hell that was being raised in the dark has come for it's paymnet.

* smiles*

Many have said that the church that baptized me would be cursed by this demn, yet they where wrong. This demon was already here before i was. I t just used my body as a place to get in and out with out being hurt by the small remaining lights of purity that where there. And one by one they all started to die. And the last of them, my nana was told some very hatful words today.

And when this reached me, the demon knew that it was time to collect its payment. The payment of blood. This today has been recieved .

*sighs* I guess i am evil.... to some.

So far since i have been back here in hell. I have been livintg for someone that didn't want me yet i tried not to see it. Only until after i was baptized didi i see it and awaited the time when another and very real break up letter would reach me.

When it came i started to spend my time at the library away from the frigdge becuase i was afraid of gaining more weight, ands the days go on it to weeks and then whole months.

I have found that even after staying out of the damn house i have gained wieght.

Which is from when i don't want to get out of the house i find myself walking through the house looking for things to put in my mouth. Trying to surpress another nature of mine which iwhen i had a partner was easy to fix.

And i didn't find my self sitting in front of a television screen with food in my hands.

* Sighs*

I know know what i need to do- find another partner and keep walking to the library even when i don't feel liked leaving my bed, let my prey to Luna that it works.

I found that my fuck buddy is pissed at me for like his friend more than him. Which was going to come to light any way, since he is all of the things that i look for in a guy that i would date. His tall irish, kinky and can take a bite.

Yet when i asked my fuck buddy about him by calling his best friend my favorite. he got pissed and said i killed him.

And if i killed him wouldn't you call the cops and not tell the person that did.

Yet know that it's over i feel relieved to be free of him and his friend.

Although if i could combind the better parts of them together to make one whole person- it would be my fuck buddy's lower half and his friends personality.

* sighs* oh well. At least i got out of that with out a lot of drama

COMMENTS

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Blackheresy
19:23 Apr 11 2009

You could have let them DP you...lol.

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POST COMMENT

After wanting to kill others, the soothing rain too away my hatred and made me thinK. My like is going some where. I haven't the faintest clue as to where it's going. All i know it that all the things that pissed me off have gone. Now the one thing that i want to get over is still holding on to my heart.

And that's finding love?

I gave up on it when my heart was ripped in half becuase they other person wanted nothing to do with me after all his lies finnaly got to him and he found his peace.

* sighs* I guess i have that power- to help others find peace and get left in the ashes only to rise again. With the same face and love for magic that i always had.

And here in this hell- is the one place that i am whole. As i sit and wait for my - other half to appear.

Yet deep in me, i know that he gave up on me and let go of life. I am alone here. With only those i call friends at my side. Only dreams can i find him again.

* crys* why....

i feel like i am losing my mind here. i want to end my life because i feel that only death will make me whole. To join the part of me that i lost. To be in hell with the part of me tht i casted off as evil. To put on a edumb ass white robe of a God that is not mine.

I rebeled and tore my name for that white book and fell down to earth, hoping that i would fall further.

To be in the arms of magic once again, to feel the weight of spell on my skin once more.

To pick up a pen and know that i am writing something worth while. Instead i find myself tryingto fit in with the humans of this unknowing world.

* sighs as i start to cry*

I know that magic is real that all that i have seen in my life, is real. That only those that wear a veil of stupidity can't see it.

And for severn long months, i wished to be one of them. to sit with magic flowling arround me and nver once tap in to it again.

My body wouldn't allow me to sell my thoughts nor my mind short. And for what- a boy that i thought would be my mate, like me and able to make me see reason when i was lost. Only to find a scared little boy playing with magic that he didn't need to me.

* crys*

I stripped myself od all my rites that i have earned over the years to be with im and he ran when he saw the real me. I thought i healed with the help of this God that was not mind. Yet i found myself getting sicker and sicker by the day. As well as fucking angry as hell from hearing my damn momther saying i have tb, and shit.

* growls* I have had it up to here with trying to appease others and want only m,y magic back.

After traveling around as a half - of nothing and finnaly giving up and being baptized. I realize that even that was not for me.

That i was happier, with magic in my life, flowing through my body and every word that left my lips *crys*

Luna plzz watch over this lost cub once more.

after almost a month of not hearing from my buddy, he emails me today about being horny.

The idea that he thinks i am here to just help him get off. I want to kill him but i have more sense than that.

Besides me being pissed off, i have gotten use to not feeling like i have to run before he arrives.

* shakes my head* I am feeling trapped in this and i want out.

If i run he knows where i would hide. * sighs* damn him for being so damn cute.

I hate to say this but i think i have stressed myself to the point that i think i am pregante again. For this would be the fifth time this has happened to me. I miss my period, which should be around the end of the month and the begining of the next. I should have had it by now, yet nothing has been seen. Only the fact of me eating li ke a horse, which scares me even more.

i hate feeling like this and not only that i would hate to ruin someone else's life by being preganate.

Mine is all really gone to hell to bring another in to the pit with me would be foolish. Let alone another life in to this dying world. I would kill myself before i let that happen.

Still i hope like all the other times that i have been stressed that my period will come. i will spend two weeks in crampy hell and be done with it.