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4am Is the loneliest hour of the night.
21:45 Mar 19 2007
Times Read: 760
Someone wrote this for me. I left it unedited just to keep it in its original form even if that means having spelling mistakes in my Diary.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
I spent 12 days in solitary/psyc ward...this is what I wrote.
I got picked up wensday afternoon for defulting on a fine I forgot abotu b/c of the head injury I receved...
I know people who have broken in a few days of solitary....my entire sentence for defulting a fine was 12 days...By day one I was classified as an a 11 on their suicide chart and placed on 5md (psyc ward). By the end of day one the guards are afraid of me and I'm listed as a psychotic....not permitted contact with anyone. My only visitor was Tim...one person in 12 days...one hour to talk....and that was simply because the shirnk thought it'd be good for me... They realized really quickly that I don't like to be bothered, touched, or in anything...and that I fight like a rabid animal...Having better things to do...I braided my hair into tiny tendrils...traced shodows on the wall and cried your name like a mantra. I planned the world and dreamed of nothing but you my love...Sleepless night on doses of sedatives that should have killed me reminding me of your beauty...at the most desperate point I swore I could feel you here....but that could have just been the medication....and the more I need you. Though as I said, at least they keep me medicated. The drug enduced dreams bringing me the taste of your lips. My only hell the absence of you...I fear never seeing you, never hearing you...never touching you.... And a voice I know so well with it's accents and giggles, it's dangerously seductive tones that have given me peace for so long. I could die in you....my angel faced devil...I swear if I focus enough I can feel you... I can't feel you. I don't even know if it is still me here...all I know is that some how you will be there. All that keeps me going in this falsely lit hell is you. My sanity. And some how I know the softness of your kiss, the feel of the metal in your tongue...it's foreign steel hot in my mouth. I swear I could feel you one night...at least I think it's night now...I've lost track. I hear the screams of those around me, they've only been here for a few days...I'm on day 8....I haven't screamed yet...no fingernails clawing at unyielding glass, no nightmares from which I can not awake, for when they come I see you... and I feel you in my dreams, teeth and lips, the deceptive strength of your body hidden by it's delicately beautiful features...
I'd sell my soul, my self esteem...
For one touch, one taste of you...
As I said the only person I saw was Tim....he's always been the loyal one. I know there's motives with every one I know...they all wish to pick and choose a piece of me...What pieces will you take for yourself my love? My heart...though there's desperately little let there...What price must I pay for your love?? Even as I write this I know I cross a line...I know I dream of what I cannot have. But what is hope, if nothing else then the quest for what you can not have. I should know these boundaries better...but I want more than an arrangement, more than to be of simple use to your life...more than an interlude on your way through life. You are my safety when it all falls appart...when it becomes too much that I don't think I can go on. My religion when there is no faith... The god I pray to in the lonely depths of 4am darkness... 4am is the loneliest hour of the night... And the one tear I shed in 12 days my offering to you.
Save me from myself....save me from this eternal winter...I as a monster was never ment for love...but I pray you will love me.
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