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It's Saturday and should have been a cool day. Instead I'm stuck with family obligations and unable to take off with my friends to have fun.

Then to top it off, something I really was interested in was ruined by circumstances beyond my control. Even worse I have hurt and maybe lost someone I was coming to think of as a friend. I don't need to name her and I've already apologized.

I can accept the loss of my wish but will be truly hurt if I lose a friend. I don't actually try and make that many friends. I prefer quality to quanity there.

Okay I'll quit here, at least it kept me from crying or getting too depressed.

Another one begins with too many things on my list to get done and so little time for me to do the things I want to do. Okay I know that's life but I sure wish I could sometimes get caught up with all the mundane stuff that's dragging me down. Well enough crying in my coffee, time to get moving. Well any minute now.......

I've decided this is a great place to put my thoughts, I really doubt anyone other than my friends here are reading them and they'll never bug me about it so it's nice and safe.

I have thought several times about reworking my profile and including more about myself but I'm very afraid of scaring people away. I mean I joined here to meet people and make friends. Not a lover or husband just friends that are more like me than my family who just think I'm odd. My 2 best friends are okay with me and are on here too. So they get me when I say odd things. With my family, I become the butt of jokes about my strangeness. I would and have told them I don't like it but they just don't understand why. They do it to each other also and all find it fun to razz on each other that way. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive but it always seems to be me they focus on when we gather. I love my family and enjoy being with them so I'll put up with it just to have them around. But really some days I just want to smack each and every one of them and shove their face in the dirt.

Yeah I'm a real badass! LOL Okay I'm really not a violent person, though I have faced the fact that I can and would kill another person if I felt justified. I examined my soul on that question and I'm comfortable with my decision. I will protect myself, family and friends against those who would hurt us. Okay that's enough ranting for now.

Okay, I'm just writing this to get it off my chest. I've been reading profiles for a while now, starting with the newer members but I've realized I'm not learning much there since they are all just starting out. Usually a few lines is all I get to read. I've talked to my friend on here and she tells me to start at the top and work down instead to learn more and while I realize she's right... I'm kinda timid about drawing attention to myself while I'm still learning how to design my own profile and portfolio. I can handle constructive critism but I'm not going to claim to like having to do it. Like today I put some images on my portfolio and thank goodness a nice person like SwtEternity saw it and message me to take it off as it was against the rules. I did it immediatly and re-read the rules and could have smacked myself for missing that one. I reread the rules again and hope to try some more editing. Hopefully I'll get it right this time.

Okay if you've read this far you've figured out I'm somewhat obsessive and far too anal sometimes. I'm trying to get over it but it's hard sometimes.

It's funny, I try to read the forum everyday and especially the threads that many people have read. I think it helps me get a better ideal of how everyone on here acts toward each other. Most of the time the postings are friendly and respectful even when disagreeing. Sometimes they've been scarcastic but even then an elder steps in and takes care of it usually.

The thing is while friends have told me to post, it'll help with my level, I just cannot make myself post something when I really don't have anything useful to say. I refuse to post it's an interesting subject. and leave it at that. I've decided I need to read a lot more of them before I'll have really interesting things to say otherwise I'll just have to stay the dummy and keep quiet.

Now that's off my chest I'll go read some more.

I don't know why this is on my mind, I even dreamed about him last night. My dad's birthday is coming up soon so maybe that's it. He's been dead almost 20 years now and I still miss him. He wasn't the greatest dad in the world or anything like that but he did try to do the right thing. My childhood memories revolve mostly around him coming and going to work as he worked out of town and only came home on weekends, first the whippings then we all had fun the rest of the weekend.

My dad loved to laugh and I only knew him with false teeth. He refused to use adhevises so when he'd yell at us kids or laugh too much, they'd jump around. It made it hard to keep a straight face when you were in trouble and getting yelled at but since he much perferred yelling to spanking, we all learned.

Dad couldn't read or write so as soon as his kids learned their abc's he''d have us start reading for him, when we learned to count he'd have us write down statistics for him from Kentucky basketball games (we're all big fans still).

Believe it or not, he was a construction foreman most of his life, building bridges on interstate highways using blueprints he couldn't read. He'd come home and my mom with her 8th grade education would help him memorize the days or weeks work and fill out everyones time sheets. They had more homework that their kids ever had to work on. I guess you can tell I'm pretty proud of my parents, Mom's 76 now.

Funny how as a teenager I couldn't stand them or listening to their advice. I still don't agree with all of what they said but I have a greater understanding of where they were coming from with my own age. Things today are different that even when I was a young adult but the process of becoming independant is still one of the hardest to watch teenagers go through.

Maybe now that I've put this down I can ease up on the sadness of his absence today.

I miss you Dad and love you still.

"Lifes a bitch and then you die"

I'd like to find the guy who made that one up and beat the shit out of him. That would make my day.

Why is it family can be your greatest treasure and your biggest pain too? Take my mom's sister from MI, she called me to tell me what a big favor she did me by not bringing her 5 grandkids over today. Since I hadn't asked her to bring them over in the first place or for her to come either, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. Thank Heavens my mom walked in and I was able to throw the phone at her. She's pissed at me now but Hey it was her sister.

I hate days like today, I not only didn't want to get up but staying in bed sucked too. Guess nothing can make me happy today. Too much shit on my mind and no one around to have a good fight with... Don't feel like music, movies, TV, reading or even gameplaying. Can I get a do-over for today? NO! Well shit...

The Clod and the Pebble by William Blake



"Love seeketh not Itself to please,

Nor for itself hath any care,

But for another gives its ease,

And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair."



So sung a little Clod of CLay

Trodden with the cattle's feet,

But a Pebble of the brook

Warbled out these metres meet:



"Love seeketh only Self to please,

To bind another to Its delight,

Joys in another's loss of ease,

And builds a Hell in Heaven's despite."





I know its pretty dark but most days this is what love seems to be about. Unselfish love must only be a dream writers put in books, because I've yet to truly see it.

Nightgame

I've been reading lots of other journals to get some idea of what people usually write about and I found out that they're used for just about everything. So I decided I'd just start typing and see what came out.

I couldn't help but see the news about the N Korean Missile launch and have to admit it concerns me and pretty much everyone else in the world if this situtation continues to escalate. I know they've called in the UN but lately they've not been as effective as they used to be.

I'm not really trying to be political but with nuclear weapons and missiles, the earth is in danger. I'm worried about the world we're leaving for our kids and grandkids, nieces and nephews in my case. I sure hope someone good steps up to negiotate some kind of peaceful resoulation to this situtation.

Well I guess that's what was bothering me the most today and this seems a good place to express my concerns.

...Nightgame